68 Thoughts You Have At The Airport Right Before Christmas

    All I want for Christmas is to get the hell out of this airport.

    1. Why.

    2. I could have stayed home. I could be making out with pizza right now.

    3. But then I wouldn't see my family, and I'd be sad. I love my family.

    4. Except that weird uncle with the ear hair.

    5. Of course I picked the one self-check-in kiosk that's broken.

    6. No, wait, they're ALL broken.

    7. Honestly, this is why I'm not worried about a robot uprising.

    8. Why are there so many babies in this airport? It's like 88% babies.

    9. These babies are all going to be on my plane; I know it.

    10. Wait, that's not a baby.

    11. It's either a really ugly baby or a really cute dog.

    12. I'm not going to check my bag because if I do I'll never see it again.

    13. Why does this family have 27 bags? Is that bag... moving?

    14. Oh JFC, the security line wraps all the way around the airport.

    15. This woman just tried to bring a whole lasagna through security.

    16. I am going to die in this line.


    18. Oh. I should've worn socks.

    19. Shoes off, jacket off, laptop out, suitcase up, drop purse, spill everything, scramble barefoot to pick up tampons.

    20. Nailed it.

    21. If I go through the scanning thing, will the TSA agents be able to see that I'm wearing Disney underwear?

    22. Will they be... a part of my world?

    23. I'm joking to keep from crying.

    24. OF COURSE I have to be patted down now.

    25. They're going to touch my hair. A lot.

    26. I feel like maybe this should involve an introduction?

    27. Like, you don't know what my favorite color or Netflix guilty pleasure is nor which Disney princess I am (I am Mulan, btw), and yet your hands are ALL OVER my body?

    28. This is humiliating.

    29. The entire airport is watching me.

    30. Do they think I'm a criminal? A spy? A sexy spy?

    31. I feel so violated and also did I just miss my flight?

    32. OK, I have exactly 5.3 seconds to make it to my gate.

    33. Do I have time to pee?

    34. I don't have time to pee.

    35. I'm going to pee anyway.

    36. Why do all airport bathrooms smell like bubblegum?

    37. But, like. Bubblegum you'd never want to eat.

    38. How am I supposed to fit my suitcase, my personal item, and my entire body into this stall?

    39. Does no one know how to pee?

    40. Do people just sort of hover and spin over airport toilets?

    41. No paper towels. Of course.

    42. OK, now I need to run if I'm going to make it to my flight.

    43. If that means physically tackling slow walkers, then so be it.

    44. Whoa, this airport has a Chili's!

    45. STOP. NO. FOCUS!

    46. If this airport could stop playing "Wonderful Christmas Time," I'd be so grateful.

    47. Damn it. Forgot my neck pillow.

    48. Although, am I even using it right? I feel like my neck is MORE sore after using a neck pillow.

    49. Great, they haven't even boarded yet.

    50. OK, what boarding group am I in...

    51. Boarding group "G"??? How is that even possible.

    52. First class, business class, people with strollers, platinum priority, super sparkly diamond priority, pretty golden tiara princess priority... WHAT ARE ALL THESE GROUPS.

    53. Why are these simple souls trying to bring massive bags onto the plane.

    54. They can't, and now they're arguing with the airport workers right before Christmas. IT'S THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME OF THE YEAR.

    55. OK, group G! Finally!

    56. And why is this TURD GOBLIN trying to push in front of me?


    58. Great, no overhead space.


    60. Why is this woman in my seat.

    61. Did she think I wouldn't notice?

    62. And it's a center seat, because of course it is.

    63. Right between a sticky child eating an entire Toblerone and a man who smells like vodka and sadness.

    64. Aaaaaand I forgot my headphones.

    65. Oh god, he's talking to me.

    66. OK, the person in front of me is FULLY RECLINED and we're not even near taking off.

    67. I hate everything.

    68. I can't wait for Christmas. :)