1. The sunsets look like this everywhere, right? Boring.
2. The only thing to do there is go to cheesy nightclubs. Everyone knows this.
"Hanging garden" at the Pérez Art Museum Miami (PAMM), North Miami's Museum of Contemporary Art (MOCA), and "touching the orb" at the Patricia and Philip Frost Museum of Science.
3. If you're not a beach person, you're out of luck, because there's NOTHING else to do there.
4. No one there even reads.
5. The people are shallow. They only care about clubbing and shopping and getting a tan.
6. And it's just all... the same. You've seen one palm tree, you've seen 'em all. Zzzzzzzzzz!
7. People there basically subsist on overpriced cocktails.
8. It's positively swarming with gators!
9. The official bird of South Florida is the mosquito, or so I've gathered from many a Facebook joke.
10. Not to mention all the corny "tourist traps."
11. Rumor has it that the only songs that play there are by Will Smith or LMFAO.
12. Yup, just "Welcome to Miami," blaring from every corner.
13. It's an ugly, plastic area.
14. It's just so... tacky.
15. The art scene there is just an excuse for pretentious people to throw parties.
16. The food there is gross and boring and I want to vom just thinking about it. YUCK.
A Cuban frita from El Rey de las Fritas, Colombian patacón and empanada at Bolivar, and a Trinidadian-spiced curry roti roll from Christine's Roti Kitchen.
17. The Miami area simply lacks any sense of history.
18. It's aggressively basic, with no sense of originality or weirdness.
The mysterious Coral Castle was built with over 1,100 tons of coral rock quarried, carved, and assembled through unknown means by one man, Edward Leedskalnin, as a monument to his lost love. Or it was built by aliens. One can never be too sure.
19. Everything has to be loud and showy! There's no place for quiet moments.
UGH. Don't ever visit. You'll hate every delicious, musical, inspiring, sun-drenched, ocean breeze-kissed moment.
