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Does SpongeBob Squarepants Have A Penis? An Investigation

An extensive analysis into the pineapple under his sea.

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Part I: Pre-Investigation

It wasn't until 1996 when SpongeBob Squarepants blessed Mother Earth with his presence. Since his immaculate conception approximately 20 years ago, he has become, at least in my biased eyes, the world's most beloved animated character. 'Bob's wit, optimism, and relatable quirkiness caught on with the masses faster than you can say "MY LEG!"

Through years of tumult, Krabby Patty Secret Formula security breaches, Squidward's hellish manic episodes, and the ongoing confusion regarding Pearl's biological mother (a crab + [insert unknown animal here] = a nine-foot tall whale?), watchers regularly got the juiciest scoop on those closest to SpongeBob. Yet, to my dismay, much about the star himself remains a mystery.

Like, whether or not SpongeBob has a penis.

Part II: The Genesis

It was a casual Tuesday afternoon: The pigeons were chirping, the taxis were honking, and I was annoyed at existence. But around 4:16 p.m. EST, my day took a drastic turn. One of my nearest and dearest friends sent me a message that changed my worldview.

Facebook Messenger

As you can tell from my overexcited response, I found this quite humorous. How could I, the self-proclaimed biggest SpongeBob fan, never think about the pineapple under his sea?

Nickelodeon / Via giphy.com

Following this riveting, short-lived exchange with my friend, I spent the remainder of my afternoon anxiously wondering, DOES SPONGEBOB EVEN HAVE A PENIS?

(Pro-tip: It's best not to say this aloud. People do, in fact, think it's weird to launch an O.J. Simpson–style investigation into the imaginary penis of a fictional children's cartoon character.)
Nickelodeon

(Pro-tip: It's best not to say this aloud. People do, in fact, think it's weird to launch an O.J. Simpson–style investigation into the imaginary penis of a fictional children's cartoon character.)

I knew I had to take matters into my own hands.

Nickelodeon

Before embarking on my complex investigation, I utilized the infamous Twitter search bar to see if others were curious about SpongeBob's manhood as well.

Twitter

What I found on Twitter dot com may shock you.

Does spongebob have a penis I mean he has an ass sooooo

What goes up must come down. And what has an ass also must have a penis, apparently.

*dead silence* my friend: does spongebob have a penis?

Hi Taylor, I don't think I know you, but AM I YOUR FRIEND?

My investigation, summed up.

How does spongebob know he's a boy, does he have a penis or is it like a sponge attachment you get

A "sponge attachment."

does anyone on spongebob have a penis

*Aggressively taps imaginary watch* I only have time to look into SpongeBob's, sorry.

Does spongebob have a penis? I'm pretty sure that's the question of the century

The question of the century. Not the day, the month, or the year: the century. My work now feels essential, thanks to Natalie E.

It was deeply pleasing to find out that others were feeling inquisitive as well. I felt less unhinged, and comforted by the fact that I wasn't alone with this uneasy thought.

The human brain has me fucked up.
Buffer Blog / Via blog.bufferapp.com

The human brain has me fucked up.

Part III: The Investigation

Disclaimer: No sponges, starfish, Nosferatu, squirrels, whales, jellyfish, crabs, chattering spines in wheelchairs, shards of plankton, or pineapples were harmed in this investigation.

Pictured below are SpongeBob and Patrick, both basking in their nudity. (Doesn't it look like Sandy just caught them doing something risqué, perhaps, SEX?)

As you can glean from the portrait above, SpongeBob's below-the-belt region is nothingness. If you are unable to see, I circled where his junk should be. His penis, at least here, is nonexistent.
Nickelodeon

As you can glean from the portrait above, SpongeBob's below-the-belt region is nothingness. If you are unable to see, I circled where his junk should be. His penis, at least here, is nonexistent.

SpongeBob, tucked away inside of a jellyfish hive. He is hiding from a looney, net-wielding Patrick.

SpongeBob remains dick-less, and Patrick remains stupid.
Nickelodeon

SpongeBob remains dick-less, and Patrick remains stupid.

SpongeBob, living his best life as he marches nakedly through the jellyfish fields, with not a worry in his gleeful world.

Two twig-like legs, striped knee-high socks, a french fry as a nose, and absolutely no genitalia shown.
Nickelodeon

Two twig-like legs, striped knee-high socks, a french fry as a nose, and absolutely no genitalia shown.

I know what you're thinking: Wow, I am frazzled by SpongeBob's lack of meat popsicle.

As all professional investigators eventually do, I am about to blow your mind. You will question your reality.

Part IV: The Evidence

As I entered the darkest depths of my investigative journey, I came across photographic evidence disproving the notion that SpongeBob has no pecker.

Pictured: SpongeBob, half-clothed, answering the door. But would you do me a favor and look a little closer, specifically where the red arrow is pointing. Do I see, perhaps, something poking through?

Nickelodeon

Let's zoom in on that, shall we?

Techhive / Via techhive.com

BAM. Wa-pow. There it is. Your eyes are not deceiving you. Something is poking through Sponge's underpants.

Real eyes realize real lies, and these real eyes realize a gosh darn bulge.
Nickelodeon

Real eyes realize real lies, and these real eyes realize a gosh darn bulge.

Further inspection ensued.

Nickelodeon

In this image of 'Bob sitting on a bed, the mysterious bulbous object in his underpants is protruding a bit more. Perhaps he was excited over a recent clarinet solo performed by Squidward? Perhaps he's just packin' heat?

Nickelodeon

Where do we go from here, and what do we do with this paramount information and photographic evidence?

Nickelodeon / Via Giphy

HAMANA

Me, after reviewing the evidence:

Nickelodeon / Via Giphy

Part V: The Conclusion

As of now, this investigation remains wide open. I have not formed a concrete answer due to a lack of sufficient evidence. Yes, I've found some promiscuous bulge photos, but that does not prove the existence of SpongeBob's penis.

Now what?

Well, an executive from Nickelodeon remained silent on the matter, mostly because I never reached out for comment.

The next step is for you, the invested reader, to partake in the poll below. What do you think the truth is? Do he got a dick?

We'll probably never definitively know whether or not SpongeBob has a penis, and that is something we, as a nation, have to accept.

Regardless, I tried my best, and that's all a white-collar, skillful investigator can do.

***If you have any tips, leads, or feedback re: SpongeBob's coveted schlong, please contact me securely, either via email, smoke signal, or message in a bottle.***

  1. DOES SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS HAVE A PENIS?

    DOES SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS HAVE A PENIS?
    Correct
    Incorrect
    Yes, he has a penis, and you can see it poking through his underwear.
    Correct
    Incorrect
    No, he doesn't have a penis, but I respect how hard you worked on your investigation, and you should consider a career in the FBI.
    Correct
    Incorrect
    I'm not sure if he has a pineapple under his sea, and quite frankly, I don't care.
    Correct
    Incorrect
    Mrs. Puff, can I please be excused for the rest of my life?
Oops. Something went wrong. Please try again later
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DOES SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS HAVE A PENIS?
  1.  
    vote votes
    Yes, he has a penis, and you can see it poking through his underwear.
  2.  
    vote votes
    No, he doesn't have a penis, but I respect how hard you worked on your investigation, and you should consider a career in the FBI.
  3.  
    vote votes
    I'm not sure if he has a pineapple under his sea, and quite frankly, I don't care.
  4.  
    vote votes
    Mrs. Puff, can I please be excused for the rest of my life?

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