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1. A subscription to Fuego Box, the mouth party that delivers monthly.
Get the most basic package (one-bottle monthly subscription) at CrateJoy for $12.95/month.
2. A t-shirt with very clear in-case-of-emergency instructions.
Get it from Amazon for $16.99. Available in five colors, in sizes S-3XL.
3. This all-occasion banner.
Get it from Little Retreats on Etsy for $18.
4. A keychain for people who know the truth, and the truth is that dry rub is bullshit.
Get it from Urt and Racky's on Etsy for $12.
5. This crew-neck sweatshirt for someone with priorities.
Get it from Dainty Dirtbags on Etsy for $17.99+. Available in three colors, in sizes S-XXL.
6. A mobile to end all mobiles.
Get it at Uncommon Goods for $48.
7. Wall art for people who consider "spicy" a major food group.
Get it from theNATIONALanthem on Etsy for $10+.
8. A tank for you weirdos who would probably just drink ranch from the bottle if no one were watching.
Get it at Human for $19.99. Available in seven colors and seven different styles, in sizes XS-XL.
9. These ceramic chalkboard condiment jars for the cookout hostess with the mostess.
Get the set of four from Target for $14.99.
10. This set of saucy onesies and matching caps.
Get it from Buzz Bear Studio on Etsy for $59.
11. Mike's Hot Honey for pizza, chicken, ribs, biscuits, salads, fruits, cheeses, ice cream, sensual fun, wounds, you name it.
Get it from Amazon for $13.95.
12. A phone case for someone whose religious affiliation is guac.
Get it from Decorus Cases on Etsy for $16.64.
13. An organic cotton hot sauce rattle for the future foodie.
Get it from Spring for $18.
14. *pew!* *pew!* *pew! pew!* MUSTARD GUN.
Get it from Hearthsong for $9.98.
15. This PG-13 flatware.
Get the set from Baby Puppy Designs on Etsy for $42.
16. A pack of pins for the condiment groupie.
17. The perfect gift set for anyone that's a slut for salted caramel.
Get the set of six from Food52 for $20.
18. A candle that smells like the only smell that matters.
Every candle is handmade in Ohio inside a recycled soup can and helps provide a meal to someone in need.
Get it from Man Cans for $9.50.
19. These very content condiment and wiener link keychains.
Get set at Kidrobot for $4.99.
20. A pair of friendship necklaces for the power duo.
Get the set from Castaway Cove on Etsy for $34.
21. Cufflinks for someone you wish would stop ordering ketchup at fancy restaurants.
22. A tote to carry what matters.
Get it from Kazvare Made It on Etsy for $14.07.
23. These PET CONDIMENTS, because I'd run away too after four years of dry-ass kibble.
Get the set on Amazon for $24.95.
24. An ornament that'll spice up someone's tree.
Get it at Modcloth for $9.99.
25. A gift box full of Harry & David's best-selling gourmet relishes.
Get the set of four from Harry & David for $29.99.
26. A t-shirt for advocates who know that marinara's Schedule 1 classification is just a conspiracy that favors the monopoly on regulations by Big Parma.
Get it from Zazzle for $24.80. Available in 22 colors, in sizes S-6XL.
27. Fridge magnets that remind you what to stock up on.
Get the set of four from Lucky Horse Press on Etsy for $12.
28. An adorable container of crocheted nuggets and sauces that we'll just get drunk and be mad at.
Get it from beccabeargirl on Etsy for $20.
29. A ceramic gravy boat warmer that serves gravy, dressings, cheese sauces, melted butter, and ice cream toppings at the perfect temperature.
Get it at Bed Bath & Beyond for $19.99.
30. A miniature condiment picnic table for someone who likes funny tiny picnic tables.
Get it from 1Man1Garage on Etsy for $10.
31. Or a donation on a loved one's behalf to the National Mustard Museum in Middleton, Wisconsin.
Donations start at $10.
