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    18 Types Of Sex That Prove Bottoms Deserve More Respect

    Two bottoms don't make a top.

    1. The "Two Bottoms Don't Make A Top" sex.


    They say that for every top, there's 100 bottoms (I just made that up but it's true), so every bottom has had that moment when they realise someone's got to give up and take the topping responsibility. The horror!

    2. The "Hope And Pray" sex.


    Nobody likes to pre-plan and schedule when they're gonna get it in. But if you're the bottom, there's definitely that "but I haven't douched..." dilemma.

    3. The "Bottom's Worst Nightmare" sex.


    Sometimes all the hoping and praying in the world just isn't gonna cut it and an accident happens. But hey, if the top has a problem with it then he's probably a piece of shit (I'm here all week folks).

    4. The "Going In Dry Will Make Me Cry" sex.


    You could be looser than a wizard's sleeve, but every bottom needs something to help drive that D home. All bottoms knows from experience what it's like to try fucking without lube and nobody's quick to try it again.

    5. The "Holy Fuck That Burns" sex.


    When normal lube's not around, sometimes you get creative. But shampoo probably isn't the best alternative...

    6. The "I Think That's My Kidney" sex.


    In theory a big dick is a thing of beauty. But in practice, if it feels like your organs are being rearranged, it's probably a curse in disguise.

    7. The "We Are Gathered Here Today For No Fucking Reason" sex.


    You saw him in the bar and wanted to take that dick home and set up a rodeo. Everything's going great until... the top flops because he's had a drink. And you can't exactly shoot pool with rope, if you get what I mean.

    8. The "Wait, Is That It" sex.


    A top getting wood isn't exactly a promise that things are going to be great, though. 10 minutes douching for 10 seconds of fucking? No ma'am.

    9. The "Do You Actually Know What You're Doing" sex.


    Amongst God's worst creations is the top that doesn't have a fucking clue what he's doing. He couldn't find the hole (there's only one of them, how fucking difficult can it be), his rimming gave you beard rash, and now he's jackhammering away like your butt's a punching bag. SMH.

    10. The "I Don't Think We're Done Yet You Bastard" sex.


    What's the worst thing a top can do? Finish himself and then roll over like he's off duty. Miss Thing get your dick back here, we've still got work to do.

    11. The "Squelch And Ouch" sex.


    Douching is laborious work and what makes it worse is when some of the water decides to set up house in your ass. That gets mad uncomfortable when the dick comes knocking.

    12. The "I Didn't Have Leg Day Planned Until Friday" sex.


    You got it given to you good and your back is well and truly blown out. Then you stand up and suddenly you're Ariel taking her first steps with new legs. There are worse complaints to have, but can someone get me a wheelchair?

    13. The "Drunk Decisions Make Sore Stories" sex.


    Everyone's a superhero when they've had a drink and bottoms are no exceptions. Suddenly that nine inches doesn't look so terrifying. But sober you won't be thankful when you've got to limp everywhere for the next three days.

    14. The "I Shouldn't Have Sent Those Kinky Texts" sex.

    Fox Searchlight Pictures

    Never get too big for your boots when you're sending a sext because suddenly you're in the position and you've got to put your money where your mouth is.

    15. The "What Do You Mean We're Not Done Yet" sex.


    There's only so much bashing and chafing a butt can take before you (and your ass) are worn out. Give it a break.

    16. The "Persevere Or Tap Out Dilemma" sex.


    A bottom cumming first is the rookie mistake that nobody can resist. Things get a little, shall we say, sensitive?

    17. The "Down To A Science" sex.


    Sex is easy to find. Good sex is not. So when you find someone that knows your kinks and sweet spots, you shouldn't give it up too easy.

    18. The "Dickmatising Dream Dick" sex.


    And finally, the dream dick. The one that fits just right. The one that takes you to new plains of bottoming pleasure. The one that's just perfect in every fucking way. When you find those magical inches that make you holler for all the right reasons, you start writing out your vows and lock that shit down.