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1. A pair of loafers that really rise to the occasion.
2. A pair of instant undies because you never know when you're going to need them in an emergency.
3. A reversible sequin pillow case that reveals Nic Cage's face when you pet it. If this isn't a national treasure, nothing is.
4. A simply wonderful mousepad featuring Steve Buscemi or Owen Wilson that will make your desk 100000% better.
5. A pack of rude gnomes to cause trouble in your houseplants.
6. A divine clock that's both funny and helpful.
7. A box of anus-shaped chocolate so you can finally tell your loved one that you care about them, no butts about it.
8. Jizz the Game — a game everyone will be pumped to play.
9. Justin Bieber dental floss that you better belieb is gonna keep your chompers feeling clean and fresh.
10. A clock dedicated to a particularly awkward scene in The Office. Now every time can be brocc-o-clock.
11. A pack of Joe's Exotic condoms that you don't even have to travel to Oklahoma to buy.
12. A corgi butt bottle opener that is uhmmmmm cute? Look, there is dog caboose merch everywhere these days, so this feels inevitable.
13. A variety pack of soda for anyone who just really needs to know what buffalo wing-flavored pop tastes like.
14. A pair of Stressticles that you can squeeze with reckless abandon when you're feeling testes.
15. A loooooong furby body pillow cover ready to take its place as number one waifu.
16. Or a Beetlejuice sandworm sticker with a lil' Furby in its mouth that just wants to say hello. Love a good '90s crossover.
17. A pack of black toilet paper rolls in case all your bathroom trips need to be as goth as you are.
18. A Darth Vader pool float with outstretched arms ready to give you a hug. That's something we all need right now, even if it's from a Sith Lord.
19. A deodorant that smells like freshly minted money so you can feel like a million bucks every day.
20. A pack of dick-shaped lipsticks that'll make you look so good, you might get cocky.
21. An inflatable foot bath you can fill with heel-saving goo that'll feel oh-so relaxing.
22. A set of human face stress balls with wretchedly twisted faces sure to turn your frown upside-down (or some other weird direction).
23. Keanu Reeve's heavenly visage printed on a fleece blanket you'll certainly want to cuddle up with.
24. A non-medical face mask that has it all: neon colors and tigers and cowboy hats... oh my!
25. A left-handed candle for my fellow southpaws who would like something that's finally designed with the left hand in mind. BRB, gotta wash ink off my hand.
26. A wooden spoon with Nic Cage's face adorned on the bottom so you can get started on a bread recipe while rewatching Moonstruck. They say bread is life!
27. A non-medical mask featuring Cuomo's judgmental stare. If this doesn't shame your neighbors into also wearing a mask, then nothing will.
28. An oil painting print of Frank in his Ongo Gablogian disguise.
29. A potato pal that's be a great personalized gifts to send to all your spuddies.
30. A pair of horizontal reading glasses so you can read or watch TV without going through the ridiculous effort of lifting your head.
31. And a sexy (?) googly-eyed thong for turning your junk into a trunk.
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