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How Deeply Has The World Wronged You Today?

Life is a series of unstoppable humiliations.

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  1. patronestaff / Via Thinkstock

    Check off all of the things that have happened to you TODAY.

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    Waking up two minutes before your alarm.
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    Or thinking you hit snooze when you didn't and waking up late, throwing your whole morning routine off.
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    Realizing once you're already in the shower that you're out of soap or shampoo.
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    Realizing once you turn the water off that you forgot to hang your towel up so you have to waddle around like a dumb wet baby to go get it.
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    When you're trying to put pants on but you're still a little wet so you really have to pulllll them up and it takes too long.
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    When the milk stream careens off an ill-placed corn flake and shoots all over the counter.
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    Just spilling stuff in general. I do not have TIME for this.
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    When traffic, train or otherwise, makes you late even though you made an actual effort to be on time today.
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    When fucking Nancy is sitting in your chair at work so she can talk shit with the person next to you and you have to clear your throat before she notices you're there.
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    When she does that stupid little giggle before she goes. That giggle makes your head want to explode.
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    Actually, everything about Nancy just pisses you off. You don't like her and she doesn't like you. Anyway.
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    When you sit down at your computer and your internet isn't working for some reason.
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    And NANCY is back again like "did you turn it off and turn it back on again."
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    NO, THAT DIDN'T EVEN OCCUR TO ME. THE MOST LEVEL ONE THING TO DO NEVER EVEN CROSSED MY MIND.
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    And you resist the urge to call her a walking meme and just say "Yeah I tried that and it's not working."
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    And she's like "let me try" and when SHE does it, it works because obviously.
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    And when everything goes just fine until lunch when you get your order in and it's wrong. Again.
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    When you blame yourself because you keep coming back to this place thinking that being a loyal customer would merit better service.
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    When you realize that there is no loyalty in this life or the next and you have to fend for yourself in the unfeeling universe.
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    But you push that all aside and go back to work after your lunch hour and GODDAMN NANCY asks where you were because you were "gone for a while."
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    When you realize that explaining the concept of a lunch hour to an adult woman is just where you are in life.
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    When you ate too much lunch and keep dozing off at your desk and jerking awake all nervous.
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    When, in those brief spasms of sleep, fragments of the life you could have led occur to your undefended mind.
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    Like what if you had just married Jerry?
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    Or studied abroad while you still could?
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    You could have been bilingual. Trilingual. And a mother by now, with Jerry.
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    When you look at your inbox and see that you have 700 unread emails.
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    When someone in the office won't stop whistling but you can't tell who.
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    When at the end of the day you haven't accomplished as much as you want to but you know that it's not really your fault.
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    When you were planning on making something specific for dinner and realize that you're short ONE ingredient.
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    When you just capitulate and order in again and see online how many times you've ordered the same thing from the same restaurant.
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    When you think you hear your phone buzzing but it's just someone on the TV.
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    When you think you hear your phone buzzing and it's a text from Jerry, who you haven't heard from since Des Moines.
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    When you force yourself to delete the message because the thought of returning to your past mistakes is too much for you to handle, and you resign yourself to never knowing what he said or why he thought to reach out to you in this specific moment.
 
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