1.
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
2.
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him ME: ok [drives to hospital] ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
3.
[during sex] him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens [takes out telescope to watch comet]
4.
roses r red violets r blue sunflowers r yellow i bet u were expecting someting romantic but no this is just gardening facts
5.
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
6.
wife: that was a lovely funeral until you ruined it me: i did not ruin it [cuts to me shaking widow's hand] me: let's do this again sometime
7.
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this? [next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
8.
Capitalization can really change a sentence. Example: I love to eat candy. I love to eat capitalization.
9.
[introducing girlfriend to my family] me: this is my girlfriend janine janine: hi wife: what the fuck
10.
New sexual fantasy: He takes my hand, leads me to the bed, and says, in a throaty whisper, "I want you to nap for as long as you like."
11.
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it's pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
12.
Of course I touch myself when I think about you It's called a face palm
13.
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
14.
top numbers rankings 1) 1 2) 2 3) 3 4) 4 5) 27, surprisingly
15.
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I'm nervous. I've never done a bungee jump before. INSTRUCTOR: don't lick my lips again.
16.
"That'll be $19.94." *pulls out $50 bill* "Sorry, we've had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?" *pulls out $25 bill*
17.
Kinda dumb that they don't call boxing "fisting" isn't it? Anyway welcome to Applebee's can I start you folks off with some drinks?
18.
"Open Mike Night" sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I'd been invited to an autopsy.
19.
[Sees bee on my wife's arm] Uh oh [I roll up a newspaper] Babe.. stay still.. (using newspaper as a megaphone) THERE'S A FUCKING BEE ON YOU