Your fertility is of the utmost importance to Henry VIII
He’ll be looking for someone who can bear him a child – and more importantly a son. So those womanly hips and fruitful womb are vital.
You're going to need to tolerate Henry's antics
Henry VIII is the ultimate medieval fuck boy, and no matter how special he makes you feel when he’s courting you, as soon as you’re married and trying to get pregnant he’s going to start humping your attractive maidservant. Just look what happened to Anne Boleyn. She was his sexy mistress while he was with Katherine of Aragon, but once they got together he quickly moved on to Anne’s maid Jane Seymour.
Henry is going to cheat on you, and you need to put up with it
Anne Boleyn was accused of plotting to kill Henry, partly because of her jealousy over his affair with her maid, Jane Seymour. You’ll need to politely ignore the King’s shenanigans if you want to keep your head.
Henry found meekness an attractive trait in a woman
Jane Seymour, arguably his favourite wife, was extremely passive, described as “gentle a lady as ever I knew” by Henry’s minister John Russell. Jane died after giving birth to a son, Edward, in 1537, and Henry actually grieved for her.
Henry VIII is less likely to kill you if have an influential family
Anne of Cleves survived her marriage to Henry and was cooly divorced rather than beheaded. Partly this may have been because Henry wanted to avoid a major diplomatic incident with her powerful German family.
Get in that milk bath, bitch!
When Henry VIII married Katherine Parr he was in a bad state. His leg, wounded years before in a hunting accident, was ulcerous and infected. But Katherine dutifully performed her role as his devoted wife nonetheless.
Henry better not find out you’ve had any previous partners, or it’ll be off with your head
That’s what happened to Henry’s teenage bride, Katherine Howard. She’d been sexually abused as a child, and then probably raped by Thomas Culpepper. When Henry found out about her sexual history, he beheaded her.
Would You Survive Marriage To Henry VIII?
Soz, but you’re a too much of an independent woman for Henry’s liking. Your days will end bloodily in the Tower of London.
Henry might not hate you enough to chop off your head – well done. You might even escape the marriage with a couple of royal residences under your belt.
Henry would love you – whether you’d be truly happy is another matter.