Another week, another trillion brain cells lost to the endless scroll of Twitter dot com. But those brain cells did not die in vain — I found the 43 funniest tweets by women this week!
As always, make sure you follow these funny ladies on Twitter!
1.
sure sex is great but have you ever been in your 40s and taken an advil?
2.
My tombstone will read: “thanks so much either way!” unless that doesn’t work, and if not no worries!
3.
my tummy hurts. pretty sure 40oz of coffee will fix it
4.
cavemen and women referring to hunting and gathering as "adulting"
5.
important to read your baby nursery rhymes so she’ll have correct opinions about centuries-old British political figures
6.
ooh i love a personality test
7.
I know I should say I love all my local news anchors the same, but I do have a favorite.
8.
My husband to 9yo: What did you have for lunch at camp today? 9yo: Untitled meat.
9.
need to know what has to be wrong with you to earnestly wish a celeb a happy bday on twitter...can science tell us
10.
The thing about mountains is I’m going to take a picture that I’ll never look at again.
11.
me: haha did u see this article about western women traveling to Seoul to meet Korean men? mom: [gestures at dad] tell them they can have him!
12.
tweeting on a giant imac makes me feel like a soviet nuclear engineer
13.
mom, dad, :) i’d like you to meet my *forgets gender neutral term for boyfriend* uuuuh collaborator
14.
the entire concept of passports is weird, you try to visit a slightly different piece of the planet you were born on and then somebody goes "woah woah woah, first I need to see a very small booklet"
15.
The thing about jumpsuits is that every time you pee your tits are like YOOOOO
16.
my husband RAN—I mean absolutely sprinted—in from the garden, yelling my name, at 8 am, so he could show me this tomato. happy saturday
17.
me after bombing in front of 20 people: what I need is a bigger audience
18.
They should make the next James Bond someone marginalized…like a tik tok star ❤️ just a thought
19.
Cocktails????? You had me at cock!!!!!
20.
Crying in public is wild. One time I was out to dinner with my parents and we got into a fight and I was sobbing at the table and then the waiter came over and was like “so which dessert was our favorite!?” And between sobs I was like, “the pudding.”
21.
TFW you're helping your child search for a McDonalds toy you know damn well you threw out two days ago
22.
Watch this conservative lifted truck absolutely DESTROY liberal elite low-clearance overpass
23.
If I was a scientist every time someone did something I didn’t like I would just put it in the DSM-V
24.
if something i bought at the grocery store is made of glass i’m like i can’t throw that away that’s an antique
25.
that's my emotional support room-temperature iced coffee with an inch of water floating on top
26.
would you rather jump into burning lava or date a guy who calls women “mid”
27.
I hate when people say they don't want to bribe their kids. You have to buy an iced coffee every time you grocery shop and you think you can create a sufficiently motivating inner desire for a 3yo to clean up their toys?
28.
men used to command armies now they have podcasts about being alpha males sponsored by audible
29.
just saw a tiktok of a cake being cut and it’s actually a watermelon with some kind of topping on it and the fitness queen birthday girl was so excited and let me just say that if anyone ever does that to me i’m walking out of the restaurant and possibly setting it on fire
30.
A weighted blanket is not enough I need a hydraulic press
31.
One thing they don’t tell you about the rubber Birkenstocks is that they turn into personal slip and slides for your feet in the rain.
32.
Mix things up by putting framed quotes meant for the kitchen into the bathroom
33.
CVS texts me about my prescriptions with the frequency of a teenager going through a bad breakup, and while sure, I love the messy drama about my out-of-stock lisinopril, I’m one message away from ghosting this needy corporation.
34.
whenever i switch sleep positions i’m like this one’s gonna be huge for me
35.
One of the benefits to having kids that people don’t really talk about is that your kid can be the one to go up to the Costco sample person so you don’t have to make small talk.
36.
writing a cover letter is so debasing like can i just give the hiring manager a blowjob instead
37.
a bit in love with the way wealthy children describe their mothers’ mental illness & ailments in older books…. it’s always like “we mustn’t bother mother. she’s taken to bed with one of her colorstorms”
38.
I’m writing a scholarly essay on the devastating effects of no one liking your tweet.
39.
i love when NASA just tweets something like “Check this out — space sounds like the wailing of billions of souls trapped forever in Hell! They are calling for your blood! Wow!” https://t.co/VSv3Meql8D
40.
love the east coast i can’t believe old money is real and not just something lana del rey invented as a joke
41.
Me: I don’t know why my computer’s running so slow My computer:
42.
I need three day weekends every week bc I need a day of complete and utter rotting, a day of cleaning, and a day of activities
43.
i don't want to work. i want to eat prosciutto.
Don't miss the funniest tweets by women from the past few weeks:
— These 42 Funny Tweets By Women Are Piss-Your-Pants Level Hysterical (8/16/22)
— Members Of The Jury, These 40 Hilarious Tweets Will PROVE That Women Are The Funniest People On Earth (8/12/22)
— 31 Hysterical Tweets By Women That Made Me Snort With Laughter This Week (8/4/22)