1.
Marriage is 50% your wife being upset that you don't do enough chores and 50% of her yelling at you for ruining her shirt by doing the laundry.
2.
My husband just got back from the gym and took a nap on the freshly washed sheets and he could have just told me he wanted a divorce
3.
Wife: You're doing it wrong. Me: What? Wife: *motions vaguely in the direction of my entire life*
4.
My husband arguing with me about how much I like to argue is the spark that keeps this marriage alive.
5.
I have a cold and it’s pretty bad but my wife has a husband with a cold and apparently that’s way worse.
6.
Instead of asking my husband to do something, I just casually mention 300 times that it needs to be done and hope he picks up what I’m laying down. And so far, this strategy has been wildly unsuccessful.
7.
My husband surprised me with a night out to celebrate the anniversary of our first date. I was reminded of the man I fell in love with. We arrived at the theater and learned the movie was playing at a different location a full hour earlier. I was reminded of the man I married.
8.
A marriage is like a car in the sense that I have no idea what to do when it breaks down.
9.
What I say to my husband: “Let’s cuddle on the couch and watch something.” What he hears: “Let’s have sex in like 15 minutes.”
10.
I've been married for over 16 years, I barely can remember what that thing I like is.
11.
Thank you for loading the dishwasher but you did it wrong ~ a love letter to my husband
12.
Me: I think I’m getting sick. Wife: Hold on, I have something for that. Me: Okay. Wife: [starts smothering me with a pillow]
13.
My husband came home from being gone for 6 days, walked through the door & went straight to the dog. And that’s what it’s like to be married for 20 years.
14.
Wife: Can you do something for me? Me: Sure. Wife: Can you do it without complaining? Me: I'll get someone else.
15.
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
16.
Anyone ever put your spouse on speakerphone cuz you’re so mad that you don’t want to be “near them”?
17.
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
18.
Me: Do you want to watch this show with me? Husband: No thanks. You go ahead. *6 episodes later* Husband: So who's that guy? Why's he doing that? Wasn't he doing that other thing before? Hey, where are you going?
19.
"No means no," I remind my wife, as she eyes the pimple on my shoulder.
20.
Me: Oh baby I’ve been thinking about you all day Hubs: Huh Me: Nothing Hubs: Are you talking dirty to the bed Me: Maybe
21.
The key to a happy marriage is understanding each other's love languages. My language is words of affirmation. My wife's is doughnuts.