So! The world has really kicked us all collectively in the shins, hasn't it? What with its inability to be all rainbows, unicorns, and happy-good-times 24/7. And on top of that we have to somehow navigate our everyday, insignificant life-stuff while worrying about the future. Makes it hard to stay positive or live a very productive life.
How does one keep feeling their sunshine-y best and doing what's good for them when everyone is the worst, people are terrible, life gets in the way, things are unfair, and oftentimes stuff never, ever works out the way you want it to? Easy: through song and a bit of delusion!
And Garfunkel and Oates? Well, they're sort of like a duo of stringed instrument-slingin' spirit guides, bridging the gap between the absurdity of life and how we all feel. In fact, we daresay their songs are a how-to guide to life. Even if, say, some of the advice is less than ideal. So, with their songs as your guide: don't stop being cool!
Here's How To Actually Get Out of Bed Every Day
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Waking up? A total drag, well, pretty much always. But if you simply imagine that your life is some sort of secretly amazing musical, it helps.
Here's How to Keep The Delusion Of Your Self-Worth Alive
Look at us! Unique lil' nonsensical snowflakes bumbling around on this big weird space marble. What does it all mean? Who gives a shit; as long as you fill yourself with the sort of saccharine-laced, frenetic glee that blocks any sort of negativity from your general radar.
Here's How To Kick-Start Your Self Esteem
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Upset that you can't seem to rock the sort of boss lady (or dude) confidence of non-mortals? Here, Abby Elliott and Sugar Lyn Beard — the Garfunkel and Oates porn parody group known as Garfinger and Butts — show everyone a great way to gain confidence and get out of that funk — by getting some spu... oh, OK, so maybe positing one's self-esteem on your ability to have sex with another person isn't the best advice.
Alternatively, you could writhe around your room pretending to be a porn star or some music video fly girl. You'd be surprised at how empowering it feels.
Here's How To Reconcile Those Major Social Boo-Boos.
So: you've met someone (at a meeting, at a party, at the grocery store around the corner) and you can't remember their name — even though they totally remember yours because of course they do — and now everything's an awkward soft-shoe sorta dance as you shuffle the conversation in such a way to try and figure it out.
Well — don't feel bad about it! It's totally them, not you.
Here's How You Self-Motivate To Go After Your Dreams
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Your dreams are deep-fried and your life is extra-crispy. Besides, eating is so much easier than feeling. Now FLY!
Here's How To Get Over Your Significant Other
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Downside: you are likely to live the rest of your life alone and without any sort of intimate companionship. Upside: no more underwear on the floor! See? We told you there was a silver lining to everything.
(...OK so maybe this one's just really sad.)
Here's How To Break Up With The Person You're Casually Dating
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Sometimes being an adult is really hard, and emotional, and just all around annoying. Particularly when it comes to relationships. So why not, in lieu of dealing with all of those things, simply burn out and/or fade away from your casual lover?
After all, their feelings are no longer your concern now, so who cares if it's callous and also mean? THE WORLD IS CALLOUS AND MEAN. If anything you're doing them a favor and teaching a lesson. (Yeah? Anyone believing that? Anyone? ...Maybe?)
Here's How To Make The Best Out Of A Bad Night Out
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So you went out happy hour-ing with your friends to drink away the depressing reality of existence when suddenly, everything (and everyone, it seems) at the bar changes. Do you leave? (But you managed to snag a table!) Do you give up on the night? (Like we said before: table!) Nay!
You embrace that shit and do as the Romans do: turn into a douche ex machina. Ain't no amount of Axe Body Spray gonna rain on your parade!
Here's How To Give 'Em The Hard Pass
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Oh no: it's that one person that always hits on you (and has slept with half the people you know) but clearly has no regard for you as a person. Sure, it's been awhile, but now is not the time for such dumpster diving! Not to say that the stars won't align at a later date (emotional beat downs are aplenty these days). At last: this song tells you the perfect way to be let 'em down easy while also leaving that door open!
And Last But Not Least: Here's How To Get Some Perspective
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Lose your job? Worried you won't make rent? Did a family member die trying to make things better for others? Man, some days it just feels like the world is there for the sole purpose of kicking you down.
But hey, at least you're not a wealthy one percenter-American getting crapped on by the mainstream media, just trying to get by on your measly millions, but failing to make more and secure a future where it's impossible for the middle and lower class to become upwardly mobile. See? Just be satisfied with what you have! Things could always be worse, you guys. Don't be all whiny: what are you, fuckin' Detroit?
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