1. The Teacher’s Pet
Maybe this student didn’t gift the traditional apple, but he or she always followed the teacher’s direction to the letter. The inscrutable goodness of this student was admirable but occasionally annoying; some days you wanted to goof off without worrying about that extra set of eyes judging you.
2. The Mysterious Guy Who Never Took Off His Jacket
This guy never talked to anyone but his closest guy friends, and maybe you weren’t sure why he always wore that track jacket (was he on the track team?), but there was just something about him that seemed effortlessly cool. All of the girls (and some of the guys) had a major crush on him, mostly because no one could figure out what his deal was. You just had a hunch that he was kind of awesome.
3. The Awesomely Trendy Girl
In a sea of students that followed teen magazine fashion to the letter, there was always that one girl who put together the most off-the-wall clothes and somehow made them work together. No, seriously; once during fifth period she cobbled together earrings from unfurled staples and novelty erasers that were indistinguishable from some expensive shit you saw at the mall. You probably tried to copy her style once or twice with disastrous effects.
4. The Only Student in the Class Who Got Calculus
We were pretty sure she was a goddamned genius. In our darker moments, we wondered if she had gotten a hold of an answer key. On nights before the exam, we even suspected her of witchcraft. Luckily, she more than happy to tutor us if we asked nicely enough.
5. That Couple That Was Always Making Out in the Hall
Stop, you guys. Just stop. I mean, look, we’re happy that you got to third base by skipping history class, but you must be running out of saliva by now and it might be a good time to think about rehydrating yourselves. Or maybe just take it to that unused stairwell near the gym? Love, your grossed-out classmates.
6. The Guy Who Was in a Garage Band
…and didn’t actually suck. Because let’s face it, most of us tried to form a band at some point. This guy actually got paid to play at the local coffee shop, which, as far as you were concerned, made him legitimately cool. In contrast, no one was paying your band to do anything except stop practicing.
7. The Guy That Only Ever Ate School-Made Pizza
It’s a good thing pizza was always on the menu, because he apparently hated all the other lunchtime options. In fact, he always seemed a little TOO excited about those cheese-encrusted squares, which prompted you to wonder if you were missing something important about them. In any case, man cannot live on cardboard alone. He must have eaten something else at home, right?
8. The Students That Looked Like Clones of One Another
This group of friends just blurred together: Their mannerisms, clothing, hobbies, and personalities were unfathomably identical. The least awkward way of interacting with them involved waiting until they were all together in a group before saying, “Hi, [insert the only name you remembered]!” And then you just hoped that that guy wasn’t home sick that day.
9. The Hot Topic Goth
Unsurprisingly, Hot Topic goths can be found hanging out at the local mall. Outside of their normal habitat (read: school), they are easily recognizable by their preference for wearing somber-colored, pseudo-Victorian outfits, which are complemented by a plethora of skull-shaped accessories. If asked, they will sometimes confess to being a real-life vampire or a witch, or else are thrilled to discuss the possibilities of their existence with you. Teachers are wary of them because of their outward appearance, but they are usually fun to hang out with if you can stomach their taste for angry music.
10. The Guy with Access to Alcohol
His parents obviously had a sizable liquor cabinet, because they never seemed to miss the large quantities of booze this guy smuggled in to every party. He’s probably responsible for your first unsupervised taste of beer, and maybe also your first hangover and/or trip to the ER to get your stomach pumped.
11. The Minor Internet Celebrity
Maybe this person once made a really cool viral video, but chances are his or her internet fame derived from whiny vlogging about how bad it sucks to be a teenager. Whenever you got into an argument with this person, the trump card was always “I don’t care what you think. I’ve got over 5,000 followers.”
12. The Embodiment of School Spirit
Usually a cheerleader, she was cute and fun and had more school pride that even she knew what to do with. Despite being lusted after by the male population, she was more likely to spend her weekend spearheading various school-related fundraisers (car washes, bake sales, etc.) than go on a date. Oh, does the school need extracurricular volunteers to scrub the school trophies with an extra fine toothbrush? No problem, she’s on it.
13. The Perpetual Jackass
Why was this guy always picking fights? Sure, sometimes he’d be suspended, but he always managed to escape outright expulsion. When he was in school, most of us spent our time trying to avoid this one out of a strong desire to keep our teeth in our mouths.
14. The Popular Girl
Everyone loves you, but we’re not really sure why we love you except it possibly has something to do with your really great hair and natural resistance to acne. Sometimes the popular girl earned her popularity because she actually was a genuinely awesome person, but many of them made you scratch your head and say, “Really?”
16. The Geek Gamer
The geek gamer’s grades were mediocre, but in reality he’s a master strategist whose academic career only suffered because he would spend too much time thinking about Dungeons & Dragons. Much to the teachers’ dismay, study hall and lunch periods became Magic: The Gathering tournaments when he was around. His locker was well-supplied with a stock of D20s and various other game pieces, but you didn’t dare touch any of these without saying the secret password first.
18. The Jock
Often the tow-headed captain or MVP of any varsity athletic team, usually a good two feet taller than you, and prone to wearing polo shirts. To his credit, the jock looked good in a polo (and pretty much anything else he wore), which had the unusual effect of masking any obvious douchebaggery. Until he opened his mouth, this is.
19. The Pretty Princess
There’s that one girl (often, we find, with a trust fund) who thinks that everything should go her way because she is, obviously, the Queen of the Goddamned Universe. She loves all things pink, sparkly, and absurdly expensive and has little tolerance for female classmates who question the boundaries of gender norms. She is the only member of your class with minions who are all too happy to find a vending machine that is not out of Diet Coke.
20. The Guy Who Turned Everything into a Competition
THIS GUY. Everything you did was a freaking contest. You can maybe understand why friendly games of Mario Kart sometimes went awry, and grade-grubbing seems sort of normal for high schoolers, but did we really need to see who could eat the most cafeteria hot dogs without puking? Or we maybe could’ve taken a pass on how many wadded-up pieces of notebook paper we could shove into or nostrils? Seriously, it was annoying, and my nose is starting to hurt.
21. The guy in the back who thinks he’s invisible
Dude, you may be sitting in the back row, but we ALL KNOW what you’re doing back there. Now look, we do our best to ignore your, well, hobby, because quite frankly, we’d like to not think too much about it, but JESUS CHRIST would you kindly get a clue because there’s NO WAY FOR US TO TELL YOU WE KNOW without being completely awkward about it.
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