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    Gather 'Round, Pun Aficionados! These 17 Hilarious One-Liners (Pun-Liners?) From My Silly Little Brain Will Make You Roar With Delight

    How do I maintain my successful shellfish empire as I become more forgetful with age? Easy — it’s all mussel memory!

    Since 2021, I've kept a spreadsheet of every joke and pun I think of. Some of them aren't full thoughts, most of them are nonsense, and pretty much all of them are bad (bordering on criminal).

    screenshot of the excel sheet

    I'm tired of hiding these monstrosities in a doc where no one will ever see them. So today I'm gifting the world are 17 of the best (worst) puns for your enjoyment. You're welcome!!!

    1. No matter how hard I try, I can’t stop watching HGTV. I think I have Stock Home Syndrome.

    the property brother mid-jump

    2. The day after animals took over the kingdom, it was all over the news. "It's reigning cats and dogs," wrote the New Pork Times (the pigsty of record).

    3. How do I maintain my successful shellfish empire as I become more forgetful with age? Easy — it’s all mussel memory!

    4. Did you hear about the man who married a mosquito? He was bitten by the love bug!

    woman with a flirty look

    5. Mini hands make light work!

    6. Did you hear about the drunk orchestra leader? He was charged with disorderly conduct.

    7. Some people call a man who "tells it to ya straight" a sensible dick, but I call that a logical phallusy.

    closeup of two women laughing

    8. Q: What does an etiquette instructor say when they compliment a student's polite but unenthusiastic greeting?

    A: “Well that’s a fine how-do-you-do!”

    9. Did you hear the one about a piece of dried beef? He was acting kind of jerk-y!

    10. "Take that sucker!" I shout at my friend, as I chuck a lollipop at his face.

    two men laughing with holding lollipops

    11. If Amelia Bedelia went to a recording studio...

    Sound engineer: Excellent recording session today, Amelia. No notes!

    Amelia Bedelia: Then how will I play my music?!

    12. Q: How did the furniture maker explain that he doesn't really care about small design details?

    A: "I don’t focus on the little things; I'm more of an IKEA guy."

    13. Did you hear about the depressed crayon? He's very blue.

    14. A mob boss threatening Stephen King: “That’s a mighty fine alien clown ya got there. Sure would be a shame if something happened to IT.”

    closeup of a creepy clown

    15. Q: What was the last line on the invitation to my Pythagorean theorem party?

    A: "Be there or b2!"

    16. "I'm just Josh in ya!" exclaimed Josh, who just whimsically inserted his penis into his sexual partner.

    17. A friend of mine is addicted to buying beachfront real estate on a remote island. She Zelles Seychelles by the seashore!

    beach