We rounded up some of the funniest recent Dad tweets we could find, and they definitely nail the hilarious truth about parenthood:
1.
Parenting is really just a delicate balance of alternating "no, maybe later" responses with "no, it's too late now" responses until the kid grows up and moves out.
2.
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also she is only 12 when we buy movie tickets.
3.
Things that made my toddler cry this week: - I wouldn't let the dog drive him to daycare - the bath was "too wet" - he wanted syrup for breakfast...just syrup - his sister "keeps looking at him" - he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob) How about your kid?
4.
If it ain’t broke, you probably don’t have kids.
5.
Me to my kids: “Not everything’s a competition” Also me to my kids: - First one to finish dinner wins! - First one upstairs wins! - First one in the car wins!
6.
Me: Are we ready for the kids' first day of school tomorrow? Wife: *pulls out celebratory champagne* We're ready.
7.
[Ordering in the drive thru] Can you make the kids meals the same, please? Please, exactly the same. I mean Exactly. The. Same. They WILL count the fries.
8.
I told my son if he finishes his plum and hard boiled egg I gave him for breakfast, he can have a cookie. We don’t have any cookies. I’m playing a dangerous game.
9.
The biggest marketing lie to parents is “fun for the whole family.”
10.
My daughter has been home from school for 4 hours and she has spoken 13,000 words in that time.
11.
I wish I could use the same excuses to call into work that my kid uses to get out of bed at night. Like, “Sorry, I can’t come in today there are too many stuffed animals in my bed.”
12.
Me: If you’re hungry, eat now. Bedtime is in 20 minutes. My kid: I’m full. I ate so much. Me: *20 minutes later* Time for bed! My kid: But I’m starving! You never feed us! Did you even make us dinner?
13.
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, "I'll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life." Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
14.
My youngest has recently started saying, "I'm pooping!" to get out of doing things. And I'm so jealous he has already figured out how to be an adult quicker than I ever did.
15.
[dropping off kids at school] Me: Learn lots. 7-year-old: But I did that yesterday.
16.
At 5:45 this morning, I had a pair of three-year-olds screaming "Daddy, do you like boxes?" about 4 inches from my sleeping face. Needless to say, I don't have much use for alarm clocks.
17.
1) Remove straw wrapper 2) Discard wrapper on floor or table 3) Drink 1/2 of contents 4) Leave carton wherever - if kids wrote juice box instructions
18.
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
19.
Once you can send your kids to play in the other room without worrying about them dying, the second part of your life begins.
20.
Based upon the animal orgy going on, I think I might have to cut back on nature documentaries for the kids:
21.
3-year-old: Can you get me a snack? Me: I just got you one. 3: It made me hungry for more snacks. The struggle is real.
22.
My 3rd grader wants to be something really scary for Halloween so we are going to dress her up as this note from her music teacher that recorders will be coming home this week.
23.
There’s been a lot of rumors going around that I don’t like my kid which is ridiculous. I think my kid is amazing. All I’m saying is that if you don’t...I totally get it.