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1. A pug with a measuring tape for a tongue, so you can make doggone certain your measurements are correct before trying to shove a giant, castle-shaped dog bed through your door.
2. A clear shower curtain with pockets so you can multi-task on mornings when you're running late to work.
3. A cat hammock so your feline friend can relax and look out the window when you don't have any windowsill space.
4. A karate (lettuce) chopper sure to make Spongebob proud.
5. A gnome or corgi cork stopper so the fun doesn't have to stop when the drinking does.
6. Or a wine condom for people who won't stop saying "penis grigio."
7. A goofy cat trash can to make cleaning up way less clawful.
8. A video game-inspired light switch for people who just really miss having a pressable button on their iPhone.
9. A pair of rubber gloves to make dishes almost worth doing (ALMOST).
10. A pack of Tide Pod bath bombs so you can feel like a fresh load of laundry after taking a bath.
11. A pair of lips that turn that old health class saying ("like kissing an ash tray") into something literal.
12. Or some breasts if your audience still giggles at the sight of them.
13. A yoga mat with its priorities straight even when you can't walk straight, whether it be from sore muscles or alcohol.
14. A pair of bread slippers, aka loafers to keep your feet warm and toasty.
15. A tin of Shakespeare band-aids that add insult to injury (but still make great bandages).
16. A Cheesus Christ cheese grater for when you're doing the lord's work and making mac and cheese.
17. A set of hooks that are more fun than a barrel of monkeys.
18. A Darth Vader shower head so you can bathe in his tears. What a rebellious way to get clean!
19. A singing woman in a bathtub with customizable scrubber hair, so you can make your own soap opera every time you do the dishes.
20. A foaming clay mask to turn skincare into a total gigglefest.
21. A knit beanie with a built-in beard so you can enjoy the warmth of facial hair without having to invest in beard oil.
22. A llama duster to ensure you actually want to clean your house.
23. A Game Boy watch because you're not playing around when it comes to being punctual.
24. Finger claws to make you feel like a tiny dinosaur while chowing down on wings. But like, a really clean dino, because your hands will be spotless.
25. A weird and wonderful shower curtain for anyone who doesn't want anyone (except Jeff Goldblum and his primate friend) to see them shower.
26. An exciting Rambo cat mousepad to replace that old boring Dell one you've had since your first computer.
27. A pet umbrella that might seem silly until your dog finally agrees to go out in the rain.
28. A clever trivet to turn your cooking into a crime scene. That tomato sauce suddenly looks sinister.
29. A quirky little cat oven mitt that waves to you. "Hey!" it says, "let's purrfect that cookie recipe!"
30. Wine lip tint to stain your lips almost as well as if you just downed a bottle of merlot.
31. A pair of salt and pepper shakers that spend their time "porking" when not seasoning your food.
32. Cord ties with long tongues to keep you from getting your wires crossed.
33. A hilarious little face scrubber to help you remove excess oil and dirt. Your face will be blackhead free, but you might have more smile lines after using this little guy.
34. An elephant ottoman that's part furniture and part furry pal.
35. Dr. Jart's rubber mask shaker so your face can be as smooth as the baby face on the packaging.
36. Cat-paw tongs, because your cat puts its paws on all your food anyway.
37. A magical bunny pourer that can double the amount of shots you pour — talk about useful!
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