David S. Pumpkins once asked, "Any questions?" And that's the beauty of philosophy; sometimes the question is the answer.
What you should really be asking is: "How quickly can I follow all of these funny women on Twitter?"
1.
went to the doctor. got destroyed.
2.
we are the daughters of the bajas you couldn’t blast
3.
my son really made me ask his dad for something he wanted because I “knew him longer”
4.
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like "well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked." and then my dad said "one time I saw the devil"
5.
I never thought I would change my name when I got married— I was the first (medical) Dr. Newton in my family and I’m very proud of that. But, when presented with the opportunity to say “Hi, I’m Dr. Sleeper and I’ll be your anesthesiologist,” I just couldn’t pass it up!
6.
It's the cat's birthday
7.
My flight was delayed a few times, the pilot just got on and apologized and said “Don’t worry about the time folks we’re gonna fly this thing like we stole it.” 💀
8.
My son wasn’t behaving last night and felt guilty afterwards so he offered some suggestions for fair punishments which included 1) “only allowed to play baby video games” and 2) “have nowhere to live for four days”
9.
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
10.
a guy trying to get me to come over using voter registration as his ruse is NOT something i had on my 2022 bingo card but here we are
11.
men shouldn’t be allowed to use car horns. like haven’t we heard enough from u
12.
burning sage & my mama talm bout, "I can’t breathe😭". I bet you can’t demon
13.
existential angst Smashmouth 🤝 the years start coming and they don’t stop coming
14.
Parents PLEASE check your kid’s candy this Halloween. I just found some Necco Wafers that my kid could have eaten and gotten sick, because they’re gross. Be careful!!
15.
Everyone’s making jokes about finding things in their kids’ Halloween candy, but one year, there was a lollipop in my son’s bag with a QR code for some dude’s screenplay. Terrifying.
16.
too cringe for New York, too based for LA, just enough of a hater for Boston Massachusetts
17.
since we can't use those beer rings anymore i've been choking turtles with my bare hands
18.
Transphobe: "You have the bones of a man!" Me, sweating as I hide the conspicuous pile of dirt in my backyard: "What? N-no I don't."
19.
Unpleasant machine. What if you were skiing away from a serial killer but your skis weren't laced. A very bad feeling
20.
i hate when i’m in the car turnt & somebody call me🙄 i'm in the STUDIO wtf you want😭
21.
Therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
22.
I’m at the age where checking Gmail is part of my social media routine
23.
i can't stop using this emoji 🫡 it just works after every sentence idk like "i picked up toilet paper on the way home 🫡" or "i need to be violently railed this very moment 🫡" it's so versatile
24.
Hello Arthur first time caller. How exactly are you listening to anything https://t.co/SBXose9r4u
25.
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
26.
I don’t necessarily believe in astrology but the second a man calls it cringe I’m ideologically a Taurus
27.
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
28.
I’ve already had to block someone (a man) who followed me and immediately slid into my DMs to “make me laugh” all before 8am. Spooky season truly is upon us.
29.
Delighted to announce I'm the first in my family to complete an improv program.
30.
and is gut health in the room with us right now?
31.
trader joes exec 1: pistachios without the shell, we could call them shelled pistachios trader joes exec 2 (very very horny, like the most horny): no, no, that won't do
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