I don't know how to explain this, but the time between Thanksgiving and Christmas feels exactly like this classic Tumblr post:
And as you wait for the holidays and watch as someone unties your shoes from a neighboring stall, make sure you follow all these funny ladies on Twitter!
1.
years ago now we were at a bookshop quiz & got the question: what are the final lines of Little Women? and my partner genuinely and with certainty said "and it was then they realised they were no longer little girls; they were little women" which is the Simpsons pisstake version
2.
the bikes at soulcycle should have sidecars. I took an edible so watch this space for more ideas
3.
I have no idea how long it takes to cross an entire desert on horseback but I bet it's probably enough time to name the horse
4.
the 100 mg edible hit right as i arrived to the movie theater yesterday. asked the concession stand if they had any recommendations
5.
Men be so fine. Sucks that they’re evil https://t.co/fW0ilOd57X
6.
I used to think w were rich
7.
Working from home is so dangerous. My fiancé was encouraging at me to go take a shower, so after bathing I walked into the living room declaring “I’m not a stinky girl anymore” and he was in a financial planning meeting on his laptop.
8.
THREE wise men? lol
9.
i am out in Austin wearing a "getting hitched" sash and every woman is delightedly congratulating me and every man is furiously ignoring me. god why didn't i do this sooner
10.
Not the Dior advent calendar having a candle in one box then the lid to the candles in another????😭
11.
this is what true y2k is but y’all aren’t ready for that conversation https://t.co/EBN6hv9ESr
12.
rudolph canonically jewish (everyone giving him a hard time about his nose)
13.
i have accidentally ate meat TWICE in the past 4 years which isn't bad but what is bad is that every time it's happened, i've unknowingly made a comment specifically how fucking fantastic it was and how it was the best vegan thing i've ever tasted. please knock me out
14.
If someone you know gives birth in a barn this winter and you and two of your buddies want to bring her gifts, the three of you should just all go in on a Target gift card. Please trust me on this.
15.
Friend: do you look back on any of the guys you slept with in your 20s & realize they were losers? Me: no I knew it at the time
16.
the coal industry wants you to be naughty. they need you to be naughty. santa is their biggest customer. their worst fear is that santa switches up and starts giving naughty kids solar energy instead.
17.
rae dunn dunn
18.
BRO. my child’s been telling people at her school she’s Republican because I’m Republican?????? NO BABY. mami’s from la República Dominicana 🇩🇴 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 Jesus 😩😩not the same thing😩😩😩😩
19.
cleaned my apartment!!!!!!! (lit a candle)
20.
Deeply unfair one has to buy a Dave Chappelle ticket in order to boo Elon Musk. That should be the main act, no opener
21.
my friend just told me that she took so many edibles last week that she thought she slept with the pizza hut delivery man and the next day her roommates had to be like “um, no… u literally didn’t even come downstairs when he got here”
22.
me at 2am setting my alarm for 6am
23.
there’s no funnier caricature of masculinity than the Him from “holiday gifts for him.” he doesn’t drink any liquid but whiskey. he’s got 20 watches on each wrist. if he saw a single texture other than leather he would throw one of his pocket knives at it.