back to top

The 12 Stages Of Gay Sex

Written by somebody who should know.

Posted on

1. It all starts with watching a musical.

This is also known as foreplay.
Paramount

This is also known as foreplay.

2. After a chorus of "Defying Gravity" or "Summer Nights", it's time to move things to the bedroom.

Channel 4

The entire musical experience will have left both participants beyond the realm of horny.

3. Once in the bedroom, it's time to set the mood with some music. Britney Spears or Cher is usually the soundtrack for gay sex, of course.

RCA

Kylie makes an appearance on extra-special occasions.

4. Clothes are too expensive to just rip off. Instead, gay men stand either side of the bed, remove each item of clothing individually, and carefully fold them into a neat pile.

This really gets the blood racing.
Deandrobot / Getty Images

This really gets the blood racing.

5. Before the real sex can begin, both men lie side by side and recite the gay sex prayer.

"Our DILF, who art between our sheets,Felicia be thy name.Thy kingdom cum, good gay sex will be done,On this bed as it is in porn.Give us this day our daily bred, And forgive us our sins, As we forgive those who don't douche before us.Lead us not into threesomes,But deliver us a fantastic orgasm.For thine is the kingdom, the power bottomAnd the dom top, for ever and ever. Amen."
Ryan Mcvay / Getty Images

"Our DILF, who art between our sheets,

Felicia be thy name.

Thy kingdom cum, good gay sex will be done,

On this bed as it is in porn.

Give us this day our daily bred,

And forgive us our sins,

As we forgive those who don't douche before us.

Lead us not into threesomes,

But deliver us a fantastic orgasm.

For thine is the kingdom, the power bottom

And the dom top, for ever and ever.

Amen."

6. Once the prayer has been recited in unison, the sex can begin. Positions include the "floppy wrist", the "hey gurl", and the "who pays for dinner on a date?"

TLC

Straight people believe the myth that our favourite position is doggy. That was a lie gay men told them so they wouldn't try any of the actual gay sex positions. Some things have to be kept sacred.

7. We use glitter and the tears of unicorns for lube.

Sometimes we use the disappointment of the church, but that's expensive so it's a rarity.
Mila_1989 / Getty Images

Sometimes we use the disappointment of the church, but that's expensive so it's a rarity.

8. When we cum, it's basically a confetti cannon.

ESPN

Gay men's semen is scientifically proven to be made up of 63% confetti and 37% glitter*.

*This percentage can vary.

9. We orgasm in tones of "bye Felicia" and "yaaass".

Disney

If it's particularly good we scream "slay" at the climax, but that's reserved for the real good loving.

10. As soon as both men ejaculate, a glittering rainbow appears above the bed.

It is much like in The Sims, when they woohoo and fireworks appear.
Electronic Arts

It is much like in The Sims, when they woohoo and fireworks appear.

11. Once the heat of the moment evaporates, both men rise and begin to unfold their clothes, offering fashion advice and compliments to each other.

It is, of course, the only way to finish gay sex.
Emoji Stickers / BuzzFeed

It is, of course, the only way to finish gay sex.

12. Both gay men then part ways, only to meet again in the depths of hell.

Warner Bros / Via butlercat.tumblr.com

And that is how gay sex ~really~ works.