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May 10, 2017

This "Willy Wonka" Theory Basically Proves That Those Kids Got A Golden Ticket Straight To Death

The candy man can 'cause he mixes it with death and makes the world taste bad.

Gather 'round, boys and girls. I've got your golden ticket into the MURDEROUS life of Willy Wonka.

Wolper Pictures Ltd. / Via giphy.com

Willy Wonka is allegedly a wonderful chocolate-making man...who has a factory that no one has been to for years.

Wolper Pictures Ltd. / Via giphy.com

ALL OF A SUDDEN...OUT OF NOWHERE, he releases five golden tickets into the world summoning children to his factory...which no one has been to in years...to meet a man who no one has seen...in years...

Wolper Pictures Ltd. / Via giphy.com

~suspicious~

...WHAT I'M TRYING TO GET TO IS: FIVE KIDS WENT IN AND ONLY ONE KINDA CAME OUT (VIA WEIRD AF FLYING MACHINE) AND NO ONE WANTS TO TALK ABOUT THAT.

Wolper Pictures Ltd. / Via giphy.com

WILLY WONKA OBVIOUSLY PLOTTED THIS AND PLANNED TO MURDER THOSE KIDS ALL ALONG!

Wolper Pictures Ltd. / Via giphy.com

With the help of this Reddit theory, we will go through the victims and solve this mystery!

Starz / Via giphy.com

Victim #1: Augustus Gloop

Wolper Pictures Ltd. / Via giphy.com

Cause of death: Suffocation.

Evidence:

* Augustus doesn't know how to swim (pointed out by his mom).

* He wasn't able to breathe as he was DROWNING IN CHOCOLATE and was then "suctioned up," meaning something is LITERALLY pulling out all the air.

* When Augustus's mother asks Wonka to do something, he says:

giphy.com
giphy.com

MURDER

Could he have survived? No.

* He is sucked up via a huge pipe that goes straight up in the air and allegedly leads to the fudge room...

* He tells the Oompa Loompa to look out for the boy, who is on his way to the fudge room, because he might accidentally go into the boiler...

* The pipe is never seen again, and there is NO way they got to him in time to help...

Victim #2: Violet Beauregarde

Wolper Pictures Ltd. / Via giphy.com

Cause of death: Exploding or juicing.

Evidence:

* Wonka provokes Violet by saying the gum is "the most amazing, fabulous, sensational gum in the whole world," knowing damn well that she is a CHAMPION gum chewer.

* He mentions (as Violet is turning into a LITERAL blueberry), "they all become blueberries." UM? COULDN'T YOU SAY THAT BEFORE?

* He also says, "Juice her ASAP or she'll just explode."

Wolper Pictures Ltd.

Could she have survived? Ummm...NO.

* There is a possibility that she may explode...

* If she did make it to the juicing area, she would literally be crushed by whatever thing is juicing her.

* Pretty straightforward here.

Victim #3: Veruca Salt

Wolper Pictures Ltd. / Via giphy.com

Cause of death: Fall.

Evidence:

* Why would the Eggdicator consider her a bad egg? She is LITERALLY a human...CLEARLY not an egg.

* Wonka is disgusted by Veruca's spoiled actions, which would explain her demise.

* In no way does Wonka try to help out when she falls down the shoot. He only tells her dad what happens to the garbage. (It goes to the furnace every other day...and he doesn't know if it does that day).

Wolper Pictures Ltd. / Via giphy.com

Could she have survived? How can anyone think she had a chance?

* She easily fell, like, over five floors...we never heard her hit the ground.

* All of the HUGE...GOLDEN...BAD EGGS are down there. If she didn't instantly die, she would not have been able to move...

* Apparently the only way out is through the furnace...so...

Victim #4: Mike Teavee

Wolper Pictures Ltd. / Via giphy.com

Cause of death: Stretching.

Evidence:

* Wonka clearly didn't care about this kid endangering himself just so he could shrink into a television. Like, isn't that concerning?

* Wonka says to one of his accomplices (an Oompa Loompa), "No, no, I won't hold you responsible..." FOR WHAT?! MURDER?!

Wolper Pictures Ltd. / Via giphy.com

Could he have survived? Not a chance.

* Wonka sends him to be stretched by a TAFFY PULLING MACHINE...

* TAFFY PULLING MACHINE...

* How?

When it comes to Charlie (aka the only survivor) (aka Willy Wonka's killing protégé)...

Wolper Pictures Ltd. / Via giphy.com

* He quite obviously would have been killed with his Grandpa Joe by the fan...

* Luckily for both of them, Grandpa Joe started burping...

* Now...Charlie will own the chocolate factory and learn how to kill innocent (but very annoying) children.

There it is, folks. My work here is done. The facts are here.

If all of the evidence I've laid before you doesn't convince you...I'll leave you with this: HOW COULD THE OOMPA LOOMPAS HAVE THE SONGS READY FOR EACH SPECIFIC CHILD?

Wolper Pictures Ltd. / Via giphy.com
  1. What do you think?

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What do you think?
  1.  
    vote votes
    IT IS AS CLEAR AS DAY: WONKA MURDERED THOSE TERRIBLE CHILDREN.
  2.  
    vote votes
    Eh. I need EVEN more proof than what was handed to me.
  3.  
    vote votes
    He didn't do it and I will forever support Willy Wonka's evil chocolate...even if that means I become an accomplice to MURDER.
  4.  
    vote votes
    There goes BuzzFeed, ruining another movie from my childhood.

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