Anyone who is married will tell you it comes with the good, the bad, and the seriously funny:
Well, we rounded up some of the funniest recent marriage tweets we could find, and these husbands and wives nail it like no other:
1.
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
2.
My wife likes to keep the mystery in our relationship. For example, I never know what is going to arrive for her from Amazon today.
3.
Marrying someone is easy. Staying married after going to IKEA on a Saturday with an empty stomach, is not.
4.
Me: you’re mad at me? Wife: no, not even sure why you would say that. Me: I can tell by the sound of you putting the plates away. Wife: fuck you and fuck those plates. Me: there it is.
5.
Husband: *bleeding* Me: *calling 911* Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
6.
Wife: What movie do you want to watch tonight? Me: Whatever will keep you awake past the opening credits. Wife: That movie doesn't exist.
7.
There is no way to place my wife’s coffee order at Starbucks without feeling like I need to apologize afterwards.
8.
I ask my husband what show he wants to watch even though I’m going to choose because it’s important for him to feel like his opinion matters even though it really doesn’t.
9.
Toddler: *tantrum* Husband: *gives her chocolate* Me: How did you know? Husband: [later] Me: What the fuck I am so done with today I feel like shit I hate the kids... Husband: *gives me chocolate* Me: Oh
10.
Why isn’t porn more realistic? Like why isn’t there one with a husband and wife and the wife chokes violently on her spit and the husband gets alarmed they spend a good 5 mins with her coughing and him smacking her on the back and then the mood is gone so they go get donuts?
11.
-commercial break- Husband: *silent* -fight scene- Husband: *completely and utterly silent* -quiet dialogue scene- Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
12.
Traveling with your husband is fun because no matter where you go you’ll still end up in a Wal-Mart buying the one thing he was entrusted to pack.
13.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
14.
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink. Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
15.
My wife told me that to revive the spark in our marriage I should start treating her like I did when we first started dating so last night I took her to a movie and dropped her off at her parents house
16.
Dating: wake him with a blow job First married: wake him with a kiss Married 10 years: wake him with a fart
17.
My wife and I have an agreement: I get to hold the remote and she gets to make every other decision in our lives.
18.
Tell me how tired you are so I can upstage you and tell you how much more tired I am. -marriage
19.
Her: My husband and I had sex all night last night. It was beyond amazing. Me: Well my husband took out the garbage, recycling, AND the green bin all at the same time so Her: Me: And my washer and dryer are empty
20.
Rage vacuuming is like regular vacuuming except you’re married.
21.
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry. I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow... he's really making an effort. I ate it. Turns out it wasn't for me 🤣