How Are You Gay?
With society pressing for stereotypes, how is it that you are gay?
Immediately following the federal legalization of same-sex marriage, I, like most millennials, turned to social media. Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram were littered with gleeful messages of progression, and rainbow filtered images of support… I was no exception. On June 26th at 4:02 PM, I posted the following status: “It is not privilege that we seek, simply equality. It’s pretty awesome to live in a time of change, where I can now get married wherever I choose.”
After posting the status, my Facebook inbox was inundated with messages. Even now, after the whole summer, I still get messages. The most curious, were those people who I had little or no contact with in several or more years. After skimming through a few of the messages, one from an old freshman year acquaintance caught my eye. The first line of the message simply said, “How are you gay?” Those were a loaded four words. I was not sure how to even begin to answer that question.
Before I continue, let me explain a little about myself. I’m a 23-year-old male. I’m a senior at Syracuse University. I’m a horror filmmaker. And I’m gay.
I didn’t allow myself to explore this facet of my sexuality until I turned 20. Up until that point I was in serious denial about my sexuality. For me, high school made it very difficult to accept myself. I had trained myself like a robot to suppress those thoughts. I was so far in denial; I truly didn’t want to think I was gay. But when you know, you know. You can’t suppress your true self forever. So I finally started exploring other facets, and I just let nature take its course. Like a cloud clearing after a storm, I was overwhelmed with a sense of clarity and confidence. This was my journey to self-discovery. I had a supportive family and my friends were cool with it. But it was my own inhibitions that stopped me.
I just had to allow myself to allow for it to happen.
Now in this person’s defense, it is very possible he could have been surprised to hear I was gay, when a few years ago he might have heard rumors of the random girls I would hook up with. I never did make a proper public “coming out” status that society expects all gay people to publicize. The people that should've known, knew. Personally, I’ve never believed in making a spectacle over my personal private life. Straight people aren’t expected to, so why are gay people?
Following the first sentence of the message, he then added “you don’t act gay”. Now, I would not consider myself a “stereotypical” gay guy. If you saw me walking down the street you probably wouldn’t assume I was gay. When I meet new people the topic of dating will sometimes come up, and the response I often get goes something like, “oh, I wouldn’t have guessed you were gay”. I am not surprised by this comment as I dress in mostly casual gym clothes or board shorts, my voice is not that effeminate, and I have a strong passion and interest in horror films. All of these things not that “gay”.
On the other hand, I think of all my attributes that society would stereotypically categorize as gay. I’m not that into sports (Michael Jordan plays Red Sox, right?!). I frequent the gym and the tanning bed. Also, I can directly quote “Mean Girls.” This throws people off. I have noticed people are very jarred when they can’t place you within a particular box or stereotype.
This really got me thinking. I have some stereotypically “gay” attributes, and some stereotypically “straight” attributes. How is this possible? I couldn’t figure it out. Then I came to a realization.
All the confusion ended when I stopped thinking I needed to conform to a particular stereotype. I’m not a character. I’m a person.
I never did reply to the message, but I hope that he is reading this now. By sharing this story I hope that other people might relate to my strange journey of self-discovery. More importantly, I hope that the need to stereotype diminishes. If one confused teen noticing they don't fit into stereotypes finds solace in this tale, then my job is done.
Don’t worry if you don’t fit into a stereotype, and don’t try to change yourself or force it. It’s 2015. People don’t fit into small boxes. We need to rid the concept of stereotyping. A person is not one thing. We are identifiable by a multitude of things. These different combinations of things are what make us unique.
I am not just a son. I am not just a brother. I am not just a student. I am not just a filmmaker. I am not just gay. I am all of those things… and more. I am me. You are you. Humans are humans.