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23 Perfect Jokes From "Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt"

“If this is your idea of a joke, then you belong in a Woody Allen film because I’m not laughing.”

1. “You look like a million bucks!” “I know you didn’t mean that to be hurtful...”

2. "You bitch!" "A female dog? The thing that makes puppies? Nice compliment!"

3. “If this is your idea of a joke, then you belong in a Woody Allen film because I’m not laughing.”

4. “There is a girl here who looks like Wendy’s Old-Fashioned Hamburgers.”

5. "And her ex-husband died on top of his new wife." "Like in bunk beds?!"

6. "I got treated better as a werewolf than I ever did as a black man. That's messed up."

7. "It’s so funny what people who have never been kidnapped think is scary. Talking crows? I would have LOVED to meet a talking crow!"

8. "My parents are blimping into town tomorrow."

9. "The last time I had two men fighting over me I was a table at a Fire Island arm-wrestling match.”

10. "Yeah, white people invented that."

11. "High heels were invented by a man, Kimmy. Because no woman ever invented anything."

12. "I'm not running a charity here, except the one where I donate my old towels to poor people with the same initials as me."

13. "I'll keep the crowd away like a Greenpeace volunteer."

14. "I’m from Connecticut, but my parents insisted all the children learn British. I didn’t speak a word of American until I arrived at college, bro."

15. "Delivering Chinese food all day can be depressing. Like when people yell out 'Food’s here!' as if they have a family, but I know they are alone."

16. “You need to listen to your gut.” “I don’t have a gut, you motherfucker!”

17. "Sorry I don’t know Hanson's current hits."

18. Beyoncé.”

19. "My first wife turned 50." "I know. And I would never do that to you."

20. “Hashbrown: no filter.”

21. "I'm pretty but tough, like a diamond. Or beef jerky in a ball gown."

22. “1996 called. It want its clothes back.” “2090 called. You’re dead and you wasted your time on Earth.”

23. And this perfect parody of the media.

In conclusion: "Females 👏 are 👏 strong 👏 as 👏 hell."