49 Thoughts You Have Every Time You Watch HGTV’s “Fixer Upper”

Can Chip and Joanna just adopt me already?

HGTV

 

1. Literally the best part of every episode is the beginning when they show a Chip Gaines blooper.
2. His belly should have its own show.
3. Chip Gaines: The Belly That Could
4. Joanna and Chip’s farm is just so damn quaint. I want to live there.
5. How many goats do they have? One goat, two goats, three goats…1 million goats!
6. Actually, I want Chip and Joanna to adopt me.
7. So, Chip and Joanna have like 15 children, right?
8. It seems like they have a small army of children.
9. They have so many kids they could totally adopt me and not even notice.
10. I’ll just blend right in. All I need is a cute pail filled with crayons.
11. I need to buy a farm.
12. And a silo.
13. Oh, right — the reason we’re all here: the home buyer.
14. I am now weeping because this home buyer has either a tragic backstory or a beautiful family.
15. Or they’re surprising their parents with a home and there are tears everywhere.
16. Every time Chip harkens back to his glory days, an angel gets its wings.

17. So Joanna is a flawless human, yes? We all agree on this?
18. I don’t know a lot about childbirth but I’m pretty sure nobody is supposed to look that good after four kids.
19. Seriously, Chip better wake up every morning and bow down to his queen.
20. I am now weeping because of the house prices in Waco, Texas.
21. I could seriously own a house in Waco in about six years for what I spend in rent.
22. I’m this close to moving to Waco. This close.
23. Like, I’m ready to press “buy” on this plane ticket.

24. So does every house in Waco come with like 10 acres of land? And a lake? Probably.
25. I’m convinced that Chip and Joanna can do a complete reno of any house for less than $30,000.
26. It’s like, “We’ll need to gut the entire house, rearrange the plumbing, and build a new wrap-around porch. We can get it done for $50.”
27. Must be all the reclaimed wood Joanna uses.
28. Oh, there goes another wall.
29. Joanna hates walls. It’s all about that ~open space~.
30. If it were up to her, she’d probably knock down every wall and make the house one big room.
31. Their little interview segments give me life.

HGTV

 

32. There’s that belly again.
33. Oh, well now he’s done something stupid and dangerous but it’s OK because Joanna loves him for it.
34. And she has other things to worry about, like how they’ve gone over budget and now she has to call the home buyer on speakerphone.
35. They always go over budget.
36. But don’t worry, home buyers, just enjoy this cute scene where Chip and Joanna’s kids “help” mommy and daddy fix up the home.
37. Now I’m bawling because I fear that I will never find a love as true as Chip and Joanna’s.
38. They love each other, they really do.

HGTV

 

39. No matter what episode it is, Joanna is going to offer the home buyer a pergola.
40. Joanna loves pergolas.
41. Joanna loves oversize clocks.
42. Joanna loves distressed wood.
43. Joanna REALLY loves shiplap.
44. AND DON’T FORGET THAT FARMHOUSE SINK. YOU NEED THE FARMHOUSE SINK.
45. I wonder how much a house-sized poster of someone’s house costs.

46. I bet they could have bought another oversize clock with the money they saved from not buying the poster.
47. Ugh, they love the house.
48. They love the house so much that they’ve invited over their family and friends for cheese and wine around their reclaimed wood table.
49. OK, I’m moving to Waco.

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