Recently, I asked the women in the BuzzFeed Community about the things they find themselves constantly aware of that men never have to think about.
Here's what they shared, everything ranging from inconvenient to heartbreaking.
Note: Some submissions include topics of rape, sexual assault, and harassment. Please proceed with caution.
An overwhelming majority of women discussed the many ways they have to think about their safety:
1. "The reason I always scan my surroundings, never wear headphones/earbuds in public, or never have both hands full is because I know too many women (friends, coworkers, family) that have been assaulted in some way from being distracted or unaware in public. The last time I looked into the statistic, it was 1 out of 6 women in the US will be physically assaulted [or experience an attempted assault]. Those odds play in my head every time I leave my house."
2. "Walking alone safely. I walk for exercise before dark, and I look behind me probably every few minutes and every time I reach an intersection to make sure no one is behind me. I have the added fear now in that I’m mildly disabled, so if I needed to, I couldn’t run away or properly defend myself. I carry pepper spray with me in case something happens. I would never walk alone at night."
3. "I am constantly aware of cars that follow behind me, especially when it’s dark outside. Not such a big deal on interstates/highways or major city streets, but when I’m on less highly traveled streets or in my neighborhood, I pay attention to any car that stays behind me for too long, in resident areas in particular."
"Also, I’ve been told since I was old enough to drive that I should never, EVER pull over for a car using police lights unless it’s in a heavily populated area/road. A family member is a police officer and said that the safest thing to do is slow down, activate hazard (flashing lights), and then pull over someplace public, like a gas station or store parking lot. He said that even if the officer trying to pull you over is legit, they should understand what you did once you explain yourself.
PS: I recognize that this might come with its own risks (particularly for a non-white person in the US)."
"And I’m sure they told you that if someone IS following you, do not drive home, drive to a police station. I’ve been followed in my car before, and confirmed it when I made a sudden left turn from the middle lane (the road was empty) and saw them go up to the next street and u-turn. I fortunately ended up losing them in a neighborhood I turned into before they could see me. It was terrifying."
4. "I sell new cars, and we always go over things for each new buyer. ... I show my female customers how to tighten, leaving headlights on longer after leaving the car, not unlocking the whole car automatically, etc. Often, when the male S.O. is listening, they'll say, 'Oh, that's not necessary, it's overkill.' The woman and I will just look at each other and make an unspoken agreement to ignore the asshole in the backseat."
5. "Being followed and harassed by men while walking, jogging, hiking, biking, or working out, especially when I am alone. I've even been groped in the grocery store despite the fact that I am never flirty and I don't interact with strangers. Their sense of entitlement is astonishing."
—Anonymous
6. "When out in public, I know where every man is in the vicinity and what he is doing. I am always over an arm's length away from the nearest man, and if a man gets too close, I stop what I'm doing and stare at him until he leaves my space. I don't want to have to be so cautious and mistrustful of men, but over the years, they have proven it necessary. It is fucking exhausting."
—Anonymous
7. "What time should someone I trust phone the police. Fifteen minutes after I haven't come back? Thirty minutes? One hour?Two hours? What is my route, so that way, there is at least some indication of where I last was, and at what time? What am I wearing, so that I can be searched for on any surveillance cameras or doorbell camera that happen to be in the area? Who am I burdening with this information that will be waiting for a text from me to see whether I am still alive?"
8. "Being constantly aware of your surroundings. I do martial arts, and it even shows up in class in the smallest way. The men don't pay attention to who's around them so the women are always having to move out of their way to avoid collisions."
9. "How I’m really going to have to shoulder check this dude since he thinks I should move over because I’m a woman? Nah, dawg, we colliding."
10. "I am in an open relationship, and I have four people I hang out with regularly. Let me tell you, the straight, white, cis men are the ones who always 'forget' to lock my front door behind them..."
11. "The cost of not being able to get public transport at night. My male friends will get a night bus or train back after a night out, and I always have to pay extra to get a cab if I’m on my own."
12. "I refused to walk across a park to the bathroom by myself in a city that I'm not from. The event we were attending was at the very front corner of this LARGE park. The bathroom was in the complete opposite corner of the park. My teenage boys didn't understand why I needed one of them to go with me."
—Anonymous
13. "Getting murdered, raped, or attacked. ... I don't think men understand how often women have to be concerned about this. Is it safe for me to say no to a date with this guy, or will he murder me? Is it ok to walk to my car alone? Can I take a jog in this neighborhood? What if I get a flat tire on this road? Why does my male boss want to see me in his office? Can I safely go to the professor's office and ask for help with this assignment? What if the guy on this first date is a psycho? What if my Uber driver kidnaps me?"
They brought up the struggles that come with managing their periods:
14. "My period and how it really takes over my body and makes me sick. I get, like, *maybe* only one good week where I’m not in pain or wanting the throw up every five minutes. The amount of anti-nausea meds I have is insane…but the pain...the pain can be completely so unbearable that I have to be hospitalized (I have endometriosis). But it’s so difficult for men to understand what I’m going through because they have zero idea what it’s like."
15. "What our bodies go through just living life. Something as ordinary as a period or PMS can keep someone in bed if their cramps are painful enough. How serious pregnancy and childbirth are. I have heard guys casually talk about having kids, not even remotely aware that pregnancy or childbirth can kill you."
16. "As someone with a pretty unreliable cycle and some pretty bad symptoms, I have to plan my whole wardrobe, travel, and eating patterns around it."
17. "[Bleeding] through my trousers and ensuring that I have enough supplies when going somewhere, even if just for a few hours."
18. "Battling not being able to swim because I'm bleeding. Cramps, bloating, staining underwear and bedsheets, and the huge cost of sanitary products. Plus, sitting next to overflowing sanitary bins in public toilets. And trying to change a tampon without the blood flying everywhere, chafing, and hormones where I hate everyone and genuinely getting tearful and furious easily. Monthly."
—Anonymous
And they also mentioned how they have to think about their appearance and clothes:
19. "How being hairless is the default. If I don't shave my legs, it's seen as some political choice instead of how my body naturally exists."
20. "Being very conscious of my chest area in public. I have to always check that my chest is covered and I'm not showing them in any shape or form. Some men are really good at making you feel like an object just by the way they stare! This makes me very frustrated."
21. "How my clothes fit. I'm 5'2" with DDD breasts. My clothes are form fitting, no matter WHAT I'm wearing. My work clothes are a uniform that have a mild V-neck, and if I'm not careful, simply leaning forward gives whomever cares to look a full view of my cleavage. Even loose-fitting T-shirts cause issues, because they still fit tightly across my chest. No matter what I wear, I'm 'suggestive' and 'inappropriate' and 'asking for it.' Like, motherfucker, I'm wearing SCRUBS. How am I being purposefully sexy?!"
—Anonymous
22. "I don’t think it’s an exaggeration to say that I missed out on so much childhood because I had big breasts. The sexualization I experienced before I even knew what was happening shaped my life, and not in a good way."
23. "Not a serious one but footwear and clothing. My husband walked through a puddle once, and I asked him why he didn't avoid it because now he'll have wet socks. That was the day I found out most men's shoes are water-resistant; whereas, my shoes almost never were. Men don't have to consider if they'll be on their feet too long at work to wear heals or if they'll look unprofessional in flats."
"...Also, my husband is the same size in every shop; whereas, I have to memorize which shops am I a 4 in and which I am a 6, 8, or 10 in."
24. "I always need to check if I have pockets for anything I'm [wearing], or if they're fake. A lot of women's clothing has pockets that you can barely fit a finger in, let alone a phone and keys. Men don't have to worry about this as much."
—Anonymous
Even the conversations they have with men have to be calculated:
25. "That constant balance of being friendly enough that you're not a 'bitch,' but not so friendly that you're 'leading them on' (even though you were just being a normal amount of friendly). I'm always especially aware of this in the workplace. Did I smile enough on a day when I'm just tired? Did I laugh too enthusiastically and now he thinks I'm into him? Is one exclamation point in the email enough to indicate I'm a team player? If I walk over to his desk to ask a question instead of emailing, will he read into it? Ugh."
26. "I have to be mindful of how I talk to my male employees because my friendliness is always taken as flirting. They don't take me seriously as a woman and only see me as a sex object. They've told me that they don't care that I have a boyfriend (especially since most of these men are married). If I'm straightforward with them or if I am assertive, they tell my boss I'm acting like a b****."
—Anonymous
27. "Having to make polite conversation when a random dude starts talking to you. It’s easier and safer to just make polite small talk until I can get safely away. And having to hope that my polite, tense smile isn’t assumed as me flirting. If I come off bitchy or rude, you don’t know how that man will react."
—Anonymous
28. "Calling me a 'bitch' or otherwise scathing comments when I don't acknowledge [them] back. It happens to me multiple times a day, and it takes a lot for me to not say something equally as obscene back so I don't have to fear for my life or retaliation."
—Anonymous
29. "A lot of men have trouble hearing 'no' from women. I'm not just talking about sex, either. I find myself having to stay very on guard about my boundaries, and often must continue to say 'No,' even after the first time. It's hard to hit the mark of being firm without being criticized as bitchy."
—Anonymous
30. "This is a little different, but I think it’s sort of relevant. I’m a trans guy, and the shift in the way that cis men treat me when they realize I’m 'actually a woman' 🙄 is ridiculous. When men approach me assuming (correctly) that I’m also a man, I put in extra effort to seem masculine because I’m scared of the sudden condescending/predatory attitude some men adapt when they realize I’m not one of them."
31. "Being/getting angry. We're told we're overreacting and get called irrational bitches and to 'get off our periods.' Men get angry (frightening for us women), but they are ball-busters and go-getters. We're told to calm down. We get the silent treatment. It's like we don't have the right or privilege to be angry or upset without something hormonal attached to it."
And the list goes on and on:
32. "Walking into an auto store and being immediately asked if I know what I'm looking for."
—Anonymous
33. "Being ripped off when my car needs to be repaired or my house needs work."
—Anonymous
34. "Having the opposite sex make life choices on my behalf. A uniquely female experience."
35. And finally, "How women naturally put in more emotional labor in situations/dealing with family/relationships. It's just a given that we will just blindly support or take on extra emotional labor in supporting someone."
View this video on YouTube
"100%. Jimmy Kimmel runs a depressing segment every Father's Day where he quizzes dads on the street on basic information about their children. The number of fathers who don't know how old their child is, when their birthday is, what school they go to, or their doctor's name is depressing. There are several each year who don't know what allergies their kids have; there was one in recent years who was convinced his kid was allergic to some kind of fruit. His kid was allergic to penicillin. That is a mistake that could kill someone. Good Lord.
The bar is on the ground, but many men will gladly grab a shovel and start digging."
Responses have been edited for length and clarity.