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    202 British Tweets From 2020 That Prove No Matter What, Brits Are Hilarious

    "I can’t believe it really is house every weekend"

    by ,

    2020 has been, for the most part, a year to forget, but thankfully British Twitter has kept us laughing all the way through. Here are the very best tweets from this year:

    1.

    Tfw your Piccadilly line service is haunted by a Victorian shoe shine boy

    2.

    I just aggressively removed two bottles of prosecco from our trolley, proclaiming crossly “Neither of us likes prosecco. It’s bloody horrible” The gentleman moved away from me at speed. We had not met before. It was neither my trolley nor my husband.

    3.

    Just tried these on, tried to walk away and I stumbled

    4.

    Just witnessed a child in a zero waste shop yell ‘LENTILS’ before opening the lentil pipe and allowing them to gush forth. Chaos. Lentils everywhere

    5.

    watching The Masked Singer with my dad and he goes “I think it’s Madonna” yeah Ray it’s definitely the world’s best selling female artist of all time with a net worth of $600 million singing on ITV at 7pm on a Saturday night dressed as a hench yellow duck

    6.

    7.

    didn’t realise this wid get so much attention but it’s from @AquariumNZ they post naughty and good penguins of the month every month and it’s great content (I reccomend) xxx

    8.

    My postman has left his sack on my doorstep. What does this mean? Am I the postman now?

    9.

    will someone please tell me what he is wearing????

    10.

    A guy who I was meant to go on a date with has now cancelled on me three times. I just sent him a message saying ‘I swear I just saw you in a corner shop in Notting Hill’ and sent him this and he blocked me 😂

    11.

    Who knew? Uh.... literally every woman who’s ever worked with a man.

    12.

    13.

    lost my phone in the alps in a club and someone handed it into the bar ! i found this vid the next day and i love her please twitter help

    14.

    No matter how many times I watch this video, it makes me laugh every single time. [sound up]

    15.

    [to the tune of Eleanor Rigby] Birmingham Aldi: Went in to buy just some coffee and butter and bread, Left with twelve sheds

    16.

    Quick question: Is it "for fucks sake" or "for fuck sake" ? It's for a work email so has to sound professional.

    17.

    18.

    CRYING omg they did not see her there

    19.

    social media jobs be like: Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen "a computer"? Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business £13k, Slough

    20.

    Me in primary getting up to collect my star of the week certificate for assembly

    21.

    Still haunted by my GCSE German speaking exam when the examiner asked what I liked doing and I said reading and she asked what books I liked and I panicked and said the name of the only book I knew the title of in German. Yeah, that one.

    22.

    why is the best story of 2020 being ignored, is what i want to know

    23.

    Why was every school disco DJ like this

    24.

    25.

    26.

    My mum, a northerner in London, keeps calling central London the “town centre” 😡😡😩😩

    27.

    28.

    This week’s Guardian restaurant column is about a northern chip shop. This comment has kept me awake. I. I just. What.

    29.

    Do you remember when Bridget Jones was considered a loser for having a full-time job in PR and having our own flat in zone one London and being single at 32 😂

    30.

    Where the hell is this and what have they done with London?

    31.

    32.

    at what age does buying a round of tequila shots for a group of friends turn from being a generous act of love to being a pain in the fucking arse for everyone

    33.

    34.

    A small 13 (maybe 12) year old boy just yelled at me ‘you’re too fit to be taking out the bins’ and he is so right

    35.

    Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train

    36.

    37.

    what if Greta Thunberg is in a kind of Ferris Bueller situation where she just wanted one day off school and it’s spiralled out of control

    38.

    imagine raising a child with a manny or brum accent “Daddeh am oongreh” nah g stay hungry loool

    39.

    40.

    It appears that my husband and I haven’t managed adaquately explain our relationship to the children. They thought we were brothers 🤔😂

    41.

    just nibbling on a free sample at Costa and asked the server what the cake was and she said oh that’s just someone’s leftovers they’ve put on the counter so that’s wonderful good job me

    42.

    my friend only shaves if she knows she’s 100% going to be having sex bc ‘there’s no point peeling a tattie if yer no going to mash it’

    43.

    Katy Perry: Do you ever feel like a plastic bag? 13 year old me:

    44.

    Sometimes I think I’ve got my shit together and then I remember we still only have a cheese grater I won in a cracker

    45.

    My customer service voice vs my real voice https://t.co/1FBTyOPIG1

    46.

    If Princess Diana was still alive I think Beyoncé would’ve sent her the Ivy Park collection

    47.

    Kate Winslet and Leonardo DiCaprio on the set of Titanic (1997)

    48.

    49.

    Babe are you ok? I said ‘auto glass repair’ and you didn’t say ‘auto glass replace’ ?

    50.

    51.

    You won, Cornwall. Enjoy the tier 1, I hope it makes you very happy.

    52.

    No one: Girls for literally no reason at all:

    53.

    When Hermes emails you to say 'we've got your parcel' it feels more like a threat than an update doesn't it.

    54.

    55.

    Bob the builders friends when he's depressed https://t.co/YSq0wBmThy

    56.

    News in 2020 NME in 2011 🤝 Really excited about vaccines

    57.

    me aged 13 reading a series of unfortunate events https://t.co/PbakodwWjG

    58.

    nothing beats a uk election night. i don't want algorithms and shiny graphics i want shadow chancellors losing their jobs on tv in a leisure centre at 3am

    59.

    Just caught a glimpse of myself on a Zoom and immediately regretted it

    60.

    61.

    When you get a shit present for Christmas & you have to pretend that you love it 😭😭

    62.

    Me when I delete “Sent from my iPhone” to make the email more formal

    63.

    so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her

    64.

    Why does every Fairground worker sound the same

    65.

    I will never get over the fact Nigella isn't pictured in any of the recipes on her website except for Slut's Spaghetti

    66.

    I think it might be me. https://t.co/Polij8JJr1

    67.

    the year is 2010 and a woman in Coventry has just pushed a cat in a bin. literally everyone you know online is whipped into a frenzy about it; some call for the return of the death penalty. "That was odd", you think afterwards. Every day of the next decade is like this.

    68.

    69.

    when your colleagues ask how your weekend was after a big one x

    70.

    Tips for those of you about to start working from home... 1) Wanking. Get to love it. 2) lunch. It’s a big thing. Your entire day will hinge around this. 3) The Postman. They will appear when you are wanking. 4) Radio on ok. TV on bad. 5) Wanking.

    71.

    72.

    Remember GCSE art exams? I swear art students were stuck in that exam for like 3 days with no food, water or sleep.

    73.

    a student I used to teach is now a signed drill rapper. Now I'm attentively listening to his music for any 'my teacher said I won't be shit' lyrics ....cos I too will pull up to studio

    74.

    75.

    At Darcy’s 21st theres a video of her getting her cake and everyone singing happy birthday and in the back u hear her cousin screaming “get your titssss out” and then her Aunty saying “josh! That’s your cousin”

    76.

    77.

    I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.

    78.

    bae: come over me: can’t, in self isolation bae: my parents aren’t home me:

    79.

    i love how all the pasta in sainsburys is sold out except lasagne sheets even in a pandemic people are like fuck this I’m not making a whole ass lasagne

    80.

    Borrowed £10 from a girl I was dating. Paid her back the same day. When it went sour she told people she financially supported me when I had no job.

    81.

    day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home

    82.

    I know this time of self isolation is hard and scary for people but however bad you are feeling- please, please don’t consider starting your own podcast Straight men under the age of 35 are particularly vulnerable to this and we all need to be vigilant of the dangers x

    83.

    Had to order Penis Pasta from Ann Summers due to stock piling covidiots. Here's my spaghetti bollocknaise 👍

    84.

    85.

    I don’t know who made this but they deserve an award

    86.

    What precautions are you all taking during the global pandemic? My mum is bathing her Tesco delivery

    87.

    Me telling my gran over the phone that Boris has corona virus

    88.

    As the city empties, our indigenous wildlife is coming down from the mountains around London. Nature will find a way.

    89.

    do you think the pub is thinking about us

    90.

    My son lost a tooth last night. I just saved myself £2

    91.

    “I don’t want to see any of you out there, I run my toe up the crack of yer ass” #janeygodleyvoiceover #nicolasturgeon #COVIDー19

    92.

    93.

    positively phenomenal use of the BBC News theme tune. Little does she know this is actually how we make the news

    94.

    I'm coming out of my cage That's a £30 fine

    95.

    Prince William after hearing Prince Charles has got the covid

    96.

    “What are you up to today?”

    97.

    98.

    Took this photo at my local park this afternoon. Makes me livid 😠

    99.

    100.

    UK rappers in Drake’s comments whenever he posts on IG

    101.

    Loved this moment in the Queen’s speech.

    102.

    Aww, so cute! Some local children made this for all of the doctors in my hospital 🥰

    103.

    I can’t believe it really is house every weekend

    104.

    I bloody love Jamie Oliver’s Keep Cooking and Carry On because he says you can substitute ingredients for ones you do have in the cupboard. I made his Aubergine Curry Dal with Herby Flatbreads tonight.

    105.

    Told my mum she was the best mum in the world this morning and she goes ‘well what about my mum?’ so now I’m sat here having to slag off gran to save an argument

    106.

    A child in my village drew this and put it in the window and honestly same

    107.

    Best chat up line ever, if you’re a postie ! #coronavirusuk

    108.

    Adorable moment man interrupted by his son on live TV

    109.

    Greg Wallace, aggressively pushing out farts in various poses, whilst maintaining eye contact.

    110.

    I thought the personalised message was for the driver not the pods 😂 oops

    111.

    Omfg best one yet 😭😭😭😭

    112.

    My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day. Little does she know, her father is the prank master Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.

    113.

    I think about Brooklyn Beckham's photography book quite often

    114.

    Why does young Katy Perry look exactly like jay from eastenders

    115.

    Saw this home learning sign a parent had put in their window.

    116.

    i’ve had such a nice day with my book. took it outside. took it back inside. rested a cup on it. put it on the shelf. took it off the shelf. didn’t open it but

    117.

    My Nan’s best friend lives at the end of the garden, so they open their adjoining gate (best friend goals), take a chair and sit and talk to each other either side wearing their masks. It was today I found out that this is the mask my Nan has been wearing.

    118.

    Another day another stupid Excel chart

    119.

    must admit it’s really nice not having my bank statement look like JD WETHERSPOON - £6.05 JD WETHERSPOON - £11.49 JD WETHERSPOON - £4.99 JD WETHERSPOON - £7.15

    120.

    Hows everyone’s lockdown going I’ve just bought a dildo signed into me mums eBay account

    121.

    Do a dramatisation of this next, @ITV

    122.

    Emmanuel Macron gets ready to scare Fiona Bruce when she turns around.

    123.

    hermes when they realised everyone will be home for months so they can’t pretend they tried to deliver the packages anymore

    124.

    lockdown is really making me forget about my favourite hobby - looking at restaurant menu PDFs in anticipation of eating there 😔😔😔

    125.

    hermes proper fucked me off yesterday

    126.

    Just walked in fae the shop with heidphones in and nearly had a fucking heart attack. My mother has finally lost it

    127.

    girl are u the stock market? because you are behaving erratically and you fucked my mate’s dad

    128.

    129.

    Facebook is unrivalled hahahahah

    130.

    131.

    132.

    133.

    how I imagine the uk walked into brexit negotiations

    134.

    Today in things I didn’t expect to wake up to

    135.

    Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off

    136.

    Surely someone on the phone in work didn’t just say ‘Q for cucumber’ 🤣🤣🤣

    137.

    weird looking brother https://t.co/W1Nw7XwmGJ

    138.

    139.

    There’s one guy on hinge who keeps insisting I come to his for a drink and refuses to meet out. It’s not my skin you will use for leather couch

    140.

    141.

    142.

    Not the second one😭 are you dating Alfie moon? https://t.co/GjGc5WCKPU

    143.

    think i might buy this and go as mrs hinch's settee for halloween

    144.

    thinking abt the mad clutch control peppa pig’s dad has you know always drivin up that steep hill

    145.

    Morning of my dad's wedding, I was 14. Why do I look like a disgraced UKIP candidate

    146.

    the virus will be over by Christmas and on Christmas day the virus and the scientists will meet in no man's land for a game of football

    147.

    Love this picture of Adele being driven around by Noel Gallagher

    148.

    RIP to all the kids that died for our entertainment on Raven on CBBC❤️

    149.

    white middle class streetwear photographers be like ‘ i know a spot’

    150.

    Me in my bedroom after watching George Sampson win Britain’s Got Talent

    151.

    Just when I'd got over Prince Charles and his sausage fingers, along comes Noel Gallagher with the feet of a newborn baby.

    152.

    Absolutely love going into Lush now that their employees don’t come anywhere fucking near me

    153.

    I think about Stormzy’s commentary on Jolene at least twice a day

    154.

    Next door with top class grass banter.

    155.

    Why does this photo look like Priti Patel is the new market inspector in EastEnders?

    156.

    Michaela Coel's cheekbones are the only structure this country has rn

    157.

    158.

    you write like groovy chick https://t.co/LIt11irAUH

    159.

    young tories when people don’t want to be friends with them

    160.

    161.

    Jess Glynne and her mates getting turned away from sexy fish

    162.

    Love this picture of a family of evacuees fleeing World War 2 - shows that even in a crisis family is everything.

    163.

    164.

    My daughter a nurse went to check her bank account and she has 36 claps left to last her till the end of the month.

    165.

    Everyone just needs to appreciate how funny this is

    166.

    This is a British schooling in a video

    167.

    I shouldn’t have to feel this anger alone.

    168.

    #EatOutToHelpOut is trending in the UK and I am proud to hear such valuable sex advice reaching the masses.

    169.

    Lorraine Kelly should’ve won a BAFTA for this. I honestly thought I was watching Jodie Comer in Killing Eve

    170.

    Me on Zoom, not listening to anything you’re saying https://t.co/FCVD1WyqwU

    171.

    172.

    My furloughed housemate coming in for some casual 4pm chit-chat

    173.

    I think we need to stop calling it 'working from home' and start calling it 'living at work'

    174.

    Just farted on a zoom call and it lit my name up. I've been betrayed

    175.

    boris: "the common sense of the british people is going to get us through this" the british people:

    176.

    When you order your girlfriend a personalised gin glass and get the option to add a note......

    177.

    178.

    179.

    180.

    "I once took my wife and child on an hour's drive to test my eyesight"

    181.

    at primary school someone i sat next to confessed to me via note that she had a big crush on Hercules from the 1997 animated film Hercules but ONLY when he dives into the Styx and becomes an old man. i felt sick about it for weeks. anyway i wonder if she’s doing well. this is him

    182.

    legends say that only a construction worker who is pure of heart may retrieve it

    183.

    BBC staff have just been sent a wellbeing survey and I'm fairly confident this wasn't meant to be one of the questions

    184.

    So Iceland have just released DipDab ice lollies and I left the sherbet on the side because I didn’t want it and now my mum thinks I’m dealing x

    185.

    Sorry Charlotte but I’m gonna have to call bullshit on this one...

    186.

    One of Enid Blyton's more adventurous stories https://t.co/wHXdwQolly

    187.

    Still can’t believe I went for dyslexia screening but missed my appointment cause I read the date on the letter wrong

    188.

    Honestly I’ve carried a child for 9 months for Sam to size compare her to a hoagie

    189.

    190.

    Tricky start to the season for Pollen FC

    191.

    screaming at this email from my nan x

    192.

    Me hearing that I can’t see my friends or family but CAN go for a £1 thong haul at primark from 15th June

    193.

    Would you like to start with scales or your pieces?

    194.

    Can’t see my cat approving of this substitution.

    195.

    Government: cleaners are allowed but not your parents Me:

    196.

    Dominic Cummings dresses like a combination of every character from the 1st season of Skins x

    197.

    British kids in schools if they finally change the history curriculum to feature colonialism:

    198.

    Stretch marks on my bum but the bum ain’t stretching????

    199.

    British media reporting on the Black Lives Matter protests tomorrow. 🗞🤦🏽‍♂️

    200.

    Bit worried all the mermaids are currently falling in love with slave owners

    201.

    Proper fiat 500 this like but how the fuck do we have 2 hands since birth yet me left hand is literally useless it makes no sense it’s been knockin about for 20 years an I can’t even brush me teeth with it without nearly harpooning meself

    202.

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