KarlVia panic_attack/ThinkstockGarethArjunVia m-imagephotographyThatcherVia Ridofranz/ThinkstockBillMiloVia panic_attack/ThinkstockMateoVia nyul/ThinkstockRogerVia szefei/ThinkstockJeromeVia ChrisMilesPhoto/Thinkstock
Can You Spot The Fuckboy?
Aw, Karl's a good guy. There's nothing outright wrong with him, we just get kind of weirded out by how he has not been on a single date since Lida left for North Carolina and that was literally six years ago. He doesn't text her late at night or talk about her too much or anything, he just pretty much became a sexless rock since she left. Hope he's doing OK.
Hahahahaha, Gareth is no fuckboy. He's a big ol' nerd. He doesn't have it in him to be a fuckboy, and also I'm pretty sure he's engaged.
OK, this one was kind of a trick question, because Arjun does display some key signs of fuckboy-ness. He's a horrible texter, he's a serial dater, and yes...he does own two snapbacks, BUT — there is another explanation: He's in the middle of a very competitive internship! The snapbacks are office swag, and he never texts because he's always working, but his genuine desire for human connection leads him to go on dates even when he knows he can't follow up with people. He may someday grow into a fuckboy, but for now handsome Arjun has an excuse. For now.
There he is! Thatcher is an absolute fuckboy. You don't even remember how he got your number, but he exclusively contacts you after 11:30 on weeknights with a bland "u up?" All of his profile pictures are shirtless mirror pics and his first order of business upon making contact with someone is to send them a completely unsolicited and poorly lit snap of his dong. Stay far away from Thatcher. He's bad news. Peak fuckboy.
Bill is one of those guys who is so nice and kind to people that you'd THINK it's all an act but I swear to you, it's 100% genuine. He makes cute noises when he sees a dog, volunteers at a local youth shelter, and once went mildly viral when a security camera caught him giving his fare to a drunk girl stranded at a bus stop in 2013. Definitely not a fuckboy. His mama raised him right.
Milo is too laid-back to be a fuckboy. He may not text you back, but it's not because he doesn't care — it's because he hasn't left his couch all day and his phone is in his bedroom. He doesn't text anyone back. He barely even moves. Milo is essentially a barnacle.
There was supposed to be only one fuckboy in this group, but upon further realization (and the fact that he just ghosted on one of my friends), I'm forced to demote Roger to fuckboy status. Sorry, Roger. Think before you send your shirtless Snapchats to the wrong girl and never talk to her again. Now everyone knows your shit.
Jerome is not the nicest guy, but anyone who makes that much money in finance can't survive by being nice. Even though Jerome is ostentatious about his wealth, is image-obsessed, and has impossible standards for women and men alike, he's not a fuckboy, because being a not-nice person doesn't automatically make you one. Remember that as you go forward and brand people with the fuckboy label: Always double-check to make sure you're dealing with the genuine article and not just a dick like Jerome.