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1. A fart dictionary that details all the different types of flatulence they might encounter in their day-to-day. They'll have a ~toot~ spotting different offenses.
*brushes off a pair of reading glasses, sits in a rocking chair beside a roaring fire, takes a pull on a pipe, cracks the book open* a boa constrictor fart is any fart that wraps around your face and won't let go.
Get it from Amazon for $12.11, Barnes & Noble for $13, Urban Outfitters for $13, or from a local bookseller through Indiebound.
2. A pack of wine condoms to keep your friends safe from spilled wine.
3. A sleep mask rude enough to finally get them some shut-eye.
Get it from Amazon for $11.99+ (available in three font colors).
4. A pack of penis lipsticks in so many shades, you won't even feel like a dick if you save one for yourself.
Don't be silly, keep a willy for yourself.
Get a pack of 12 from Amazon for $17.95.
5. A sun-powered gnome with a glowing moon.
Promising review: "So cute... I already have had lots of comments. A definite conversation piece in the garden. Love it." —Desert Daisy
Get it from Amazon for $34.99.
6. A boob-shaped paperweight to give to your ~breast~ friend.
Getting this give may cause instant tittering. You're definitely going to be considered a one in a melon friend. The idea that anyone could breast you in gifting will be nipped in the bud. OK, I'm done, I'm sorry.
Get it from Amazon for $18.99.
7. A coloring book dedicated to something all cat owners see a lot of: exposed feline butt holes.
Promising review: "Do you like to laugh? Do you like to color?? Then this is the book for you...BUY IT NOW! Buy two because your friend needs one too." —Tamara Scott
Get it from Amazon for $5.99.
8. Or a coloring book inspired by a bunch of tooting creatures.
There are a lot of farting coloring books, like sloths, magical creatures, and Pokemon.
Promising review: "This is the funniest coloring book ever! Sure to please the most discriminating adolescent on your gift giving list! Or just amusement for your own inner adolescent! High quality pictures!" —Mama Ro
Get it from Amazon for $3.67.
9. A profane spin on the baby on board sticker, because babies can't ready anyway.
Get it from Amazon for $4.79.
10. A roll of middle finger washi tape perfect for wrapping up a gift for someone they're not found of.
Get it from JulieAnnArt on Etsy for $4.50.
11. A pack of angry cards they can put under windshield wipers whenever they see a bad parking job.
There are five different captions and ten of each.
Get a box of 50 from Amazon for $16.99.
12. A tea infuser that takes "teabagging" to a new literal level that no one was really ready for.
13. A book filled with various sex positions they can try each day — just don't let them open this in front of grandma.
It even has festive positions for various holidays. But where is the position where we just watch TV and fall asleep on the couch instead?
Get it from Amazon for $11.66, Barnes & Noble for $12.24, Urban Outfitters for $12.95, or from a local bookseller through Indiebound.
14. Anus soap they'll love, no ~butts~ about it.
Get a pack of four from NopeSoapsShop on Etsy for $5.95.
15. A card game based on a phrase most fans of The Office know very well: "That's What She Said."
It's basically a super sexual version of Apples to Apples. You can play with over four players and each game lasts 30–60 minutes.
Promising review: "So funny! Took this to a bachelorette party and we all loved it! Even the older moms and grandmas got into it!" —Kikame
Get it from Amazon for $24.99.
16. A p(r)etty mug with an important message.
Get it from pnwenamelco on Etsy for $16.25.
17. A mousepad with a pokeable corgi butt wrist rest that's not weird at all. Nope.
Get it from Amazon for $17.98.
18. Granny PottyMouth’s Fast as F*ck Cookbook — for the foul-mouthed chef thinks cursing at the food makes it taste better.
Make delicious as fuck recipes like butternut squash and apple orgasm, crepes–not crap, bad-ass beef and broccoli, and more.
Get it from Amazon for $10.99.
19. A Pooping Pooches wall calendar that'll be a pawsome gift for anyone who poo-poos using digital calendars.
A new month, a new dog pooping.
Get it from PoopingPooches on Etsy for $14.99.
20. A bag of reindeer farts, which taste suspiciously like peppermint cotton candy.
Get it from Amazon for $10.95.
21. A cookbook filled with punishingly delicious bacon recipes.
Get it from Amazon for $11.68.
22. Jizz — a competitive game everyone will be ~pumped~ to play.
Fill this gizmo up with water (or any other liquid) to get started. Spin the balls to see how many pumps the player needs to perform, plus where they need to aim it.
Get it from Firebox for $25.99.
23. A sassy pair of socks that, if the boots are made for walking, are made for talking (shit).
Get them from Amazon for $7.37+ (available in over 80 styles).
24. A toilet keychain with a liftable lid so they can get some practice in and maybe stop leaving the actual toilet lid up.
Get it from Amazon for $6.99.
25. A blank recipe journal they can fill with all the tasty shit their mom has made over the years.
Promising review: "I got this for my son for Christmas and filled it with all his favorite recipes. It has a page in the front where you can inscribe it with a date as well so it makes a great gift." —Amazon Customer
Get it from Amazon for $6.29.
27. A notepad with various prompts to fill out when they're too flabbergasted to say anything other than "WTF!"
Get it from Amazon for $5.30.
28. And a reindeer mankini that will make their cheeks as red as Rudolph's nose.
Get it from Amazon for $16.99.
Not enough for you? Check out even more crude gifts.
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Reviews have been edited for length and/or clarity.
