Part I: Pre-Investigation
It wasn't until 1996 when SpongeBob Squarepants blessed Mother Earth with his presence. Since his immaculate conception approximately 20 years ago, he has become, at least in my biased eyes, the world's most beloved animated character. 'Bob's wit, optimism, and relatable quirkiness caught on with the masses faster than you can say "MY LEG!"
Through years of tumult, Krabby Patty Secret Formula security breaches, Squidward's hellish manic episodes, and the ongoing confusion regarding Pearl's biological mother (a crab + [insert unknown animal here] = a nine-foot tall whale?), watchers regularly got the juiciest scoop on those closest to SpongeBob. Yet, to my dismay, much about the star himself remains a mystery.
Like, whether or not SpongeBob has a penis.
Part II: The Genesis
It was a casual Tuesday afternoon: The pigeons were chirping, the taxis were honking, and I was annoyed at existence. But around 4:16 p.m. EST, my day took a drastic turn. One of my nearest and dearest friends sent me a message that changed my worldview.
As you can tell from my overexcited response, I found this quite humorous. How could I, the self-proclaimed biggest SpongeBob fan, never think about the pineapple under his sea?
Following this riveting, short-lived exchange with my friend, I spent the remainder of my afternoon anxiously wondering, DOES SPONGEBOB EVEN HAVE A PENIS?
I knew I had to take matters into my own hands.
Before embarking on my complex investigation, I utilized the infamous Twitter search bar to see if others were curious about SpongeBob's manhood as well.
What I found on Twitter dot com may shock you.
It was deeply pleasing to find out that others were feeling inquisitive as well. I felt less unhinged, and comforted by the fact that I wasn't alone with this uneasy thought.
Part III: The Investigation
Disclaimer: No sponges, starfish, Nosferatu, squirrels, whales, jellyfish, crabs, chattering spines in wheelchairs, shards of plankton, or pineapples were harmed in this investigation.
Pictured below are SpongeBob and Patrick, both basking in their nudity. (Doesn't it look like Sandy just caught them doing something risqué, perhaps, SEX?)
SpongeBob, tucked away inside of a jellyfish hive. He is hiding from a looney, net-wielding Patrick.
SpongeBob, living his best life as he marches nakedly through the jellyfish fields, with not a worry in his gleeful world.
I know what you're thinking: Wow, I am frazzled by SpongeBob's lack of meat popsicle.
As all professional investigators eventually do, I am about to blow your mind. You will question your reality.
Part IV: The Evidence
As I entered the darkest depths of my investigative journey, I came across photographic evidence disproving the notion that SpongeBob has no pecker.
Pictured: SpongeBob, half-clothed, answering the door. But would you do me a favor and look a little closer, specifically where the red arrow is pointing. Do I see, perhaps, something poking through?
Let's zoom in on that, shall we?
BAM. Wa-pow. There it is. Your eyes are not deceiving you. Something is poking through Sponge's underpants.
Further inspection ensued.
In this image of 'Bob sitting on a bed, the mysterious bulbous object in his underpants is protruding a bit more. Perhaps he was excited over a recent clarinet solo performed by Squidward? Perhaps he's just packin' heat?
Where do we go from here, and what do we do with this paramount information and photographic evidence?
Me, after reviewing the evidence:
Part V: The Conclusion
As of now, this investigation remains wide open. I have not formed a concrete answer due to a lack of sufficient evidence. Yes, I've found some promiscuous bulge photos, but that does not prove the existence of SpongeBob's penis.
Well, an executive from Nickelodeon remained silent on the matter, mostly because I never reached out for comment.
The next step is for you, the invested reader, to partake in the poll below. What do you think the truth is? Do he got a dick?
We'll probably never definitively know whether or not SpongeBob has a penis, and that is something we, as a nation, have to accept.
Regardless, I tried my best, and that's all a white-collar, skillful investigator can do.
***If you have any tips, leads, or feedback re: SpongeBob's coveted schlong, please contact me securely, either via email, smoke signal, or message in a bottle.***
Yes, he has a penis, and you can see it poking through his underwear.No, he doesn't have a penis, but I respect how hard you worked on your investigation, and you should consider a career in the FBI.I'm not sure if he has a pineapple under his sea, and quite frankly, I don't care.Mrs. Puff, can I please be excused for the rest of my life?
vote votesYes, he has a penis, and you can see it poking through his underwear.
vote votesNo, he doesn't have a penis, but I respect how hard you worked on your investigation, and you should consider a career in the FBI.
vote votesI'm not sure if he has a pineapple under his sea, and quite frankly, I don't care.
vote votesMrs. Puff, can I please be excused for the rest of my life?