1.
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their "updated" list which includes nothing you bought.
2.
The evolution of every mom in December: Dec 1: Deck the halls! Dec 4: did decorating always suck balls? Dec 8-17: SANTA IS WATCHING! Dec 18: Dec 19: CHRISTMAS IS CANCELLED!! Dec 20: *googles all-inclusive adult only resorts* Dec 24-25: THE BEST Christmas yet
3.
I’m starting to wonder if it’s time to do away with the collective idea that Santa drives a sleigh guided by flying reindeer, and just tell my kids the truth: Santa drives a UPS or FedEx truck, and he is guided by people shopping Prime in their underwear.
4.
Kids: Mom, we need toothpaste! Me: Cool, you can add it to your Christmas lists. Me, every time my kids ask for anything in the month of December.
5.
If you’re looking for Christmas gift ideas for my child, they wear a size “sleepover at Grandma’s house.”
6.
Sorry kids but Santa said you can only ask for toys that are Amazon Prime eligible.
7.
If you're stuck on what to get your kids for Christmas this year, my kids just spent the better part of the evening entertaining themselves with an empty Doritos bag. Empty. Doritos. Bag.
8.
5-year-old: The elf on the shelf never comes here. Me: Our house is too messy. He'll come if we clean. 5: Not worth it.
9.
5yo: What does Santa bring if I'm bad? Me: I hear it's coal. 5yo: Is it true you can make diamonds out of coal? Me: Possibly. 5yo: I'm gonna be pretty bad.
10.
My teenager asked for a $400 gaming system for Christmas, so guess who's waking up Christmas morning with a stocking full of job applications?
11.
I don't do Elf on the Shelf because if I want someone to sit in silent judgement of my family with a fake smile on their face, I'll just invite my mother over.
12.
Drove our kids around town to look at Christmas lights but they brought an iPad so they could watch a different kid drive around his town looking at lights.
13.
[Mariah Carey’s “All I Want For Christmas Is You” comes on] 6: Ugh, I hate this song! Me: Why? 6: Because she says “I don’t care about the presents”, and that’s ridiculous.
14.
Bought some nice holiday chocolates for my kids’ teachers today. I tasted one to make sure they were good and long story short I have to go back to the store and buy more chocolates
15.
My son announced a plan to "trap" Santa that involves cookies and wine and I was like not gonna lie that shit will absolutely work
16.
The children were nestled all snug in their beds until they had to pee get a drink show me they can whistle and ask me if birds have teeth.
17.
Truthfully, these cookies were made partly with love and mostly with expletives.
18.
Sorry I’m late. I just found out my kids have 3 weeks off of school for winter break and spent 20 minutes slamming my head into the wall.
19.
Pretty humbling when your 5yo is pretending to be Santa Claus and you overhear him tell his stuffed reindeer, "I might be fat, but I am not as fat as my dad."
20.
Today we participated in our time honored tradition of putting up the Xmas tree – with mugs of hot cocoa & Feliz Navidad playing in the background while I screamed “Are ALL the fucking lights broken & OMG not like that, just let me do it!”
21.
7-year-old: I wish I could see Santa’s naughty kid list. Me: To see if you’re on it? 7-year-old: To see who I could have the most fun with.
22.
Think you are chill and laid back? Watch your kid build and decorate a gingerbread house without intervening.
23.
7-year-old: Santa doesn't really know when we're naughty. Me: Are you sure? 7: Yeah. He gave us presents last year.