July 4th, 1776: The day we — the bacon eatin', flag totin', gun wieldin' Americans — signed The Declaration of Independence. According to my calculations, that was many years ago. Wow. Time flies when you're posting unpleasant photos of fireworks on social media. More on that in two seconds.
In 2017, Fourth of July in America entails roasting shish-kebabs, puking on your patriotic swim trunks, obnoxiously funneling beers with the dude bros, getting DUIs somewhere in the woods upstate, and the downfall of us all: POSTING FIREWORK PHOTOS TO SOCIAL MEDIA.
This is a PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT!!! Do not—I repeat, do not—do this. These "pictures' below are a prime example.
Did Annie Leibovitz take this?
You're telling me that the wonder women of America can't show their nips on the 'gram, but something like this can bypass the publishing layer AND goes unreported by the trolls on the web?
Nice. Nice pic. Yeah. This is definitely the one. Reminder: This person consciously chose to upload this to their social media account. That is amazing.
You may be asking, "When is it OK to post photos of fireworks to social media?"
I'll tell ya, chap! When they look like this...
...or like this...
...or like THIS.
And guess what. If they don't look like THAT or THAT or THAT, then you definitely should refrain from posting firework photos! Because they're probably unworthy of anyone's time.
Instead, try uploading something more interesting. Here are some alternatives to an irredeemable firework photo:
1. Sexily pose with a beer can (doesn't have to be yours) in someone's rugged, dirty backyard. Extra points if they have an aboveground pool and your hair's a lil wet from takin' a dip in the pee water. Chlorine? Very American.
2. If you're barbecuing, post a lone shot of the grill. Just the grill. Even if you're not the one handling the spatulas or fine-tuning the peppers on the kebabs, who cares! Be mysterious and get creative.
3. Put on an American flag bathing suit and jump on one of those trampolines in the suburbs. Even better if it has a leg-sized hole going through it, is covered in leftover Fall leaves, and is riddled with dead ladybugs.
4. ***ONLY WORKS IF IT'S RAINING: Form a mudslide with your pals and do a Boomerang, smearing the mud all over your body. People love those, it's American, and they get tons of likes—win, win, win.
5. Take no photos and live in the moment. Just try it. The Founding Fathers would appreciate that.