Skip To Content

    Parents Are Sharing The Things They Can't Believe They've Said To Their Toddlers, And I'm Weeeeak

    "We don't put stuff in our butt β€” it's not a pocket."

    Anyone who has β€” or had β€” a toddler knows that sometimes they cause you to have to say some very, very strange things.

    E! Entertainment Television

    Well, Reddit user landreasen asked parents to share the thing they've said to their toddler that made them think, 'I can't believe I'm saying this,' and yes, parenting toddlers is this hilariously weird:

    1. "We don’t put stuff in our butt β€” it’s not a pocket."



    2. "Wrapping your penis around drawer knobs is not how you open drawers."


    3. "We were counting down the time on the microwave until her chicken nuggets were done. Well, our microwave goes, '3...2...1...END.' The worst tantrum today was that she wanted it to count down to zero but there is no zero. I had to explain, 'No, I can't make the microwave be zero, sweetie.'"


    4. "Today I said, 'We do not shove chicken legs in our crotch.'"


    5. "We have an almost daily conversation about how it's not nice to color the cat."


    6. "No, you can't take the lettuce to bed with you."

    "He was 4 at the time, and the head of lettuce was his new best friend."


    7. "Yes, I know they're very pretty, but your panties have to go inside your pants."

    Warner Bros.

    "She didn't understand what the point of having underwear with her favorite cartoon characters on them was if she couldn't show them off to people. We were getting ready for church, by the way."


    8. "No, cats' claws are not called a 'foot fork.'"


    9. "My nephew had a bunch of those little McDonald's toys that you can clip onto backpacks. Well, I had to say, 'Hey bud, how about we find another name for those? Something other than "hooker toys?'"


    10. "Stop drinking your bath water."



    11. "We are doing naked potty training, and I've lost count of the number of things my son has tried to smoosh into his foreskin β€” M&M's? Check. Lego head? Check. Grape? Check. So my vote is for, 'YOU CANNOT PUT THAT IN YOUR PENIS!'"


    12. "My son constantly asks to take the ranch dressing to the bathroom with him. Sometimes we say, 'Yes.'"


    13. "No, kitty does not want to smell your fart! Get your butthole out of her face!"



    14. "No more knock-knock jokes until you're wearing underwear."


    15. "I was giving my identical 18-month-old twin sons a bath when I had to say, 'Leave your brother's pecker alone β€” yours is exactly the same, so play with that one if you must.'"


    16. "Stop hitting the wall with your head and yelling 'BOOM!'"



    17. "I had to explain to my 2-year-old today that no, we don't just wash one hand after using the bathroom. My kid started crying, of course, and responded, 'But this one's not dirty!'"


    18. "Get that tampon out of your mouth!"


    19. "I've had to explain why it isn't nice to lick people...or the dog."


    20. "I once had to ask, 'Is that mustard in your ear?'"


    21. "I heard my neighbor exclaim, 'Don't stick your finger in the dog poop!' I hope they were talking to their toddler and not their teenager."



    What about you? Have you ever had to say something hilariously weird to your kid? Tell us about it in the comments section, and you could be featured in an upcoming BuzzFeed Community post!

    Want awesome parenting tips in your inbox twice a week? Sign up for the BuzzFeed Parents newsletter!

    Newsletter signup form