1.
Me: the eagles won last night Co worker: oh did you watch the game Me: *covered in blood and scratches* what game
2.
[grocery produce aisle] ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots? CLERK: No, why do you ask? CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
3.
4.
I can't believe people don't eat the crust like wtf it's part of the food, it's fantastic even if it doesn't taste the same as the rest of the watermelon
5.
Is it "fleek" or "on fleek"? I want grandmas eulogy to be just right.
6.
me: thank you for that glass of milk earlier sperm bank employee: what glass of milk me: the glass of milk that was sitting on your desk sperm bank employee: oh my god me: what sperm bank employee: you drank my glass of milk
7.
8.
ME: isn't this great?? WIFE: not really ME: *looks down from the top bunk* what's wrong
9.
[gun goes off] [every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race] ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
10.
My son was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “Dad, what’s the Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again with his eyes obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
11.
I was raised as an only child. My siblings took it pretty hard
12.
*cop pulls me over* COP: please blow into this, sir ME: *plays trumpet perfectly* COP: okay you're definitely sober and way cool
13.
Yes, judge I do have something to say. If you truly are what you eat then I am an innocent man. Thank you.
14.
accountant: "youre basically broke" wife: "he keeps spending money on stupid stuff" me: "lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid"
15.
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class *I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat* ME: I can do this 14 more times
16.
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset* Sara? *Gets down on one knee* *audible gasp* "Yes?" Help my knee is made of magnets
17.
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
18.
