A large portion of the US is currently enjoying false spring #2 right now, which is in between second and third winter. If you're one of the lucky ones, go spend some time in the sun while you can!!
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1.
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
2.
if you wanna get over a man just watch him eat
3.
hey video game developers why do you put a waterfall in your game if there is no secret passage behind it? to make a fool out of me? to mock me?
4.
Every day it’s like “turns out this guy we thought was bare minimum fine is actually a huge piece of shit. Here’s where you can stream his upcoming project”
5.
netflix and chill is over it's time to hbo max and climax
6.
"young people can't buy homes because they'd rather buy big fancy TVs" I am begging older generations to understand that televisions have gone from "a thing that costs 4 months' salary" to "a thing you get for free when your roommate moves and can't be bothered to take it"
7.
surgeon asking his boss if he can do a procedure outside
8.
gotta apologize to male authors because I just walked down the stairs and it turns out my chest did actually breast boobily
9.
Deeply haunted by a study that found human beings are *less than 50% accurate* in determining whether they are being flirted with.
10.
janelle monae finally showing off how fine she is instead of dressing like the monopoly man
11.
trans people: im trans society: ok cheap bluetooth headphones: Power on. Connected
12.
23 yr old just came up to me and said “hope it’s ok that I say this but I’m really into older women” so excuse me while I go kms
13.
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
14.
i'm gonna quit writing cause i'm never gonna top prince harry's "time would heal my todger. when would it work on my heart?"
15.
Never ceases to be funny that “All-Star,” sung by a group of super bro-y, burly dudes, includes the line “you’ll never shine if you don’t glow.” It’s like they ran out of lyrics and a My Little Pony episode was on in the background.
16.
my favorite sex position is seeing them happy
17.
i know i’m hot bc people complain about how i speak in every single video meaning they were watching it for my looks
18.
We need a slur for people wearing Apple Watches
19.
Sent my mom a pic of me in my wedding dress and she just wrote back “call me.” But… but… I don’t wanna… 😳
20.
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
21.
if i am in an uber or taxi or lyft i agree with every single thing the driver says. today a driver i had told me working out is the best pharmaceutical and that our bodies are pharmaceutical companies that pump out the best drugs and i said “absolutely true”
22.
Please don't take the internet's last textual platform from me. I don't want to do the thing where I film little videos of me pointing at words
23.
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman