Married People Are Confessing The Things They Didn't Know About Their Spouses Until After Tying The Knot, And It's So Entertaining
"I found out that my wife can have an orgasm just by thinking about it!"
1. "I found out my husband knew women had periods, but he had no idea periods involved blood. He thought it was just abdominal cramping or something. We didn't figure this out until after we were married, when we got a new dresser and I threw all the underwear together in the same drawer. He saw my bloodstained period panties and started crying. He thought I was dying and had been hiding it from him! So I had to explain to my 28-year-old husband what exactly a period is!"
2. "I didn't realize until after we lived together that my wife can't keep the bathroom floor dry. When she showers, I feel like she points the shower head at the ground outside the shower. When she gets out, I imagine her shaking her body off in canine fashion, and when she washes her face at the sink, I imagine her saying, 'One handful of water for me, one handful for you!' to the floor!"
4. "After being together for 15 years and married for seven years, we were watching TV the other day when someone started speaking German, and — without subtitles — my husband translated it, like it's no big thing! I was like, 'Who ARE you?!' Apparently, he has watched so many war movies that he speaks conversational German!"
5. "That my wife had been married six other times. She said, 'Only two of them counted because they lasted more than a year.'"
6. "I learned that my husband didn't know that the Northern and Southern Hemispheres experienced opposite seasons."
7. "That my wife takes soup can-sized dumps. Not kidding. She is 5-foot-2 and 90 pounds, but the girth of her poop clogs the toilet, and I always have to unclog it. And I have a horrible gag reflex!"
8. "My wife and I both discovered that apparently I have a birthmark on my ass that looks just like a shit smear. I didn't know that until two weeks into the marriage when she said, 'I saw it when we first started dating, and I really did think it was poo. It took me three or four times of seeing it to realize it was a birthmark. See, I'll always love you!'"
"I just talked to my dad who admitted he has the same birthmark, so I guess it's in our bloodline to have shit permanently smeared on our asses."
9. "He has a watermelon problem — as in, he will sit down and eat an ENTIRE FUCKING 12-pound watermelon. Then he gets very ill, spends half the day peeing, writhing, and complaining about his awful stomachache before going back to scavenging the rind for any watermelon bits he missed! I have to supervise him when we go shopping so he only buys the mini watermelons because if I leave him alone, he'll buy the biggest one he can find! I mean, watermelons are delicious but dear God!"
10. "I met my husband on OK Cupid, and I found out right before we got married — after dating for five years and living together for three years — that the profile picture he posted on the site was staged. It was actually him using a camera timer in his room alone while holding a beer and talking to no one! I don't know what cracks me up more — that I couldn't tell or that he kept that a secret for so long!"
11. "My cousin didn't tell her husband until they'd been married for three years that she changed her last name to his 10 days after they met. She said looking back on it, she realized it was wild. But she figured she'd met 'the one,' so she went ahead and took his last name. I couldn't stop laughing when she told me!"
13. "When we were dating, my husband always told me this story about how he used to race dirt bikes, and that once he wrecked one so badly he had to have surgery to reconstruct his nose! I'd always wondered why he looked so different in his younger pictures. Anyway, it wasn't until we'd been married several years that his mother heard me mentioning that story, and she had no idea what I was talking about! Turns out, he never wrecked a dirt bike — his nose looked different because he was self-conscious about his large Italian nose, so she saved up her money to buy him a nose job!"
14. "That she doesn't close any doors! If she's getting a glass for a drink, the door stays open. Getting silverware? The drawer stays open. Taking a shit? The door stays open!"
15. "After getting engaged, his father brought us to a meeting to explain to me that my now-husband is the 23rd generation firstborn son since the beginning of the family, insinuating that I would be fucked if I didn't give birth to a boy. We have a daughter."
16. "That he knew how to ballroom dance and took a cake decorating course for an art credit. I learned these two things during the same night, when I couldn't decorate cupcakes and he took over. Later at the event, he grabbed me and waltzed perfectly!"
17. "After about 15 years as a couple, seven years of marriage, and one child together, I accidentally found out that my husband is a huge Star Trek fan. I walked into our bedroom one day, and he quickly changed the channel, so naturally I asked what he was watching. He reluctantly confessed, and was obviously very embarrassed to have to tell me that he watches Star Trek all the time when he is alone."
18. "I found out that my husband has some kind of crazy allergic mutation that makes lemons like sulfuric acid on his tongue. His tongue literally gets burned if he eats them! He didn't even know that was unusual until after we got married. My fav dessert is lemon bars and he thought I just liked burning my own face off!"
"He would still make and eat lemon bars with me every year for my birthday until we found out. Then he got 'lemonbanned.'"