Disasters You Can Expect Now That Marriage Equality Is Here

Eighteen other countries legalized same-sex marriage before America. Let's see how some of them are holding up.

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Same-sex marriage is now legal in the United States! Most people are excited about it, but there is a vocal minority who are worried about what this means for our fine country...

Disgusted at this country's direction right now. There's something wrong when pride flags can go up, but confederate flags have to come down

The definition of "marriage" has been skewed and transformed into something that was never meant to be. I'm disappointed in America today.

Our country is literally going to Hell in a #SCOTUS #LGBT handbasket. Will we fret or fight a good Gospel fight? :)

Iceland's parliament voted unanimously to legalize same-sex marriage in 2010. Only four years after this ruling, these pictures were taken and posted on Instagram by the police department in Iceland's capital, Reykjavik.

instagram.com
instagram.com

Iceland distracts itself by detaching from reality and burying its collective head in books. In fact, there are five books published for every 1,000 citizens — more than any other country.

Iceland is also very good at presenting a brave face to researchers. The World Happiness Report has managed to come away with the frankly laughable impression that Iceland is the second-happiest country in the world.

In addition to having to endure same-sex marriage, the people of the Netherlands have consistently had to endure being listed among the 10 happiest countries in the world by the World Happiness Report.

Flickr: aigle_dore / Creative Commons

The Netherlands also persists in its perverse obsession with bicycles, fine cheese, and nice flowers. In fact, 75% of the world's flower bulb production comes from Netherlands.

But its nightmare didn’t end there. Four years later, a UNICEF report ranked Belgium as the “best country for children’s educational well-being.”

Flickr: nogood / Creative Commons

Just thinking about all those insufferable, overeducated youths is enough to make you weep for the future of humanity.

Spain legalized same-sex marriage on July 3, 2005.

Flickr: metamorfose_ambulante / Creative Commons

This set in motion a devastating series of events that led to a result that Spaniards are still shaking their heads about. In 2009, a poll of 15,000 people conducted by a global research firm determined that Spain has the best lovers in the world.

A mere eight years after the ruling, the Spanish wine industry, which had clearly gone completely insane after the change, topped the world rankings. Spanish vineyards produced enough wine to fill 6.7 billion bottles.

Flickr: angela_llop / Creative Commons

Also, every afternoon, following lunch, Spanish people take naps, en masse. There is basically a nap epidemic in Spain. A siesta scourge.

Canada introduced same-sex marriage on July 20, 2005, despite being the most educated country in the world.

Flickr: mastermaq / Creative Commons

Six years later, the stalwart resilience of Canadians in the face of a national crisis was poignantly demonstrated: A 2011 study found that 9 out of 10 Canadians age 12 or older were “satisfied or very satisfied” with their lives.

Norway legalized same-sex marriage on Jan. 1, 2009. All they've managed to do since is come in No. 1 in the Human Development Index (HDI), the UN's measure of quality of life for all the world's nations, every year.

Flickr: tjook / Creative Commons

Their apparent obsession with "love" has also led to Norway being named the most peaceful country, according to the Global Peace Index.

Their lives shattered by the ruling, French people turned to one another for comfort. How else to explain the 2014 finding that 87% of French people knew someone they could rely on in times of need?

Flickr: gpaumier

Ironically, tourists flocking to France to commiserate over their national disaster have made it the most popular tourist destination in the world, but the French psyche has clearly never recovered — the country now makes over 1,000 kinds of cheese, an obvious sign of severe mental anguish.

Jose Mujica, the cynical Uruguayan president who allowed this to happen, also donates 90% of his salary to people in need.

Flickr: 121483302@N02 / Creative Commons

Perhaps if Uruguay didn’t value education so cheaply that they GIVE IT AWAY FOR FREE, this could have been avoided, but the damage is already done.

New Zealand made same-sex marriage legal in 2013, 120 years after making the equally questionable decision to become the first country to give women the right to vote.

Flickr: dnlrx / Creative Commons

What have all those happily married same-sex couples and freely voting women done with their country? Not much, other than making it the second-least corrupt, and the fourth-safest country in the world.

This is probably why they could only manage a pathetic third place in the Corruption Perception Index last year. Apparently having the third-least corrupt government is "good enough" for Finland.

Flickr: visitlakeland / Creative Commons

To emphasize Finland's disastrous slide into depravity, they managed to come in at only fifth place in best overall education in the world last year, and are barely hanging onto their No. 1 spot in the world rankings of press freedom.

In May 2015, Ireland became the first country to legalize same-sex marriage by popular referendum.

Flickr: infomatique / Creative Commons

Proving that the people of Ireland, which ranks No. 1 overall according to the Good Country Index, and 10th in best places in the world to grow up, clearly have no idea what the hell they are doing...