Buzz·Posted on Mar 8, 2018Settle In For 50 Of The Funniest Tweets You've Ever ReadSettle in. Get a snack.by Andy GolderBuzzFeed Staff LinkFacebookPinterestTwitterMail 1. Jake @dubiousrhetoric [after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions 03:04 PM - 18 Feb 2018 Reply Retweet Favorite 2. ben are scum @UniqueDude2 the word doritos, with the diminutive suffix "-ito," implies the existence of larger chip. i intend to find this mythic ur-chip, this "Doro" 05:59 PM - 23 Oct 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 3. 𝔄𝔟𝔰𝔬𝔩𝔲𝔱𝔢 𝔘𝔫𝔦𝔱 @eliyudin Being an old-timey doctor would rule, just drunk as hell like "yeah u got ghosts in your blood, you should do cocaine about it" 05:03 PM - 16 Aug 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 4. Austin Sawyer @austy23 STOP ENCOURAGING EVERYONE TO GO TO COLLEGE THERE IS NOT ENOUGH PARKING 02:22 PM - 29 Aug 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 5. 6. Grant Tanaka @GrantTanaka [jogging] brain: let's talk shall we me: ok brain: are we being chased me: no brain: are we chasing something me: no brain: so wtf are we doing then heart & lungs: we also have questions 12:30 AM - 26 Feb 2018 Reply Retweet Favorite 7. Philip Larkin @philiplarkin Just spotted a cat on someone's porch, miaowing to be let in. Without thinking, I walked up to the door, rang the bell, nodded to the cat and left. It was only I rounded the corner I realised what I'd done as I heard the owner shouting FUCK ME SARAH THE CAT JUST RANG THE DOORBELL 07:11 PM - 24 Feb 2018 Reply Retweet Favorite 8. chris melberger @chrismelberger me: u okay? girlfriend, crying: yea it was just these onions me to onions: what the fuck did u say to my girlfriend 09:56 PM - 18 Feb 2018 Reply Retweet Favorite 9. 10. Max @maxpalumbo5 When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part. 01:32 AM - 03 Jan 2018 Reply Retweet Favorite 11. 12. Mohanad Elshieky @MohanadElshieky Uber driver: ........... Me: .......... Uber driver: .......... Me: 5 stars. 07:18 PM - 06 Aug 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 13. B. @Ticklemelili So I’m @ the bank waiting in line & the guy in front of me is spitting game to the teller, she’s laughing & he’s attractive so I can tell she’s digging it, he asks her if he can take her out and she says “with what? The whole $11.96 you got in your account?” SON, my chest 😭 07:21 PM - 26 Jan 2018 Reply Retweet Favorite 14. Spence @SpenceDen Millenials. Walking around like they rent the place. 03:31 PM - 03 Jan 2018 Reply Retweet Favorite 15. Mark Robinson @robboma24 The fact that Head & shoulders doesn't have a body wash called Knees and Toes disappoints me almost as much as I disappoint my parents. 05:21 PM - 04 May 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 16. "Ian" Abramson @ianabramson When you compare the size of a gummy worm versus a gummy bear, it starts to paint a horrific picture of the gummy universe. 11:16 PM - 01 Feb 2018 Reply Retweet Favorite 17. Dennis Farrell @DennisFarrell Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message 04:23 PM - 26 Apr 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 18. Jack The Jew @okimstillhungry *1st day in hell* Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts Me: Oh nice Devil: And you have to react to each one Me: NO 02:32 PM - 18 Aug 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 19. Bob Kostic @causticbob For the past twenty years, I've been getting a Valentine's card from the same secret admirer. So, I was pretty sad not to get one this year. First my granny dies, now this? 09:44 AM - 12 Feb 2018 Reply Retweet Favorite 20. Jenn Quinn @JennnQuinn Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it's an "amazing natural phenomenon" but when I do it's a "problem" 03:59 AM - 20 Aug 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 21. Denizcan James @MrFilmkritik Me normally: Fuck capitalism. It's a rigged system that keeps us poor and it isn’t fair. You shouldn’t need to work 3 jobs to afford basic necessities. Me playing Monopoly: Sorry, if you wanted to win you should have tried not being poor. 01:03 AM - 26 Dec 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 22. Wonder Boy 🤓 @CodyMarkRankin Girl: Wow that was the best sex I’ve ever had, but I have to ask.... why are you wearing that goofy chef’s hat?? Me: *beet red and physically exhausted slowly takes off hat to reveal ratatouille controlling my every move* 10:31 PM - 30 Dec 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 23. 24. Andy Richter @AndyRichter My body is a temple, but it's one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place 06:41 AM - 21 Oct 2012 Reply Retweet Favorite 25. childish sadbino @datassque yall tired of boiling water every time you make pasta? boil a few gallons at the beginning of the week and freeze it for later. 02:47 AM - 30 Jul 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 26. Dan Amira @DanAmira Wow congrats, the woman is 87 years old 04:55 PM - 28 Feb 2018 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @DanAmira 27. Quinn Sutherland @ReelQuinn I knew a family who named their four kids Charity, Hope, Faith, and Greg. 11:43 PM - 28 Feb 2018 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @ReelQuinn 28. ellie @holy_schnitt Dad in every Disney channel movie: but son, you're giving up your DREAM Son in every Disney channel movie: no dad, I'm giving up ~yours~ 10:10 PM - 01 Nov 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @holy_schnitt 29. T. Moss Perricone @mossperricone It's insane that Kinkos is a print shop and not a sex positive cereal 09:27 PM - 11 Feb 2018 Reply Retweet Favorite 30. Paul Ford @ftrain When the moon hits your knees And you mispronounce trees Sycamore 01:14 PM - 27 Feb 2018 Reply Retweet Favorite 31. Nathan Usher @thenatewolf "Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?" I asked. She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything. 01:20 AM - 09 Jan 2016 Reply Retweet Favorite 32. Hamish✨Ridley✨Steele @hamishsteele This video cassette I found at my grandmas house still makes me laugh so much 12:03 PM - 07 Feb 2018 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @hamishsteele 33. pablo pisscasso @konamicola ok taco bell you finally won me over 12:46 AM - 25 Feb 2018 Reply Retweet Favorite 34. Fambae Thiccsnack @MrPhetz And good Jovi to you, sir 07:47 PM - 12 Oct 2012 Reply Retweet Favorite 35. september22 @hodgesboi15 If I pay $40 for a haunted house I better die 02:51 AM - 12 Oct 2013 Reply Retweet Favorite 36. Sydney King @SydneyKing3 Oh my gosh we really don’t deserve my mom. All she wanted to do was spell out love in our family pictures. She had no idea 😭😭😭 https://t.co/AP7mvtzH46 10:27 PM - 17 Oct 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 37. leah knauer @LeahKnauer I slept with this guy who works at Netflix, which was pretty cool because afterwards he recommended other guys I may also like sleeping with. 09:02 PM - 29 Jan 2018 Reply Retweet Favorite 38. rudy mustang @rudy_mustang Me: the eagles won last night Co worker: oh did you watch the game Me: *covered in blood and scratches* what game 02:04 PM - 05 Feb 2018 Reply Retweet Favorite 39. haley @haley_copeland No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need. 01:05 AM - 31 Jan 2018 Reply Retweet Favorite 40. yabkat @ohen39 wife: I just got stung by a jellyfish. quick, pee on it me: [peeing on jellyfish] this is for stinging my wife 02:51 AM - 25 Oct 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 41. Cat Damon @CornOnTheGoblin me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin 02:22 PM - 05 Mar 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 42. cory @_coryrichardson cop: are you high? me: hello, am i what? cop: high me: hello 09:04 PM - 03 Mar 2018 Reply Retweet Favorite 43. Mike Drucker @MikeDrucker I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person. 09:19 PM - 29 Jun 2012 Reply Retweet Favorite 44. Veronica Miller Jamison ✨ @veronicamarche I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it. 01:17 AM - 05 Mar 2018 Reply Retweet Favorite 45. 46. egg dog ★★☆☆☆ @egg_dog kids have you applied the minty paste to the exposed part of your skeleton? yes? well now it is time to lie down in a dark room for hours 12:02 AM - 28 May 2015 Reply Retweet Favorite 47. KT NELSON @KrangTNelson FRIEND: I named my son Barry, bc we were listening to Barry White when he was conceived ME: that’s cool as hell [15 years later] ME: son can you hand me the newspaper YAKITY-SAX: fuck you dad 04:10 AM - 02 Mar 2018 Reply Retweet Favorite 48. decent pigeon @decentbirthday I think my Uber driver is in trouble 07:44 PM - 25 Jul 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 49. Bob Vulfov @bobvulfov [concert] SINGER: hows everyone doin tonight CROWD: woo ME (from the back in a normal speaking voice): it's actually been a tough few months 05:02 AM - 09 May 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 50. eric 🐻 @ericbearden_ Stranger Things Stranger Things 2 Strangers and Things 2 Strange 4 Things 5 Things The Strange and the Things: Tokyo Drift Strangest 7 04:44 PM - 02 Nov 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite