A Day In The Life Of The “Ascension Millennium,” According To Corey Feldman

The “Ascension Millennium” has everything: nonsensical lyrics, sexy angels, a Sean Astin cameo, product placement, all of the fedoras because of course, and the never-ending Michael Jackson impersonation that is Corey Feldman’s life.

If you had any doubts that the 80s made weirdos out of us all, allow Corey Feldman to show you the light. Feldman has made an entire career out of being a bit of an era novelty in that sad clown painting sort of way, but what we didn’t know is that it also made him a bit of a philosopher. Just look at the description for the video itself:

“Join Corey as he takes you on a musical journey through his “Feldmansion” in this Day in the Life Adventure. Flanked by 2 of “Corey’s Angels” he dances and sings his way through scenes featuring his pal Sean Astin from “The Goonies” to a MJ style dance sequence, and eventually to his recording studio which shakes and crumbles to become a concert Stadium where he performs.Ascension Millennium (the brand new single from Coreys upcoming solo album) premiered on MTV on July 1st 2013 and within hrs had reached the coveted “Buzzworthy” status. Within its 1st week exclusively on MTV it gained 250,000 views world wide. Now ITS YOURS! Welcome to the Dawn…..and ASCEND!”

(And yes, all of that is [sic].)

Naturally, this leads us to ponder what it means to ASCEND! into such a world. What does a day in this brave new world really look like? Thankfully, Feldman’s provided us with a glimpse at the answers.

2. According to Corey Feldman, the ascension millennium is all about bathrobes…

Corey Feldman is surrounded by so many sex-crazed angels who do it under halos, DUH, he had to get a custom bathrobe made.

3. …so that he may wander around his house looking at all of his angels in style.

4. In the ascension millennium, there are many angels.

All of them scantily-clad women. Just like in the bible!

5. So many angels. Real guardian types.

“Here is how you walk down stairs, Corey Feldman.”

6. What’s cool, though, is that Sean Astin is there.

Because Goonies never say die. And they always carry scrolls.

7. Midday calls for a pool party.

Complete with dolphins, glittery-vested child dancers, and branding. Lots and lots of branding.

8. Because in the ascension millennium, we all survive on energy drinks alone.

I just do what Vlado tells me.

9. Afternoons in the ascension millenium call for a quick Michael Jackson homage.

Dance like nobody’s watching. Let your glittering fedora (and sweet moves) do the talking.

10. This kid’s having the best ascension millennium, like, ever.

11. The hardest working folks get breakfast for dinner.

All personal chefs are required to wear protective eyewear in this new age.

12. Unfortunately, watching television becomes increasingly difficult.

“Why didn’t my DVR record the ‘Keeping Up With The Kardashians’ Season 921 premiere?!”

13. Every home comes with its own band.

Perfect for all those impromptu rock-outs. (Awesome poster not included.)

14. And you end every day with a standing ovation.

Sometimes you just have to sing out your feelings to a photo of a bunch of people in an arena.

Man, this ascension millennium is going to be the best one EVER!

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