1. “You look like a million bucks!” “I know you didn’t mean that to be hurtful…”
3. “If this is your idea of a joke, then you belong in a Woody Allen film because I’m not laughing.”
6. “I got treated better as a werewolf than I ever did as a black man. That’s messed up.”
7. “It’s so funny what people who have never been kidnapped think is scary. Talking crows? I would have LOVED to meet a talking crow!”
8. “My parents are blimping into town tomorrow.”
9. “The last time I had two men fighting over me I was a table at a Fire Island arm-wrestling match.”
11. “High heels were invented by a man, Kimmy. Because no woman ever invented anything.”
12. “I’m not running a charity here, except the one where I donate my old towels to poor people with the same initials as me.”
13. “I’ll keep the crowd away like a Greenpeace volunteer.”
14. “I’m from Connecticut, but my parents insisted all the children learn British. I didn’t speak a word of American until I arrived at college, bro.”
16. “You need to listen to your gut.” “I don’t have a gut, you motherfucker!”
17. “Sorry I don’t know Hanson’s current hits.”
19. “My first wife turned 50.” “I know. And I would never do that to you.”
20. “Hashbrown: no filter.”
23. And this perfect parody of the media.
In conclusion: “Females are strong as hell.”
- The 36 victims in the Oakland warehouse fire were trapped with "no way out" in America's deadliest blaze in over a decade.
- Donald Trump has picked former WWE CEO Linda McMahon to lead the Small Business Administration.
- Tennessee authorities have charged two minors with starting the massive wildfires that killed 14 people last month.
- This dad had the most adorable freak out to his family when he met his first alpaca 😂