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The 12 Stages Of Gay Sex

Written by somebody who should know.

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4. Clothes are too expensive to just rip off. Instead, gay men stand either side of the bed, remove each item of clothing individually, and carefully fold them into a neat pile.


5. Before the real sex can begin, both men lie side by side and recite the gay sex prayer.

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"Our DILF, who art between our sheets,

Felicia be thy name.

Thy kingdom cum, good gay sex will be done,

On this bed as it is in porn.

Give us this day our daily bred,

And forgive us our sins,

As we forgive those who don't douche before us.

Lead us not into threesomes,

But deliver us a fantastic orgasm.

For thine is the kingdom, the power bottom

And the dom top, for ever and ever.


6. Once the prayer has been recited in unison, the sex can begin. Positions include the "floppy wrist", the "hey gurl", and the "who pays for dinner on a date?"


Straight people believe the myth that our favourite position is doggy. That was a lie gay men told them so they wouldn't try any of the actual gay sex positions. Some things have to be kept sacred.


11. Once the heat of the moment evaporates, both men rise and begin to unfold their clothes, offering fashion advice and compliments to each other.