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1. A vinyl sticker of a geoduck, which is an actual living bivalve and Mother Nature's sick joke.
2. A mug you'll hide in a dark corner until you accidentally come across it like Jumanji and it turns your entire world into a cruel, uncomfortable game.
3. Leggings that need to be stopped.
4. This...thumb. drive.
5. Stress mushrooms that you jerk off 'til you feel better...which, like, at this point, just go somewhere and jerk off the real thing? You're making everyone so uncomfortable.
6. Three pounds and 26 inches of gummy worm.
7. This emoji mask, which is 100% the last thing I will see before I'm murdered.
8. This strapping beefcake half-torso husband pillow with a 24/7 erect button-nipple feature.
9. A peel-and-stick wall decal of a senior with asthma.
10. These "hand soaps" that are keeping me up at night.
11. This "St. Patrick's Day" cookie cutter that's a "rainbow" with a "cloud" and "pot of gold."
12. Hand sanitizer that makes you think when you'd really rather not.
13. This nightmare rabbit doll that, from the side, looks as if he sheared the face off another rabbit doll and attached it to his own.
14. This spread-eagle clown broach that needs to just stay in whatever vintage era it was made in.
16. An eyeshadow named Nic Cage Raking Leaves on a Brisk October Afternoon.
17. A shirt that has ruined the Minions for everyone.
18. A phone case with a lifelike silicone fried chicken drumstick glued to the back of it.
19. "The Filthy Mermaid," a monthly subscription box delivered to people that like the thought of being — or penetrating — a fish.
20. This human rectum plushy.
21. Faux-denim pajama pants...y tho.
22. This "half-portion" wine glass that's really doing a number on my anxiety.
23. A terrifying mobile that gives a baby the impression that a mommy will eat his sisters one by one.
24. A hand-crocheted "frozen nose hat" shaped like a chicken.
25. Pillow shams that are areolas, I don't care what you say.
26. Anything Charmin. Like, can I just once watch a television show and not have it interrupted by cartoon bears talking about how grody and chapped their doodyholes are? Cool.
27. A full pound of just. yellow. Starburst.
28. And this plushy of a blobfish, the official mascot of the Ugly Animal Preservation Society.
Aaaaaaand
The reviews for this post have been edited for length and clarity.