A while back, we shared stories from redditors about the "Kevin" in their lives — the person who was so inept that they wondered how they'd gotten that far in life in one piece. For more about why "Kevin" ended up being the name for these folks, check out the previous post (and sorry to all the actual Kevins out there, I'm sure you're intelligent, good people).
The BuzzFeed Community started sharing their own stories of the Kevin in their lives, so here are some of the best ones:
1. The story of the person who had some scrambling problems:
"I knew Kevin in college. One day, he said he was going to the kitchen and making some scrambled eggs. After about 20 minutes, we started to smell smoke. We asked him if everything was okay, and he yelled back, 'I’m fine, but how long does it take for eggs to start to scramble?!?!' He thought the eggs would just randomly scramble themselves."
2. The story of the person who made a new category of meat:
"I was explaining how my daughter's digestive system doesn't handle red meat well, so the fact that they ('Kevin') were feeding her beef multiple days in a row was not agreeing with her. 'Kevin' said with the attitude of a 13-year-old girl, 'Beef isn't RED meat, it's BROWN.'
'Kevin' assured me she wasn't trying to be 'attackery' (I think she meant argumentative?). 'Kevin' unfortunately is a nurse responsible for the health of other people. We refer to her now as Brown Meat and cannot even look at a red meat dish without laughing and thinking of the incident. But seriously, has she never cooked beef from scratch to see it in its raw form? I was so confused."
3. The story of the person who added an extra step or two:
"My mom had hired someone to sit with my grandma during the day so my mom could go to work. My grandma liked her bottled water at room temperature. Her sitter would take the cold bottles from the refrigerator, put them on the counter, allow them to come to room temperature, and then give them to my grandma. Then, the sitter would get more room-temperature bottles and replace the ones she had taken from the refrigerator. 🤔"
4. The story of the person who baked just like his mama:
"My ex-husband’s Kevin moment was when he got a craving for chocolate chip cookies. He started putting the dough on a cooling rack, and I tried to explain that they needed to bake on a baking sheet. He argued with me and said, 'This is how my mom always makes them.' After going back and forth for quite a while on this, I finally threw my hands up and just let him put them in the oven.
The kitchen started to fill with smoke pretty quickly as the dough melted down onto the oven floor, and he had a big ole mess to clean up. Unfortunately, I was really looking forward to those cookies…"
5. The story of the person who invented a new animal:
"A Kevina I went to school with knew that pork and bacon came from pigs, but thought a ham was an entirely different animal. She insisted that ham came from a ham like chicken came from a chicken. She was at a loss for words when asked to describe what the 'ham' animal looked like."
6. The story of the person who might have confused red meat for chewing gum:
"A Kevina I went to high school with told me she doesn’t eat red meat because 'It sits in your intestine for seven years.' She told me this while eating a burger."
7. The story of the person who, I guess, had no concept of depth perception:
"A relative of mine has an ex. While driving cross country, they saw cows in a field. She was shocked at how the cows near the fence were so much bigger than the cows further away in the pasture. He had to explain the perception of size close and far away."
—anonymous
8. The story of the person who misplaced an entire car (TBH, I've done this, too):
"I knew a guy who drove to 7-Eleven to get a snack, forgot he drove, walked home, then 'lost' his car for three days because it was still parked at 7-Eleven. He had fully accepted that it was just gone when he happened to pass by the 7-Eleven and saw his car just chilling there, unharmed and not missing at all."
9. The story of the person who probably learned a lot of stuff, but never learned the basics:
"I supervised a very sweet Kevin. He arrived at work one day with his uniform khakis covered in bleach spots. When I asked him what happened, he said, 'I ran out of laundry detergent so I just added more bleach to the washing machine.' Kevin was 24 and had graduated from a prestigious college."
—anonymous
10. The story of the person who SEVERELY misread a label:
"I’m a respiratory therapist, and when getting reports during shift change, the other therapist told me that if I have to do an ABG (blood draw in an artery on the wrist), that I can’t draw on the right because the patient has a false wrist. I was completely perplexed. I asked what made her think the patient had a false wrist? She said that there was an armband on the patient that said this. When I went and saw the patient, I saw that the wrist band said 'FALL RISK.'"
—anonymous
11. The story of the person who — *urk*, don't think about it too hard or you'll puke:
"Taking care of a total Kevina in the hospital. She heard that you should drink at least eight glasses of water a day, so she did just that. Unfortunately, her glasses were 64-oz. Double Big Gulp cups from 7-Eleven. It took her less than a week to develop water intoxication with severe electrolyte imbalance. She nearly died. During her recovery, she filled out a survey about her hospital stay. She was very positive except for the food, specifically the jelly that we give out for toast at breakfast. Seeing that there was no jelly on her breakfast tray as she hadn’t ordered any, I asked her what jelly was so bad. She replied, 'The Kentucky jelly' and showed me where the nurses hid it. Turns out she was putting KY lubricating jelly on her toast."
—anonymous
12. The story of the person who wasn't up on their anatomy:
"I worked with a Kevin who was asking questions about bariatric surgery. She wanted to know if a woman would be able to have kids after having one of those surgeries. I just shrugged and said something about probably needing to wait some time for healing purposes and needing to discuss it with their doctors. Kevin then proceeded to ask, 'But where would the baby grow?' This woman had previously given birth to more than one child. Did she think they came from her actual stomach? I was too confused to even try to answer her. I ended the conversation by changing the subject to work stuff."
—anonymous
13. The story of the person who thought they were just handing out money:
"I managed gas stations for years. There are Kevins around every day. The location I worked at had started selling money orders. A Kevin walked in and wanted a $25 money order. I asked them how they were going to pay for the money order. Kevin said, 'I just need a $25 money order.' Kevin did not understand that money orders have to be paid for. Kevin thought all you had to do was order the money and receive it."
—anonymous
14. The story of the person who was never allowed a gun again:
"On one military deployment, we had a total Lieutenant Kevin experience. In the US military, you had to clear your weapons before entering any hardened building, such as the Division Headquarters. No loaded weapons were allowed inside the building. To clear your weapon, there was a 55-gallon barrel filled with sand with a 6-inch hole in the top end sitting at a 45-degree angle next to the entrance. You release your weapon's magazine, slide the charging handle to the rear to eject the live round from the chamber leaving it empty, then put the barrel of the weapon into the hole in the clearing barrel and pull the trigger. 'Click.' The weapon is now empty and safe. If there were a live round it would fire 'safely' into the barrel of sand.
On this particular day, Lieutenant Kevin proceeded to move the slide of his pistol to the rear, ejecting the round in the chamber...and loading a fresh round from the still-inserted magazine. Then he removes the magazine, places the weapon into the opening of the barrel, and pulls the trigger with a loud crack, wounding the clearing barrel. The guard on duty yells at him for being an incompetent moron, but the Lieutenant — wanting to show his competence — declares that he did everything in order and demonstrates it again. He reloads his weapon and again pulls the slide to the rear and releases it, ejecting the round that was in the chamber (again reloading a new round), removes the magazine, places the barrel inside the clearing barrel, pulls the trigger with a loud crack, and finishes off the clearing barrel with a kill shot.
Lieutenant Kevin spent the remainder of the deployment carrying a stapler in his holster instead of a pistol. He was required to clean his stapler daily, present it for inspection, and clear it of any staples at the clearing barrel before entering the headquarters."
—anonymous
15. And finally, the (self call-out) story of the person who didn't think about cause and effect:
"Outing myself with laughter. I’m 5’4” (F), 100 lbs. Was walking my ball-loving 125-lb. Newfoundland. I saw a ball in the gutter, picked it up, and as it left my hand, I remembered:
1.) I’ve got a really good arm.
2.) My dog is attached to a leash around my hips.
I saw my life in that instant. A car coming down the street saw the dog dragging me and honked to scare him. Bleeding with a broken leg, I looked up to see my dog with the proudest grin and a ball in his mouth. Life."
—anonymous
