They Say Laughter Is The Best Medicine, So I'm Prescribing 31 Funny Tweets By The Women Of Twitter To Cure All Of Society's Ills

    "since we can't use those beer rings anymore i've been choking turtles with my bare hands" —@Tanya_Sabrinaaa

    David S. Pumpkins once asked, "Any questions?" And that's the beauty of philosophy; sometimes the question is the answer.

    What you should really be asking is: "How quickly can I follow all of these funny women on Twitter?"


    went to the doctor. got destroyed.

    Twitter: @karencheee


    we are the daughters of the bajas you couldn’t blast

    Twitter: @Ewelannawhite


    my son really made me ask his dad for something he wanted because I “knew him longer”

    Twitter: @NoEmmeG


    once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like "well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked." and then my dad said "one time I saw the devil"

    Twitter: @Kaitlin_M_Ruiz


    I never thought I would change my name when I got married— I was the first (medical) Dr. Newton in my family and I’m very proud of that. But, when presented with the opportunity to say “Hi, I’m Dr. Sleeper and I’ll be your anesthesiologist,” I just couldn’t pass it up!

    Twitter: @LindsayPNewton


    Twitter: @IrenaBuzarewicz


    My flight was delayed a few times, the pilot just got on and apologized and said “Don’t worry about the time folks we’re gonna fly this thing like we stole it.” 💀

    Twitter: @DivaLaci


    My son wasn’t behaving last night and felt guilty afterwards so he offered some suggestions for fair punishments which included 1) “only allowed to play baby video games” and 2) “have nowhere to live for four days”

    Twitter: @missmulrooney


    I can understand why chickens wake up and scream

    Twitter: @babyariees


    a guy trying to get me to come over using voter registration as his ruse is NOT something i had on my 2022 bingo card but here we are

    Twitter: @hayleygriggz


    men shouldn’t be allowed to use car horns. like haven’t we heard enough from u

    Twitter: @_chase_____


    burning sage & my mama talm bout, "I can’t breathe😭". I bet you can’t demon

    Twitter: @realmainfeeling


    existential angst Smashmouth 🤝 the years start coming and they don’t stop coming

    Twitter: @ElyKreimendahl


    Parents PLEASE check your kid’s candy this Halloween. I just found some Necco Wafers that my kid could have eaten and gotten sick, because they’re gross. Be careful!!

    Twitter: @missmulrooney


    Everyone’s making jokes about finding things in their kids’ Halloween candy, but one year, there was a lollipop in my son’s bag with a QR code for some dude’s screenplay. Terrifying.

    Twitter: @Gennefer


    too cringe for New York, too based for LA, just enough of a hater for Boston Massachusetts

    Twitter: @tmavuram


    since we can't use those beer rings anymore i've been choking turtles with my bare hands

    Twitter: @Tanya_Sabrinaaa


    Transphobe: "You have the bones of a man!" Me, sweating as I hide the conspicuous pile of dirt in my backyard: "What? N-no I don't."

    Twitter: @Ranting_Trans


    Unpleasant machine. What if you were skiing away from a serial killer but your skis weren't laced. A very bad feeling

    Twitter: @rajandelman


    i hate when i’m in the car turnt & somebody call me🙄 i'm in the STUDIO wtf you want😭

    Twitter: @miacsosa


    Therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session

    Twitter: @Noorthevirgo


    I’m at the age where checking Gmail is part of my social media routine

    Twitter: @babyariees


    i can't stop using this emoji 🫡 it just works after every sentence idk like "i picked up toilet paper on the way home 🫡" or "i need to be violently railed this very moment 🫡" it's so versatile

    Twitter: @zephanijong


    Hello Arthur first time caller. How exactly are you listening to anything

    PBS / Via Twitter: @BrotiGupta


    My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby

    Twitter: @ginnyhogan_


    I don’t necessarily believe in astrology but the second a man calls it cringe I’m ideologically a Taurus

    Twitter: @kiranmayeet


    my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask

    Twitter: @dietz_meredith


    I’ve already had to block someone (a man) who followed me and immediately slid into my DMs to “make me laugh” all before 8am. Spooky season truly is upon us.

    Twitter: @Ciarabelles


    Delighted to announce I'm the first in my family to complete an improv program.

    Twitter: @BlayrAustin


    and is gut health in the room with us right now?

    Twitter: @angvaj


    trader joes exec 1: pistachios without the shell, we could call them shelled pistachios trader joes exec 2 (very very horny, like the most horny): no, no, that won't do

    Twitter: @lizzzzzielogan

    Don't miss last week's funniest tweets by women!

    26 Funny Tweets By Women That Made Me Positively Quake With Laughter