When I was on Tinder, I sent this pickup line to every match: "Are you a Great Depression era public works project named after President Hoover? Because DAM!!" It never worked, and I'm not on dating apps anymore because I know when something isn't the right fit.
All this to say, I admire Liz Truss for saying, "You know what? Never mind!" and peacing out after just 44 days as Prime Minister. And I'll admire all of YOU if you follow these funny ladies on Twitter!
1.
when a man is annoying me, i hate that. but when i am annoying to a man, i think that’s something to get excited about
2.
Nice of my daughter to bring a sandwich to school every day so it can have a little visit before she comes home to throw it in the trash.
3.
as a hater, i’m so happy tom brady came out of retirement. watching him go out sad is even better than i could have imagined
4.
If I was a marriage counselor, I would make the couple each use ANY dating app for 3 minutes.
5.
Kronk from The Emperor's New Groove would absolutely CLEAN HOUSE as a Love Island contestant.
6.
(flirting with a short king) hiiiii pspspsps
7.
I’m totally fine with emails. My only issue is when they get sent to me, personally
8.
It's that time of year again when I try to get Ichabod trending as a baby name. What's it going to take?
9.
"nice ends. do they justify the means?" send tweet. (turning to executioner) do i get a last dm as well?
10.
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
11.
As an Arab, I have to ask: Is Britain ready for democracy?
12.
[some Mesopotamian in 2500BCE, drunk as hell and about to invent glass]: dude what do you think would happen if I cooked this big pile of sand
13.
my friend told me that she thought the lower the number on rotten tomatoes the better the movie. she thought a high percentage meant the movies had a higher chance of being a ‘rotten tomato’ 😭
14.
Men be like “you’ve been different ever since I disrespected you”
15.
Received this at my grandmas funeral. What an icon.
16.
two incomes is better than one. make sure ur mans got two jobs, stay up queens!
17.
*me sitting like a cooked shrimp* why does my back hurt
18.
I faked passed out and my 3 year old daughter didn't call 911.., she punched me in my face and yelled "you can't die right now that's ridiculous!" 😭😭😭
19.
tbt to when i accidentally booked a non-refundable hotel and i was trying to get exp*dia to cancel it like 2 minutes after booking and they said, “no… but we can change the date” so i asked them to change it to the year 2099 and they just refunded me 😭
20.
one thing about me, i'm not gonna read the room. i will however fill it with my presence. your mom died? mine didn't. and i went to the beach yesterday.
21.
your honor, we the jury find that the defendant... is "giving guilty"
22.
Brand-new Brand-new white shirt relationship 🤝 Absolutely going to ruin it after some red wine
23.
I miss the days when evil twins were identifiable by goatees.
24.
“1 block away!!” is not a distance… it is not an ETA……. it is a state of mind, a state of being… spiritually I am very near to you but physically?? I will be there in 12 minutes
25.
taking an e-nap (scrolling on my phone in bed)
26.
(having the worst, most graphic intrusive thought i‘ve had in a long, long time) ok now do a silly one
27.
It's so funny living in a human body. Hearing stuff like "if you don't get 8 hours of sleep a night, your chances of a heart attack by 60 go up 3000%. Also here's a list of things that can keep you up: a bit of noise from another room. A car driving by. A single, strange thought"
28.
One of y’all son’s has a crush on my daughter and gave her his glasses today. His prescription glasses that he cannot see without. Just like a boy doing anything to impress a girl. Giving up the gift of sight is crazy 😂😩
29.
“Sometimes I feel like everybody is a sexy baby and I'm a monster on the hill” is how I feel every day watching the hot trendy youths in bella hadid outfits on tiktok while I stare from afar in my cloak like an old witch