Since 2021, I've kept a spreadsheet of every joke and pun I think of. Some of them aren't full thoughts, most of them are nonsense, and pretty much all of them are bad (bordering on criminal).
I'm tired of hiding these monstrosities in a doc where no one will ever see them. So today I'm gifting the world are 17 of the best (worst) puns for your enjoyment. You're welcome!!!
1. No matter how hard I try, I can’t stop watching HGTV. I think I have Stock Home Syndrome.
2. The day after animals took over the kingdom, it was all over the news. "It's reigning cats and dogs," wrote the New Pork Times (the pigsty of record).
3. How do I maintain my successful shellfish empire as I become more forgetful with age? Easy — it’s all mussel memory!
4. Did you hear about the man who married a mosquito? He was bitten by the love bug!
5. Mini hands make light work!
6. Did you hear about the drunk orchestra leader? He was charged with disorderly conduct.
7. Some people call a man who "tells it to ya straight" a sensible dick, but I call that a logical phallusy.
8. Q: What does an etiquette instructor say when they compliment a student's polite but unenthusiastic greeting?
A: “Well that’s a fine how-do-you-do!”
9. Did you hear the one about a piece of dried beef? He was acting kind of jerk-y!
10. "Take that sucker!" I shout at my friend, as I chuck a lollipop at his face.
11. If Amelia Bedelia went to a recording studio...
Sound engineer: Excellent recording session today, Amelia. No notes!
Amelia Bedelia: Then how will I play my music?!
12. Q: How did the furniture maker explain that he doesn't really care about small design details?
A: "I don’t focus on the little things; I'm more of an IKEA guy."
13. Did you hear about the depressed crayon? He's very blue.
14. A mob boss threatening Stephen King: “That’s a mighty fine alien clown ya got there. Sure would be a shame if something happened to IT.”
15. Q: What was the last line on the invitation to my Pythagorean theorem party?
A: "Be there or b2!"