26 Incomprehensibly Hysterical Tweets By Literally The Funniest Women In The Universe
"Middle names are so funny. It’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret, and it kind of has to be Marie" —@_chase_____
At least 75% of Twitter this week is preoccupied with the lost submersible and orca attacks, which is especially fun for people like me who don't wish to contemplate the unfathomable depths and mysteries of the ocean.
kylie jenner was able to find kim's diamond earring in the ocean so i feel like we really need to send her out there to look for this submersible
— Edmée Jorge (@edmeejorge) June 21, 2023
As long as you remain on dry land, make sure you follow all these hilarious ladies on Twitter!
1.
just unfollowed someone because she won’t stop posting her ugly boyfriend, I’m sorry you settled but I do not have to go down with this ship
— stoned cold fox (@roastmalone_) June 18, 2023
2.
My 75-year-old mother just informed me that she is going to her first "sex party" and doesn't know what to bring.
— mariana Z (@mariana057) June 20, 2023
After some awkward questions, I said, "Gender reveal. You're going to a gender reveal."
3.
one time i was in central park and overheard a man saying he got reprimanded in an online birdwatching group for posting too common of a bird
— chase (@_chase_____) June 17, 2023
4.
Yesterday, I spent about a good two hours cooking. I’m in there slicing, dicing, sautéing, and seasoning up a storm and babbbyyy when I tell you that shit was ass!!!! I’m going to go back to leaving feeding me up to the professionals.
— Suite Life of Zack & Codeine (@Kyla_Lacey) June 19, 2023
5.
just had sex that was so bad that I almost drafted an angry group email to all of his ex girlfriends asking them if they wanna unionize
— abby govindan (@abbygov) June 18, 2023
6.
the concept of “dressing your age” is ridiculous. I’m gonna dress like an old witch who cursed her entire seaside town
— ely kreimendahl (@ElyKreimendahl) June 21, 2023
7.
people say women are dramatic but have you ever seen a man get woken up in the middle of the night
— nika (@nikalamity) June 15, 2023
8.
imagine finding out ur bf is cheating on u cuz ur fitbits are connected and u get a notification congratulating u for burning 500 calories at 4am thats INSAAAANEEEEE 💀
— 𝐂𝐥𝐚𝐢𝐫𝐞🔪 (@G1RLMILK_) June 16, 2023
9.
My phone autocorrected ‘plumber’ to ‘lover’ and now i’m not sure if he’s coming for the toilet’s plumbing or mine
— I Hide From My Kids (@IHideFromMyKids) June 15, 2023
10.
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
— danielle weisberg (@danielleweisber) June 22, 2023
11.
Some were yelling because quantum, some because physics, and some because Princeton, I will not tell you who was who
— Catherine Slaughter 🔭 (@CatieSlaughts) June 15, 2023
12.
Saw this very large painting at the thrift store today, and words failed me. pic.twitter.com/qcVbdiXQBO
— Amy Colleen (@sewistwrites) June 21, 2023
13.
Some random number just texted me like “Why are you calling my boyfriend?” and I texted back all “I’m definitely a middle age married lesbian who only uses the phone to call my grandma. Also if your boyfriend is cheating on you, break up with him!!! This is a sign!”
— Heather Hogan (@theheatherhogan) June 16, 2023
14.
give me 30mg adderall and some goggles and i will find the submarine
— 𝐟𝐨𝐫𝐦𝐞𝐫 𝐥𝐨𝐜𝐚𝐥 𝐜𝐥𝐮𝐛 𝐩𝐫𝐨𝐦𝐨𝐭𝐞𝐫 (@edmsillygoose) June 21, 2023
15.
My 1st year of college, all the boys in my dorm were obsessed with this one girl. She was cute, but I didn’t understand the obsession. Then, one explained that she laughed at everything any guy said. I was jealous, but I thought about it long & hard and decided…not worth it
— Ginny Hogan_ (@ginnyhogan_) June 18, 2023
16.
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
— Kim (@timeistheenemy) June 15, 2023
17.
i feel like this whole orca uprising thing is kind of our bad for naming them killer whales. a real "if you build it they will come" scenario.
— Meg Reid (@meg_it_happen) June 15, 2023
18.
I can’t stop laughing I got humbled so hard he’s really defying the odds over here
— faye (@fayemikah) June 19, 2023
19.
Huge trend in nyc among girls with wavy brown curly hair is wearing it half up in a scrunchie half down, half moon/croissant sort of 90s homage handbag, the little 90s sunglasses, big pants, massive oversized leather blazers - especially from behind , an army of little Elaines
— 🔎Al🔍 (@SweatieAngle) June 16, 2023
20.
The story about the submarine has made me thankful for my Generalized Anxiety Disorder because I would simply, and I cannot emphasize this enough, never
— Taylor Schumann (@taylorsschumann) June 20, 2023
21.
i love when i come home & put on my adam sandler clothes
— viviana (@beebeeanaa) June 20, 2023
22.
A bit I love that has never once gotten a laugh is anytime someone says “my ex wife” I stop them and go, you mean our ex wife
— ellory smith (@ellorysmith) June 21, 2023
23.
the dog i’m taking care of hates the dog next door and that dog has a fountain in his yard so if we pass a house with a water feature on our walks, he has to go inspect the yard to see if there’s any chance his enemy could be there…. have to admire the logic
— Sydney Battle (@SydneyBattle) June 21, 2023
24.
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
— chase (@_chase_____) June 21, 2023
25.
I'm scared to say it too loud, but have we culturally decided full-butt panties are good again? I've seen a few emails with links to full-butt panties and I'm so excited.
— Shannon (@ShannonJCurtin) June 21, 2023
Can we stop pretending thongs are comfortable? Is the nail in that coffin?
26.
i’m going on a cruise tomorrow and i’ll let y’all know if i see them, that’s probably the best i can do
— cay (@CAYSLIMEY) June 21, 2023
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