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I Haven't Listened To Adele's New Album, But I'm Pretty Sure This Is What It's About

Apparently it makes people cry?

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1. "Hello"

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I'm assuming that, because it's the first song, this is an overture of some type introducing us to Adele's album. "Hello. I am here, and these are my songs." I appreciate how straightforward she is. Hello to you, too, Adele.

2. "Send My Love (To Your New Lover)"

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So I'm just spitballing here, but based on the title, this is probably about Adele and her pet monkey trying to steal bread from a street vendor? She somehow manages to sing this while guards chase her throughout her entire city. Also, because she's Adele and has such a big heart, she ends up giving her bread to two very hungry children.

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3. "I Miss You"

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I bet this one is a real gut-wrencher. Adele sees this girl in the marketplace and she's just smitten. She takes her back to her place, and after realizing they're just from entirely different worlds, resigns herself to them never being together. She misses her even when she's with her because their relationship is doomed from the start.

4. "When We Were Young"

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This song will certainly get the heart racing. Adele is sent into the Cave of Wonders by this bad dude who wants her to grab a magic lamp for obviously nefarious purposes. Her pet monkey really screws things up while she's in there, so she barely escapes with her life. Everything works out though because that lamp? It has a magic genie whom she tricks into getting her out of the cave.

5. "Remedy"

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I'm guessing this one is a fun little number about the genie Adele just released from the lamp. The genie grants Adele three wishes, and she uses the first one to become royalty so she can win over the heart of the princess she saw earlier. For some reason this requires the genie to turn Adele's pet monkey into an elephant.

6. "Water Under the Bridge"

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It turns out the princess isn't really into this fancy get-up Adele has donned to win her over. Regardless, Adele's got moxie and she uses that to convince the princess to join her on the really cool carpet she found in the Cave of Wonders. The princess obliges because carpets are cool. Alternate title for this song: "Do You Trust Me?"

7. "River Lea"

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According to the interwebs, the River Lea is a river in England. I'm assuming this album doesn't take place in England, so Adele and her princess must reach it by air. The carpet they're chilling on must fly or something. Adele obviously travels there with the princess and tries to show her some other things along the way.

8. "Love in the Dark"

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This is clearly a continuation of the earlier song. They're already up in the sky so they're like, let's just go for it. Let's just see the entire world, even though it's dark out and we can't actually see anything. They're up there a long time so they eventually fall in love.

9. "Million Years Ago"

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OK, so Adele is clearly still showing this princess the entire world. It just keeps going. Apparently the world is a much bigger place than we thought. I feel like this subplot started a million years ago, so this song is aptly named. I'm also guessing this is the song people will remember most from this album. There's probably a reprise of it that plays over the credits of one of her music videos.

10. "All I Ask"

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Hmm, hmm, hmm, this one is a stumper. I'm assuming that bad guy who forced Adele to go into the Cave of Wonders has been secretly plotting to take over the princess's kingdom? He definitely hypnotized the princess's father with his terrifying cobra staff. Oh, and the princess is trapped in an hourglass, which is TERRIFYING. All Adele asks is for this bad guy to go away forever so she can live happily ever after with the princess.

11. "Sweetest Devotion"

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What a lovely title! Clearly everything worked out for Adele in the end. She gets the princess and they live happily ever after. Oh, and she selflessly uses her third and final wish to free the genie. THIS must be the song everyone cries over. THE END. What a great album (I'm assuming).

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