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87 Thoughts I Had Re-Watching "Mary Poppins"

After 15 years, I tried to find the symbolism so you didn't have to.

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1. London looks nice as hell from up high, but they are panning awfully slow.

2. Mary is way too into her appearances, off the bat.

3. Wow. Nice accent, Dick.

4. Who names their dog Andrew…?

5. I know that if there was a one-man-band in my park, I'd stay at least 25 feet away from them at all times.

6. Look at you breaking the fourth wall!

7. This guy's got a boat on top of his house. That's amazing. But this first mate knows this is a boat on top of a house, yes?

8. This is all very Downton.

9. Oh my goodness, the Mom's a suffragette… but then she sings this little song about it. She wears yellow. Sure, she's a feminist, alright.

10. This boat neighbor is firing ammunition in a residential area. This can't be okay.

11. Mr. Banks seems fine, but everybody's scared as shit. I mean, he's just one guy.

12. You treat your children and wife the same as your SERVANTS. OK never mind, he's a patronizing, deaf asshole. Also why does his mustache have a bald spot?

13.OK your kids are missing and YOU haven't gone out and looked for them.

14. OK, so you live around this park, and the kids were in the park, and everyone is losing their shit.

15. Even the constable is nice. What the heck, Dad?

16. These kids don't seem bad at all. They're kids, and everyone's treating them like they're armed missiles.


17. Pieces of paper flying away through the chimney, this is like reverse Harry Potter!

18. Damn, Captain! Every day!

19. I'm thinking to myself "Why do these women run about making sure Mr. Banks is happy, even though he's so mean?" And then I remembered patriarchy.

20. Mary's got a cute scarf! I want one!

21. Again, with her looking at herself! Like, we get it Mary, you're pretty and good at your job. Some women can have it all, I guess.

22. So she's like a Snow White with responsibilities? She and this bird seem to get along great.

23. I get that it's a kids movie, but this whole snap and the room is clean thing is just making me jealous.

24. The way that this nursery is messy looks more like a crime scene than anything else.

25. This housekeeper Ellen acted like an avalanche was approaching when they slid down the bannister, and then was overjoyed that it happened. Talk about masochism.

26. Bert is the ultimate artist, musical and visual. Once again, jealous.

27. On the story front, I wish I knew what makes Bert think he can be so casual. What kind of history do he and Mary have?

28. Mary and Bert are off fooling around with animated animals, and they let these kids just run off. What kind of nanny are you? She is on a date right now.

29. Bert is singing this song about all the women he knows, which makes me think this is the original Mambo Number 5.

30. He pulls his pants down, but they still cover his underwear, which makes me think it's more like a strapless jumpsuit. Why is this movie full of things I can't pull off?

31. Mary just used her feminine wiles to win this horse race… smh. What happened to feminism?

32. Julie Andrews is so hot tho.

33. Is it bad if Mr. Banks reminds me of my dad…?

34. This guy Uncle Albert has a very New York Jewish accent…

35. Whose uncle is he exactly?

36. You know why I remember this scene? It's because I was nervous they'd die of laughing too hard, which is still true.

37. Your wife is late for a thing that's important to her, and the second you suggest she stays, she says "Of course!" Are you kidding? Leave his ass.

38. OK, so they are making the antagonist push a banking agenda, which means… what? Ugh I wish I knew what politics was. Oh well, back to my dick jokes.

39. MR. BANKS (subtext): "Well done! You successfully said the word you invented, Mary! Impressive for a woman. "

40. Mary is good at tricking people into liking her, something I'd love to master someday.

41. "Sugary Female Thinking" – Mr. Banks 2016

42. I love how she sang about this creepy bird lady, and the kids fell asleep. Happy nightmares, kids.

43. Listen, feeding birds create an epidemic and overpopulation of creatures that ruin the ecosystem. I shan't stand for it.

44. I don't understand Mary's obsession with this bird lady.

45. This old bank man looks like the original Dumbledore.


46. Oh shit, it's actually Dick Van Dyke – what a slippery bastard.

47. These bank peoples are walking in circles like a bunch of idiots.

48. OK kid, listen, make your life easier and give over the money. These bankers are scary. There's plenty of tuppence to be made later.

49. Why do you just keep running, kids? Get to a place populated with people and wait. That's what you do when you're lost.

50. Bert, it's you! Still creepy and tall.

51. That's a hot slice of perspective you just served up, Bert.

52. You're a gross dude covered in dirt, and you're getting fancy ladies to blow you kisses? Damn, Bert's got moves like Jagger.

53. None of the women in this house can make sure the kids don't leave the house? Give them a book, like normal parents, and go about your biz.

54. And she's having a chimney-sweeping stranger watch her kids?

55. Mom's such a suffragette wannabe. They all probably just laugh at her when she leaves the room. Or better yet speak in a made up language to mock her in front of her.

56. I don't think "spit spot" means anything. It's like when you say spoon over and over again until it doesn't sound right.

57. Mary just powdered herself a Hitler mustache, and then led these kids in a militant march. WTF, Disney?!

58. I'm glad these chimney sweeps have time to learn choreographed music and dance routines. They must be busy.

59. Is there a reason why this number is so time-centric? There's no real cause for it. They're just all on speed.

60. Yeah, she just spun in the air like 400 times. She's definitely on something.

61. Mary, you got hundreds of dirtymen lusting after you.

62.These guys are way too acrobatically talented to be covered in soot for a living.

63. Look, and now the captain thinks they're a threat.

64. I thought he was firing actual armed weapons – just fireworks? That's cool as hell!

65. The cook screams "they're at it again," but when were they "at it " the first time?

66. Ellen and her mood swings — she's terrified, angry, and then happy all in the span of three seconds.

67. "Before the mortar can congeal" is an actual song lyric in this film. Those Sherman brothers can get it.

68. Well, this is actually quite… solemn and poetic, all this soul searching on Mr. Banks' part.

69. Is he going to the bank in the middle of the night expecting everyone to be there, when he said he'd go at 9 a.m.?

70. I guess he needed a secret service detail to get in to his own place of work.

71. Oh I love scenes with those long British dining tables that make you feel all detached and unimportant.

72. The chaos in the bank was SO much more than the doing of lil Michael Banks.

73. I don't believe there is any symbolism with this captain besides that he's crazy.


74. Holy shit, Ellen just casually suggested that Mr. Banks jumped off a bridge.

75. Constable, they invited you into their home. Don't get fresh.

76. Oh, this kite song is nice! Except for the mom dancing with them — this is a song about the dad and his kids. Butt out, mom, not everything is about you.

77. Is the mom giving her suffragette sash away a symbol of her accepting her subordinate place in the home and society?

78. AND BERT IS SELLING KITES NOW! How convenient!

79. It doesn't seem fair that Bert gets to stick around and Mary doesn't.

80. These bank guys turned happy real fast.

81. So Banks ended up going back and working at the bank? The place we were convinced was a pit of misery for the whole movie?

82. Is this the first time the bird umbrella spoke? Cuz he's sassy as hell. MORE UMBRELLA BIRD!

83. I bet Titus from Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt and this umbrella bird would be friends IRL.

84. There she goes. Off into the sky again.

85. Now I feel like Julie didn't even have THAT much screen time that didn't involve dancing around. Sound of Music was much better, IMO.

86. She and Bert are like Keira Knightley and Orlando Bloom at the end of the Pirates 3, where he comes ashore every 10 years, they bang the whole day, and then he's like "later, commitments!"

87. I still can't tell if this movie is feminist or anti-feminist. Pls Help.

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