Is It Just Me, Or Are Potatoes Kind Of Terrible?

Maybe you, your mouth, and your stomach have been lied to.

This is a potato. Simple. Versatile. Beloved by many. There can't be anything wrong with this freckly, squishy blob, right?

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WRONG.

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I am here to tell you that potatoes are nothing more than a lie. A sham. A hoax. I mean, think about it. What is there really to love about potatoes? Let's examine some of the popular ways they're prepared...

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Boil 'em, mash 'em, and stick 'em in some poo where they belong.

1. The Baked Potato

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People seem to like it because of the butter, bacon, and whatever else you decide to slap on it. But wouldn't you be so much happier with a sandwich? Make yourself a B.L.T. and move on.

2. Mashed Potatoes

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Mashed potatoes are nothing more than mush soaked in things that are actually delicious. Don't insult gravy and herbs like this. Drizzle that grease on some meat and biscuits where it belongs, and never look back.

3. Tater Tots

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OK, tots are actually pretty good, but that isn't to the potato's credit. If something isn't tasty after being deep-fried, we probably shouldn't be trying to eat it in any state.

4. Potato Soup

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Soup is so versatile. It's like the little black dress of the culinary world — you can spice it up, play it down, keep it simple, or even dress it all fancy with a whole bunch of other tasty stuff. So why on EARTH, with all these options, would you consume a bland-ass soup with condensed milk and potatoes in it? No.

5. Fries

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If you think about it, really think about it, are fries that good? Are they anything more than edible spoons transferring salt and ketchup to our hungry mouths? Imagine what an unsalted fry tastes like when it's cold. Sad. Clammy. Meaningless. THAT is a French fry's true essence, and unsurprisingly, also a potato's.

6. Potato Salad

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Unless you know what you're doing, like REALLY know what you're doing, potato salad just shouldn't be touched. If the potato salad looks like unseasoned clumps of starch and mayonnaise, then it is. Beware.

7. Boiled Potatoes

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There are actually no words for this, besides WHY.

My personal verdict: Potatoes simply take up space. They have no flavor. They're just a more substantial version of styrofoam used as a vehicle for much greater things.

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Life is too short to take roundabout approaches to food. Be kind to yourself. Avoid potatoes.