1.
If you've been married for any length of time, you've thought about grocery shopping during sex. Don't front.
2.
If you enjoy answering questions like, “Do we have orange juice?” while your husband is literally standing right in front of an unopened refrigerator, then being a wife might be right for you.
3.
Me to my husband: Why don't you ever buy me flowers? Me to myself when I see a dude buying flowers: What'd this motherfucker do?
4.
Before you marry someone, sit next to them on the couch and try to watch your favorite show while they eat a bowl of cereal. If you still want to marry that slurping animal, congratulations- you have found your person.
5.
Me: are you ready? Husband: yes Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car- Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
6.
First year married: I want to spend every moment with you All other years: maybe you could move into your own house
7.
After many heart to heart talks my husband and I have decided at this stage of our marriage to go ahead and get separate tubes of toothpaste.
8.
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
9.
Husband got excited thinking I was touching myself under the covers but I was actually just opening a Kit Kat I didn't wanna share.
10.
My husband is off to the grocery store so I can stay home and day drink. That is the definition of true love.
11.
"Oh, and another thing......." Wives 10 years after a fight ended
12.
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
13.
Establish dominance in your household by staring at your husband while you unplug his phone from the charger and plug in your own.
14.
#MarriageIs the insurance that someone will be there to criticize everything you do once your parents are out of the picture.
15.
*watching husband sleep* Me: "I just love him so much, he's my everyth-" *husband snores* Me: "I can't live like this."
16.
*walking into store* Him: You need a cart? Me: No, I'm just getting 2 things. Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart* Marriage level: Expert
17.
Still waiting for my husband to apologize for what he did in my dream last night.
18.
Sorry. I was late because I had to find all the things that were in plain sight for my husband.
19.
Tell me how tired you are so I can upstage you and tell you how much more tired I am. -marriage
20.
I hope my husband likes his Father's Day present and also the twelve things I bought for myself while shopping for it.
21.
I read that 50% of all marriages end in divorce and all I could think was, "Lucky bastards."