1.
[grocery produce aisle] ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots? CLERK: No, why do you ask? CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
2.
Is it "fleek" or "on fleek"? I want grandmas eulogy to be just right.
3.
accountant: "youre basically broke" wife: "he keeps spending money on stupid stuff" me: "lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid"
4.
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what? Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
5.
People often ask me, "Patrick, I don't like you."
6.
*cop pulls me over* COP: please blow into this, sir ME: *plays trumpet perfectly* COP: okay you're definitely sober and way cool
7.
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
8.
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said "bless you" now she just staring at the bushes confused wondering who said that
9.
ME: isn't this great?? WIFE: not really ME: *looks down from the top bunk* what's wrong
10.
Yes, judge I do have something to say. If you truly are what you eat then I am an innocent man. Thank you.
11.
genie: "thats definitely your last wish?" me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] "yes" genie: "ok" our dog: "how can i talk all of a sudden?"
12.
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
13.
[gun goes off] [every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race] ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
14.
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class *I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat* ME: I can do this 14 more times
15.
Her: when you said "magical in bed" this isn't exactly what I was exp- Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card Her: *softly* holy shit
16.
I was raised as an only child. My siblings took it pretty hard
17.
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset* Sara? *Gets down on one knee* *audible gasp* "Yes?" Help my knee is made of magnets
18.
[high school sex ed class] TEACHER: any questions ME: is it true a penis is just an inside out vagina TEACHER: Brandon ur 32 why are u here