1.
I don’t always pick out the wrong item when my wife sends me to the store but when I do I buy it in the mega-pack.
2.
Me: My wife: Me: Wife: Me: Wife: Me: Wife: Me: (stands up) Wife: While you’re up....
3.
My wife and I share an Amazon account. This came up as a recommended purchase. Now accusations are flying back and forth about who searched for what. I'm not sure if we can survive this.
4.
"I don't want popcorn" - My wife, who's about to eat half my popcorn during this movie
5.
Marriage teaches you when your wife asks you which shoes look better, simply picking one won't do, you must present at least two concise, legitimate reasons.
6.
Guys, if you're ever feeling like your wife couldn't possibly live without you, remember that Target sells body pillows, coffee, batteries and in some states, wine. #marriedlife
7.
Before I got married I didn't even know there was a wrong way to put the milk back in the fridge
8.
Mornings when my wife can sleep in: Me: [tiptoeing around, whispering to kids, wearing only socks until I leave the house] Mornings when I can sleep in: Wife: DOES ANYONE ELSE WANT A SMOOTHIE [sound of blender]
9.
Marriage is mostly about knowing which hand towels you can use and which ones are for the better people who visit your wife's home.
10.
I’ve agreed so much with my wife that my head just starts nodding at the sound of her voice.
11.
Just regaled my wife with a story about a grocery coupon that should have worked but didn’t but then the guy got it to work after all. Don’t tell me the spark is gone.
12.
Wife: *gets back from the butcher shop* They said this is the hottest sausage I'll ever have. Me: Actually- Wife: NO.
13.
When my wife pisses me off, I get on her Pinterest and pin lots of mediocre shit, like cupcakes that just look like cupcakes.
14.
Not praising your mom-in-law's cooking means u don't care for wife's relatives Praising it means you don't like wife's cooking #HusbandLife
15.
wife: I want you- me: [takes off clothes] wife: -to do the laundry me: [puts them in washer]
16.
Marriage is just texting each other "Do we need anything from the grocery store?" a bunch of times until one of you dies.
17.
Before I got married I never understood why dad would go work on his car when it was 12 degrees outside
18.
It’s my wife’s birthday so she gets to pick the restaurant, unlike all those other times when... wait for it... she gets to pick the restaurant.
19.
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
20.
Being married grants you one superpower and that’s the ability to tell what couples just had a fight in the car right before a party
21.
My wife’s binge watching Snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance and haven't slept or eaten in days.
22.
My wife probably tells me that I never listen to her.
23.
Marriage is being privy to someone else’s bowel movements forever. Love is genuinely hoping they go smoothly.