1. Just Kiss me:
"I went on a date with a guy who drummed in a Kiss tribute band. The first thing he did was give me drugstore perfume, a shirt with a picture of his band on it, and some business cards, 'in case my friends want his band to play.' Then literally everything he talked about was Kiss: how he liked Daft Punk because they protect their anonymity with helmets like Kiss did; how his Facebook page isn't his actual name, it's his Kiss name, so he can keep it ~authentic~...yeah. No second date."
—Erica Sloan, Facebook
2. The god of poops:
"I planned an OKCupid date with this guy, but he didn't show up until hours after we'd originally said we'd meet. We ate and went to my house, and he turned on my PS4 to play God of War by himself, demanding I rub his back while he played. Then he went to my bathroom and after 15 minutes, I heard loud-ass poop sounds. This continued for 45 minutes until finally he came out like nothing happened. I said I was getting tired, hoping he'd leave, but he suggested we take a nap. I just lay there while he fell dead asleep."
3. The corruptive cat:
"I was getting back into dating when I agreed to get coffee with this guy. He told me 15 minutes in that he'd broken up with his ex because she asked to sleep without his cats in bed. He said, 'I told her the cats were there first, so she should go.' Then he invited me to his apartment for dinner and told me — very seriously — that his cat would let him know if he could date me or not. I had my sister text me that she needed me for something ASAP."
4. The public masturbator:
"I met this guy from online to go for a walk. We stopped to admire the scenery, and out of nowhere he started LICKING MY FACE. I just froze. We continued walking — why didn't I run away, you ask? I was young and stupid — and it happened again! We finally came to a bench and I sat on the opposite side in fear that I was going to be licked again. As I thought of an escape plan, I heard a strange noise. He was full-on masturbating. In a public park. I don't think I've ever run as fast as I did that day."
—Ashley Conrad, Facebook
5. The bogus brunch:
"We were supposed to go to brunch, but when he came to pick me up, he said we were going to church. I'm not a religious person, but he guaranteed that we'd get food after. I'd done the church-after-a-sleepover as a kid, so I thought, hey, no big deal. Well at church he introduced me to his whole family as his girlfriend — I mean parents, cousins, even grandparents. He kept asking if I wanted to make out throughout the service. Finally, when it was over, he took me to 'brunch': stale doughnuts served for the youth group."
6. The word-vomit:
"The guy who asked me out worked at a garage but he didn't bother to shower before our date, so he showed up covered in grease. The whole night was awful, but I eventually gave up after he said, 'You ever hang out in hospitals? I like to. Maybe just because I'm turned on by blood.' I cannot make this shit up."
7. The butt-B-Q:
"I met a guy on Tinder and went to his house for a barbecue at his house. He proceeded to get high and then streaked around his backyard. I went home and never spoke to him again."
8. Fruit soup:
"I went on a Tinder date at a coffee shop. He originally said he worked on Wall Street, but was actually a 'work-from-home consultant,' which I learned meant he was unemployed. Then he went on about how he was addicted to artificial sweeteners and ordered them online all the time. He also said he likes to cook, so I asked him what he makes and he said, 'Anything I can use sweeteners in, like fruit soup.' What the hell is fruit soup?! The guy sitting next to us was laughing so hard his back was shaking."
9. The doo-doo dinner:
"We were walking around, looking for a place to eat. While we perused the menu at an Indian restaurant, some winged beast flew overhead and took the most massive dump on me. There was bird poo in my hair, all over my face, and down the front of my body. As I stood there, shocked and embarrassed, I turned to see my date nearly having a stroke to hold his laughter in. Things didn't work out."
10. 50 Shades of Hey, this is awkward:
"A pastor at my church asked me on a date. He and I have always gotten along and he seemed cool, so I figured, why not? We met up at a nice restaurant and the evening was going so well when he told me that he'd bought us tickets to see a movie — 50 Shades of Grey. I don't think it would have been THAT awkward if it weren't for his intense hand-squeezing during the sex scenes of the film."
11. The chauffeur:
"He invited me to his house where he was supposed to cook me dinner. When I arrived, he asked for a ride to Ikea because he'd just sold his dining room table on Craigslist and needed another. I found out then that he didn't have a car. So I drove him, and when we got back to his place, I watched TV with his roommate's girlfriend while he made dinner. Afterward, he asked if I wanted to stay the night because he had a job interview in the morning that he needed a ride to. I hightailed it out of there. I have no idea why I stayed as long as I did."
12. The South Park shitshow:
"A guy from high school contacted me my junior year of college, so we talked for a few weeks while we waited to meet in-person over break. He picked me up and took me to the house he was renting with some other guys, and we went directly to his room where he had a card table set up in front of his TV. He turned on South Park and brought in burnt, flaky grilled cheese sandwiches and a bag of tortilla chips, and we had the worst conversation. Then we sat on his bed and he repeatedly kept trying to touch my butt. I only lasted two episodes before I told him to take me home."
13. The series of unfortunate events:
"He took me bowling. During my turn I heard him snickering behind me, saying, 'I'm definitely an ass man.' Afterward, we went to his apartment where he gave me a wilted rose and told me his date last week didn't want it. Then we sat down to watch a movie and he leaned in close, saying, 'hold me,' in a baby voice. I shot up off the couch and said I needed to go and he had to drive me home. I flew out of the apartment, forgetting that there were stairs. I fell hard, twisted my ankle, and landed on my pager (this was a loooong time ago). Then I had to walk to his car acting like I wasn't hurt so he'd keep his hands off me."
14. The puke partner:
"The whole night he kept explaining that he wouldn't see Avatar because it was about 'white guilt.' Then, after he mentioned knocking me up at least three times, I feigned a bad headache — but he wouldn't let me go home. Finally, I faked throwing up in the bathroom. He tried to get me to come to the hotel he was staying at anyway, but I was insistent about leaving. We were supposed to hang out the next day, and I couldn't. It was too much. He then sent me a bill for his gas, hotel room, and dinner."
15. The theater tragedy:
"In college, I met a girl who asked me out. My friends all told me she was a bit strange, but she seemed nice. We went to the cinema and while waiting in line she turned to me and asked if I heard the man next to us whispering her name. I was confused as hell. Then while we watched the movie, she told me she'd seen the movie, and then gave spoilers — all of which were wrong. WTF?"
16. The Myspace mishap:
"I met a guy on Myspace and he lived seven hours away in Georgia, so I drove out to meet him. He wanted to take me to his favorite restaurant, which turned out to be Hooters. After dinner, we went to a sports store where he bought a 3-foot bulldog statue. On the way back, he told me he needed to make a stop...at the cemetery, so he could put his new statue on his dad's grave. Still convinced he could be my soulmate, I patted his back while he cried, asking how his father passed away. He replied, 'We went huntin'. And I couldn't see over the bushes, and shot my gun and missed the deer.' The worst part of this whole story? He didn't call ME back."
17. And the dinner disaster:
"We went for dinner at an average restaurant. He ordered a shot with our appetizers — okay. Several drinks later, he started talking about his ex-wife and what a 'bitch' she was. As the evening went on with the subject of conversation never changing, he got more drunk until finally he confessed to me that he tried to hire someone to kill his ex-wife. They had it all planned out, but he ended up not having enough money to pay for it."
—Tonya Welch, Facebook
Note: Submissions have been edited for length and/or clarity.