1. This wake-up call:
Idk who’s coworker needs to hear this.. but you’re not the Manager
2. This mistake:
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
3. This story-listening tool:
I really “damn that’s crazy” my coworker to death all day..even throw in a “wow are you serious?” To spice it up
4. This unappreciated pun:
there's a new guy at work starting called Wayne Bruce and I said "ah, my old nemesis ManBat" and nobody got it honestly i am wasted here
5. This awful advice:
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
6. This good time ruiner:
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
7. This horrifying favor:
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
8. This untrue lyric:
when big Sean said “fuck a vacay i feel better at work” i don’t sing that part.
9. This unspoken rule:
if you ask a coworker “how are you” and they say “well, im here” that loosely translates to “i need you to push me off the roof. we can make it look like an accident. if i die, im finally free. if i live, we’ll sue this place and split the money. please for the love of god help m
10. This cool girl idea:
Ugh I have so much work, I should just gone girl myself
11. This unseen pattern:
*worker quits* Workers: are you gonna replace them, that position was important Company: lol no Workers: is anyone gonna get a raise for picking up their work Company: no *more workers quit* Company: damn, everyone's leaving. That's nuts
12. This hair plea:
“So why should we hire you?” Sir my hair ain’t been done in two months.. please.
13. This inappropriate translation:
How to be a grown up at work: Replace "Fuck you" with "Ok, great"
14. This visual aid:
During my interview today i poured some water into a cup and it overflowed a little bit “Nervous?” asked the interviewer I simply replied, “No I just always give 110%”
15. This awkward interaction:
co-worker: hey- me: what is it I'm very busy co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv [we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
16. This delicate groundwork:
"I feel a little off today." - Me, working on my plan for not being at work tomorrow.
17. This ultimate fantasy:
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
18. This unfortunate reality:
My coworkers in an open-concept office every four minutes
19. And finally, this outright question:
interviewer: ok great, do you have any other questions about the job? me: yes, (folding my hands & leaning in) does it suck ass