1. “You look like a million bucks!” “I know you didn’t mean that to be hurtful…”
3. “If this is your idea of a joke, then you belong in a Woody Allen film because I’m not laughing.”
6. “I got treated better as a werewolf than I ever did as a black man. That’s messed up.”
7. “It’s so funny what people who have never been kidnapped think is scary. Talking crows? I would have LOVED to meet a talking crow!”
8. “My parents are blimping into town tomorrow.”
9. “The last time I had two men fighting over me I was a table at a Fire Island arm-wrestling match.”
11. “High heels were invented by a man, Kimmy. Because no woman ever invented anything.”
12. “I’m not running a charity here, except the one where I donate my old towels to poor people with the same initials as me.”
13. “I’ll keep the crowd away like a Greenpeace volunteer.”
14. “I’m from Connecticut, but my parents insisted all the children learn British. I didn’t speak a word of American until I arrived at college, bro.”
16. “You need to listen to your gut.” “I don’t have a gut, you motherfucker!”
17. “Sorry I don’t know Hanson’s current hits.”
19. “My first wife turned 50.” “I know. And I would never do that to you.”
20. “Hashbrown: no filter.”
23. And this perfect parody of the media.
In conclusion: “Females are strong as hell.”
- Actor Bill Paxton has died at 61. He starred in classic films including "Twister," "Titanic," and "Aliens."
- Over two dozen people were injured after a truck crashed into a crowd at a Mardi Gras parade, New Orleans police said.
- Moderate to severe coral bleaching continues to affect the Great Barrier Reef almost a year after the worst bleaching crisis in history.
- Here's the beef: Rapper Remy Ma dragged Nicki Minaj in a new diss track, and she fired back with a Beyoncé endorsement 😱