23 Perfect Jokes From “Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt”

“If this is your idea of a joke, then you belong in a Woody Allen film because I’m not laughing.”

1. “You look like a million bucks!” “I know you didn’t mean that to be hurtful…”

Netflix / Via BuzzFeed

2. “You bitch!” “A female dog? The thing that makes puppies? Nice compliment!”

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3. “If this is your idea of a joke, then you belong in a Woody Allen film because I’m not laughing.”

Netflix / Via BuzzFeed

4. “There is a girl here who looks like Wendy’s Old-Fashioned Hamburgers.”

 

5. “And her ex-husband died on top of his new wife.” “Like in bunk beds?!”

Netflix

Netflix

 

6. “I got treated better as a werewolf than I ever did as a black man. That’s messed up.”

Netflix / Via BuzzFeed

7. “It’s so funny what people who have never been kidnapped think is scary. Talking crows? I would have LOVED to meet a talking crow!”

Netflix / Via BuzzFeed

8. “My parents are blimping into town tomorrow.”

Netflix / Via BuzzFeed

9. “The last time I had two men fighting over me I was a table at a Fire Island arm-wrestling match.”

Netflix / Via BuzzFeed

10. “Yeah, white people invented that.”

 

11. “High heels were invented by a man, Kimmy. Because no woman ever invented anything.”

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12. “I’m not running a charity here, except the one where I donate my old towels to poor people with the same initials as me.”

Netflix / Via Tumblr

13. “I’ll keep the crowd away like a Greenpeace volunteer.”

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14. “I’m from Connecticut, but my parents insisted all the children learn British. I didn’t speak a word of American until I arrived at college, bro.”

Netflix / Via BuzzFeed

15. “Delivering Chinese food all day can be depressing. Like when people yell out ‘Food’s here!’ as if they have a family, but I know they are alone.”

Netflix / tumblr.com

Netflix / tumblr.com

 

16. “You need to listen to your gut.” “I don’t have a gut, you motherfucker!”

Netflix / Via BuzzFeed

17. “Sorry I don’t know Hanson’s current hits.”

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18.Beyoncé.”

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19. “My first wife turned 50.” “I know. And I would never do that to you.”

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20. “Hashbrown: no filter.”

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21. “I’m pretty but tough, like a diamond. Or beef jerky in a ball gown.”

BuzzFeed / Via pazziie.tumblr.com

22. “1996 called. It want its clothes back.” “2090 called. You’re dead and you wasted your time on Earth.”

23. And this perfect parody of the media.

Netflix / Via BuzzFeed

In conclusion: “Females are strong as hell.”

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