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1. A Golden Girls tote, because out of your friend group, you definitely identify with good ol' snarky Sophia. How dare anyone think differently.
The tote has a cotton shoulder strap and the design printed on both sides.
Get it from Redbubble for $20.84+ (available in three sizes).
2. A mocking SpongeBob enamel pin so you always have a response to someone's very annoying comment. Oh, you would like to speak to a manager? Hang on.
Get it from Will & Wills Crafts on Etsy for $9.50.
3. A notepad set for work that'll leave you chanting "I love my job!" as you walk into another meeting that👏🏻could👏🏻have👏🏻been👏🏻an👏🏻email.
Each pad has 50 sheets of paper.
Promising review: "This sizable set of memo pads is hilarious and brings a smile to my face whenever used. The one drawback is that they aren't sticky notes, so if you wanted to hang it somewhere, you would have to use tape or a thumbtack. But other than that, they're great. My pen doesn't bleed through, but I suspect marker might." —Austin Eichhorn
Get them from Amazon for $14.99.
4. A scathing magic nine ball to help you get through the numerous questions you're asked a day. Just try not to roll your eyes too much.
Get it from Walmart for $17.75.
5. Sassy llama-throwing-deuces crew socks because you're so over dealing with drama and would rather politely excuse yourself from the narrative.
Promising review: "The socks are very comfortable and fun! They are not too tight on the ankles and don’t fall down." —Colleen G.
Get them from Look Human for $15.99 (originally $19.99, buy one and get one 50%-off with code bogo50).
7. An iconic unisex Nancy Pelosi shirt, because no one claps quite like this queen. And now you can, too.
You woke up at 5 A.M. this morning and worked out, made an organic egg white omelette for breakfast, walked your dog, and got to work early??? You deserve a standing ovation!!!
Get it from Fourth Wave Apparel on Etsy for $22 (available in sizes XS—4X and five colors).
8. A pint glass to help you feel incredibly boujee as you continue to sip on that discount beer because #bills. If you could, you'd definitely be sipping champagne. For sure.
Heads up — this pint glass is not dishwasher safe, so hand wash with soap and water!
Promising review: "My roommates and I love these glasses! I got them for my apartment and all the girls I live with love drinking from them. The words also do not fade or peel even after washing." —olivia777
Get it from Urban Outfitters for $8.
9. A non-slip coir doormat that'll make your guests pause. You love having friends, but only on Fridays from the hours of 5-10 P.M.
10. A vinyl Office-themed sticker because you, too, have zero time for nonsense. If you place on your laptop cover, maybe Susan the Coworker will finally stop telling you her weekend plans.
Get it from Redbubble for $2.47+ (available in two sizes).
11. A lazy Halloween costume that'll give life to your sarcastic soul when someone asks, "What are you?" and you can point to your shirt and quip back, "Isn't it obvious???"
Get it from BuzzFeed's merch line on Amazon for $21.99 (available in men's, women's and youth sizes).
12. A very appropriate mug for each and every morning because the thought of interacting with the human race without caffeine is just too horrendous.
This microwave- and dishwasher-safe mug takes a little over a week to be made, so expect it to ship in 7–10 days.
Get it from Lovable Gift Co. on Etsy for $14.95+ (available as an 11-ounce mug or a 15-ounce mug).
13. A hand sanitizer that'll have everyone doing a double-take next time you use it. And will probably cause some dubious looks. Just smile and wave.
Promising review: "The sanitizer itself is a plain, generic sanitizer. Works like it should. The bottle is awesome and can/will be refilled with a larger bottle I will buy at the drugstore so the bottles can be around keeping germs at bay for a long time to come! I will be buying a few more bottles as cute gag gifts, and am going to choose one for myself to carry around in my purse. Nothing like offering for someone to use some sanitizer and watching their face when they see the bottles! Definitely recommend this!" —Katee Adams
Get it from Amazon for $5.99+ (available in seven styles).
14. A unisex National Sarcasm Society shirt to let people know how absolutely serious you are in conversation. Like, so serious. Zero humor.
15. A "Cry, Die, Hate" poster so you can appropriately mock the notorious "Live, Laugh, Love" one you see on everyone's wall. Such original decor! So unique!
Get it from Black Shell Press on Etsy for $16 (for an 8.5" x 11" unframed print).
16. An 11-ounce "male tears" ceramic mug because you're a true sarcastic savage and every guy who *accidentally* mansplains is about to face your wrath.
Get it from Walmart for $7.93.
17. A vinyl "this is fine" sticker to accurately portray how you handle tough life situations. And by handle, I mean you slap some sarcasm on the situation and call it a day.
Get it from DNC Vinyls on Etsy for $2.43+ (available in four sizes).
18. A unisex "Thank U, Next" shirt because you've got zero tolerance for exes and the infamous "you up?" or "are you out?" texts that roll in past acceptable hours.
Am I up??? Yeah, at 3 A.M., shooting the shit and playing dominos.
Get it from Punch Drunk Design Co. on Etsy for $23+ (available in S—2XL and customizable as tank or sweatshirt).
19. An adult coloring book for mothers who are awoken each morning with the glorious sound of wailing tears. Motherhood! So fun!
Promising review: "These images are printed on one side of the page, so if you really wanted to do bulk coloring, this isn't the book for you. But that also means markers can run through and it doesn't matter. If your kids have been driving you crazy, this should give you a good belly laugh. I bought one for myself, and now I'm buying more for my mommy friends. It's great for moms who have argued with their kids about things like bath time and putting their shoes away." —K. Klett
Get it from Amazon for $9.99.
20. A Real Housewives of New York card dedicated to the one and only Dorinda Medley that'll deliver a level of sass you aspire to each and every day. Make sure to give it to someone who will appreciate it.
The inside is blank so you can write your own personal message!
Get it from The Boy Heroine on Etsy for $4.47.
21. A print that you'll want to hang in your office immediately because of the most classic tech line ever uttered in human existence. Your laptop is freaking out? Let me offer this sage piece of advice you probably have never heard of!
Get it from Bruce Loves You on Etsy for $14.48 (for a 12" x 18" unframed print).
Just because it deserves another special call out:
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The reviews for this post have been edited for length and/or clarity.